I’ve never posted on here but I genuinely think I’m going insane and would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thank you.
For some quick context- I separated with my daughters father 2 months before she was born. He was over half an hour late to a private scan that I paid for myself (her last scan before she was born) and it was the nail in the coffin for me. At this point, he’d moved 4 hours away from me (while I was pregnant) and due to him moving into work accommodation I was told I wasn’t allowed to come visit, while seeing the people he lived with on social media (both male and female) have people round to visit and stay.
Fast forward to my daughter being born, which he wasn’t even sure he’d make. She came a week early and with her being breach I was rushed in for a C-section. This was traumatic for me, but seeing my daughter for the first time made it all worth it. She truly is my whole world.
From the get go I’ve done it myself. After surgery he was allowed to stay over in the hospital room, and I was grateful until I asked him at 3am to get me a glass of water because I physically couldn’t move and he said no. This should’ve been the first and last time I let him treat me like this.
I can’t say how a natural birth is, but for anyone that’s had a C-section you’ll know you can’t really move much. I had to, every single nappy change, every cry, every lap around the house rocking her to sleep. I done it all myself while he sat there.
I live with my parents, and they let him stay 5 weeks for free to give him the chance get to know his daughter.
A week into her being born, I hadn’t slept, was in constant pain (which turned out to be the first of a few times of having Mastitis before I gave up breast feeding) and he tried to sleep with me. I said no, so to put it short, he sexually relieved himself in my bed with our daughter in her little cot next to me. I cried, half delirious and not quite believing it was actually happening, listening for her to wake up.
I understand everyone will have different views on this, but for me this isn’t normal. I don’t feel like a child of any age should be in the same room as either of their parents when anything of a sexual nature is happening, and for him to pleasure himself after I said no to sleeping with him shows me he lacks self restraint.
My only wish is that I’d been stronger, that I’d kicked up a fuss and not just sat there frozen listening for my daughter.
Over the past 18 months he moved jobs to one an hour away from where myself and daughter live, he’s never had her to stay on his own, and had her a handful of times outside of my house when his mum has came down to visit. She has been to stay twice at his parents, as it was the only way I felt even remotely comfortable with the situation, which was already an argument to start with. They live 3 hours away from me, and on both occasions I had to drive her up, pay for a hotel so that I could be near incase of emergencies and pick her back up.
I organised and paid for her 1st birthday myself, inviting all his family as well as mine. The majority of his left after they got a picture with her at the ballon arch. While packing up the hall myself, because he left early, I noticed some of the presents from my side were missing. I called around, just incase someone had accidentally put a few bags and boxes in the bin, and had multiple accounts of people seeing my daughters dad walking in and out with presents towards the end. Over text he denied it, saying he was too busy to reply. So I called saying that he needed to bring them back tonight. He informed me he couldn’t as he had went from his daughters first birthday party into town, leaving his car in the middle of a busy area over night with her presents in it and taking the train so he could drink. The presents were brought back on her birthday, and I think he done it so that he could walk in with more than what he’d actually got her.
My daughter has been let down countless times, and it’s breaking my heart to see. She’s getting to the point she understands that he’s meant to be coming over (even if it is an hour once a week at best, despite me offering him two days a week and every 3rd Saturday starting from a weekend of his choosing) and when I say anything I’m made out to be this jealous, over controlling bitch despite having countless screen shots of every time he’s meant to be over and just doesn’t show up.
My daughters dad has now moved 4 hours away (near his parents) to the exact same job but at a different place. The first time I heard about this was from his mum, who phoned to say that my daughters dad will be having her to stay one weekend every month.
I’m at a loss. I won’t be allowing her to stay with him when he still can’t change a pooy nappy, gets an unreasonable amount of soap in her eyes and up her nose when he does try and bathe her, and clips the tops of her arms into the high chair then denies it despite the marks it leaves.
The whole situation is tearing me apart; I feel like I have no control over the well being of my daughter, and when I try to explain the situation to any of his side they’ve been “warned” that I might try and twist his reputation. My family know, they’ve seen it all happen.
I’m scared to take this in anyway legal. While I have screenshots of our conversation about him relieving himself with my daughter in the room and how it was wrong, I’m worried that wouldn’t be enough and that by taking it legal I’d give him the right to have her over night that one weekend a month.
I could write a novel with the amount he’s lied to me; about where or who he’s with, both while I was pregnant and after. Honestly I’m just looking for a bit of advice. The way I’m doing it just now isn’t working. For example, he just walks into my house without chapping, despite being told not to, and it’s got to the point I need to lock my doors when I know he’s coming so that he has to wait for someone to answer.
Thank you, all advice and different points of views are appreciated.