To desperately need help

[NC072024]

I think I’m suffering from really intense PND. Something awful happened during birth which I won’t go into.
I have got to the point where I can’t stand my partner. He has such a horrible temper; he yells at me and the kids, he is physically aggressive, he tells me and the kids to “shut the fuck up” and calls me a “bitch” all the time. He says this in his own language but I know what it means and I can’t stand it. Sometimes he calls me a cunt in English. His job is insecure and I’m always worried about money- he doesn’t support me - all he has to do is pay half the mortgage and bills but I worry whether he will be able to keep that up. I’m currently on mat leave and so stressed about money as I’m using my savings to pay my half. He works from home and constantly tells me he can’t help with stuff because he needs to “work” but then I find him sleeping, or on the phone or doing a whole load of stuff not related to work at all. Childcare is 95% my responsibility and when I leave him to do things it always ends in disaster. The baby is sick and I was up all last night. (Nights are all me). This morning I slept through my alarm. I woke up to screaming and arguing and crying and my older kids running late for school. When I asked my DP what the problem was, it was “the kids are such brats, they don’t listen”.

I just feel like I’m not coping. I can’t leave or kick DP out because we co own the house and I can’t afford it on my own. I said to him this evening that all I need him to do is stop yelling at the kids, stop using abusive language and stop yelling at me im front of the kids. I don’t want them to grow up like this. He told me he can only do that if I stop “nagging him” and the kids learn to “listen”. They are so young and I know that they will continue to push boundaries, I’m doing my best but we can’t all tiptoe around his temper all the time. I’m just at a loss. I know this is all my fault and I got myself into this situation. I don’t know why I did it. I just need help. I can’t talk to anyone in real life. I don’t know what I want from this thread but I just needed to put this somewhere.

Op he’s abusive to you and your children, I think you need help and support from outside intervention such as womans aid.

Do you want your children to grow up like their dad? Because that’s the environment they are in and they will learn his behaviour.

This isn’t your fault but it is your responsibility to get yourself and your children out of it.

Can you call Shelter, Gingerbread and get all paperwork etc in order so you can leave.

I agree with the others: this is not your fault but it is your responsibility to fix it and end his reign of terror. You aren’t married so no need to divorce. Get out as fast as you can. The sooner you do the sooner you can start rebuilding your life.

I don’t have any helpful advice, just sending you virtual support. I wish you all the best and be strong OP ❤️

Contact Women's Aid and start planning your exit. You and your children deserve much better. Don't hesitate to call police if he gets even more nasty when he finds out you have had enough. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Have you been on the "entitled to" website to see what benefits you could claim as a single parent? It doesn't matter that you own the house.

You need to do this ASAP then kick him out. He sounds absolutely vile!

Put your kids first and get rid of this awful man. Why should your kids suffer such verbal abuse???

Hi OP
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time. It sounds incredibly overwhelming, especially with the intense stress of PND and the difficult situation at home. It's important to recognise that none of this is your fault; you're doing your best in a challenging situation.
Firstly, your feelings are valid, and reaching out for support, even here, is a courageous step. It's crucial to prioritise your well-being and that of your children. Your partner's behavior is unacceptable and abusive, both emotionally and verbally. No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect, especially not in front of their children.
Consider reaching out to a counsellor or therapist who specialises in postnatal depression and can provide you with the emotional support and coping strategies you need. They can also help you navigate your feelings about your relationship and provide guidance on your options.
If you ever feel unsafe or threatened by your partner's behaviour, please prioritise your safety and the safety of your children. There are organisations and hotlines that can provide immediate assistance and advice on creating a safety plan.
Look into financial counselling services that can help you understand your options regarding your housing situation and managing your finances independently if needed.
While it may feel isolating, consider reaching out to trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional support or practical help. Sometimes, having a trusted person to confide in can make a significant difference.
Keep a record of any abusive incidents or interactions. This documentation could be important if you decide to seek legal advice or assistance.
Remember, you don't have to face this alone. There are people and resources available to help you through this difficult time. Taking steps to protect yourself and your children is the most important thing right now.

Hi OP

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You told us that your partner is physically aggressive and that he swears at you and your kids and calls you horrible names.

And this is on top of the birth trauma you experienced and not being supported with looking after your kids. No wonder you’re feeling as you are.

If you think about what you’ve described to us happening to someone that you cared about deeply, what would you say to them?

I think you’d say that this is domestic abuse and that they need help and their children need protection. So please talk to someone about this:

1. you can call The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 for free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support
2. talk to a doctor, health visitor or midwife
3. the women’s aid website is also helpful and you can chat online to them

It’s so hard and scary to admit that this is happening and to seek help; but what is even scarier than that is how this will impact you and your children if you don’t seek help.

You can do this