to feel stressed about turning 30 / life / partner

[Coastalwalks]

Hi all

DP and I both live in London in a privately rented flat.

I'm 29 and about to start a training contract after a career change. DP is a bit younger and works for a local authority on a grad scheme.

DP is wonderful in many ways but doesn't have the same work ethic as me. DP's work are funding a technical masters that will give them a good qualification, and DP currently has a couple of weeks off to write the dissertation - yet seems to just be sloping around the flat all day, complaining about feeling ill and not working on the dissertation. Even if I feel ill, I still get work done. DP's work is in an area they wanted to break into for ages, yet now they seem disinterested in it. The pay is not very high because it's an apprenticeship, but after the scheme is complete the salaries in this area are quite good.

I'm turning 30 in a few months and I keep thinking about what I want my life to look like long-term. I love DP so much but their work ethic really frustrates me and gives me cause for concern. I don't want to feel under pressure to be the higher earner forever so that we can buy somewhere to live or have kids - and those are two things I really want. I know for a fact that I will feel miserable if I can't buy a home and have at least one child.

I'm working a remote job over the summer before starting as a trainee solicitor in Autumn and I feel lonely and sad. I hate feeling anxious about money, feeling stressed about the landlord evicting us or raising the rent, thinking about the fact that I'll spend the next two years working really hard whilst sitting more exams, thinking about the fact that I won't qualify as a solicitor until I'm 32 / 33, thinking about whether or not I'll ever be able to have children.

When I was younger I thought my life would be more 'sorted' by the time I'd be nearly 30. I don't want us to split up, but I feel like everything is on me to drive our life forward. It makes me feel alone. I don't know if this is just because I miss working, am stressed about turning 30, or if it's lots of factors combined.

Thanks for reading and please be nice !

I can feel your frustration but dissertations are a funny beast. I am supervising 5 masters dissertations at the moment. I've not heard a peep from them so suspect they are doing similar. Most people pull it out of the bag before the end. Just remind him to contact his supervisor if he's in a mess with it. Getting help sooner is always better and most supervisors won't chase.

I don't really know where to start with this. It's probably one of two things - the relationship has run its course and you're looking for reasons to split, or you're panicking about turning 30 (for probably no good reason) and DP isn't really at fault. Can you expand on why you criticise DP's work ethic? It sounds like they work full time and are doing a Masters, so I'm not sure that's classed as a poor work ethic. If they fail to meet the deadline that's one thing, but some people procrastinate but still get the work done at the last minute. Why do you think you'll feel under pressure to be the higher earner? In a partnership it shouldn't really matter as long as both pull their weight.

Would also be interested to know whether DP supported you (emotionally and financially) with your career change?

You need to talk to them... If he's not on board for concrete plans to buy a house and have a child, better to break it off now, move on and find someone who does. I know that sounds harsh, but I split up with nice but vague BF at 31 and now have all the things you mentioned with a much better man.

I know if I'd stayed with my ex he'd have just kept waiting my time 😭 it's tough but you will figure out the right thing!

I got dumped at 31 by partner of 6 years. Thank god I did, if we'd stayed together I'd have been miserable. He was lazy and unsure if he wanted children.

I met my now DH at 32, married at 35 had DC at 36 and I am happy and content.

Hello all, thank you for your responses - all really balanced and useful.

@JudgeBurrito DP not in a position to support me financially during the career change, but I would say was relatively emotionally supportive. Housing costs and the fact that my earning capacity is likely higher mean that I do feel pressure to earn as much as poss. I feel like if I don't do it DP won't either IYSWIM.

But that's surely down to qualifications and career paths. If your earning capacity is higher it makes sense that you will earn more, and that's what you bring to the table. In exchange maybe they do more domestic chores, or are good at DIY, or cook a great roast, or... whatever. I'm highlighting this because I feel like if you considered this a true partnership you wouldn't be so worried about being the higher earner. If a lawyer married a nurse they'd be the higher earner, but it doesn't mean they necessarily have a greater work ethic, if you know what I mean?

Or do you feel that now you have higher earning potential you deserve a partner with the same prospects..? Which maybe isn't the kindest way to feel, but equally it's your prerogative.