Feel weird about being around DHs mum

[Edilie]

Hi, little worried this will be identifiable but I need opinions.

DH and I have a 1 year old little girl and are expecting baby no2 next month. DH has a strange relationship with his mum. For context, he lost all contact with her at 10 and only spoke to her again 24. This was because he seen his mum abusing his dad (physically), it went to court and he as a little kid had to give evidence but due to lack of evidence nothing ever came of it. He then lived with his dad, and his dad eventually remarried. His dad did his own set of dodgy things during and after the court case.
Either way, I've met DHs mum maybe 12 times in the last 8 years. He sees her every time we go up but often I won't go with, I get weird vibes knowing the past and she makes me uncomfortable. She didn't come to our wedding.
DD is now 1, almost 2 and hasn't met her. We've been up several times with DD but DH has never gone out of his way for them to meet. Such as last time we were up was Christmas/new year and a dog walk was planned with his mum but last minute DH decided it was too cold for DD and I ended up staying home with her. Sometimes I think we might be being unreasonable but she seems to push quite hard and I don't know if DH wants that (she sends him birthday and Christmas cards from his nephew and nieces he's never met as he also doesn't talk to her son from her first marriage).

Either way to the point, his mum has messages asking if in October she can stay with us for a week, baby 2 would be around 2 months old, apparently she has a conference to attend but it's not covered by work and obviously a hotel in London is expensive. DH said he would let her know but has told me he doesn't really want her to. She apparently then sent several messages about how lovely it would be to see the kids and maybe she can babysit so we can have a night off.
DH said maybe. I've asked if he would actually be ok with that and all he has said is he isn't sure.
So far we haven't left DD totally alone with his dad, I don't know if we ever will as there are accusations that the abuse went both ways and that makes me uncomfortable but I'm not sure. DD is pretty young anyway and I'm happy to leave her with DHs step mum.
Either way I can't imagine ever leaving my children with his mum, I'm not sure I even want them to meet her. The accusations about her are horrid (things like trying to suffocate DHs dad) and DH witnessed a lot of it with his own eyes, she left him traumatised and needing therapy for years.
I also don't massively like being around her myself, I get a very a judgemental feel from her and she asks lots of questions about DHs dad and new wife and my parents and then tries to compete (things like oh where do they live, ah yes my area is much nicer or how much do they earn - ah I'd be the richest grandparent then).

Either way AIBU to

1. Definitely not want her in the house
2. Not want her around our children
3. Not want to be around her myself

DH goes through phases of wanting to be really close to her and then gets triggered and pushes her away again; I'm worried it's about to happen again only this time our kids will be dragged into it.

Definitely not being unreasonable. If your DH was sure he wanted her around and wanted a relationship between her and the children then you could consider how to do that in a way you felt comfortable (as in always supervised etc.) but as he’s not I honestly wouldn’t even go there. Maybe let her stay but definitely not to babysit the kids. It could be a good test and the children are young enough that if after that week they never saw her again they wouldn’t remember.

I only read half of you post but it’s clear you DH is uncomfortable around his mother and reluctant to have her stay. Absolutely do not allow this woman into your safe space. He can meet her for coffee, if he has the time.

It's a very bad idea to have her staying in the house at all, let alone for a whole week; I doubt your DH would actually cope with that anyway.

And as for babysitting, definitely a no.

As pp said, maybe meet her for a coffee if she's in the area.

No, I don't think she shouldn't be staying for a week. As for the rest of it, you need to take DH's lead on things, at the moment he seems happy to have minimal contact and not to have your children involved with his mother, considering the circumstances surrounding that it's sounds like it's for the best.

Id just keep my distance. It sounds like your Dh has a complicated relationship with her. They aren’t close. She basically abandoned him for 14 years. She has shown no real interest in your dc (except now she suddenly needs a free place to stay). Let Dh deal with his relationship with her, but I’d not involve yourself or your children. Someone you barely see shouldn’t be staying at your house and meeting your dc for the first time in a really intense scenario. Someone who is abusive and never met your dc shouldn’t be babysitting them.

I'd be concerned about your partner's complicated relationship with his mum and I think it's down to you to make the decision as to whether you want her around you and your children. I definitely wouldn't want her to come and stay for a week! Has your DH had any therapy to deal with his traumatic childhood experiences?

No, I’d not let her look after my children ever tbh. In the meantime your husband needs to figure out his own relationship with her before he starts exposing the kids to her. It’s not fair to let them potentially grow attached for him to then draw back and leave them asking etc.

I’d tell your dh that you are willing to support him in pursuing his relationship with his mum in a way that he feels comfortable, but as he hasn’t yet worked out where his boundaries lie, which is understandable after such a difficult past, then you are going to set the boundaries with regard to your dc, and take that burden off him.

Tell him that he can use you as an excuse if he likes and that you do not feel that you want to leave your dc alone with her, given the fact that she had anger issues in the past and appeared in court for this. Same with his dad. I would trust your gut instincts on this one.

She may be reformed, or more mature now and more able to regulate her moods, but if she was genuinely remorseful and wanting to build trust, she would want to build up a genuine relationship step by step. Instead of which she is demanding that she stays in your home and looks after your dc when you and they do not have a regular relationship with her. That is not a good sign imho.