An apology, for a stupid mistake.

[Weezapleeza]

Some while back I posted something totally stupid on here, and it still haunts me. It was ill informed, it was done in haste, and it created mayhem. I want to apologise for that. And, if people believe it is unreasonable for me to try and bury my shame, by that means, then I am fully ready to accept that. This will be a little long, because I need to get it right. It may be vaguely amusing, for some, and if it so then I have zero issues with that. (Like I'm the reactions police!)

I bought a r/c car for my nephew, when he was 12. I am his uncle. First issue with the original post is that people assumed I was his aunt, and in the shit storm that ensued (and with me genuinely not understanding how to negotiate specific responses, on this site) I never put that right - and that meant that I couldn't even engage with people who were trying to be helpful, once it had all gone so far... The responses came so thick and fast (I was expecting maybe a handful) that there was no way I could deal with ANY of it, sensibly. I posted, and quite soon after grabbed a bite to eat, looked back and.... JFC!

Anyway, the model cost quite a bit, and was quite cool, and I said he could take it down to the area outside my (Social Housing) flat, and play with it on the tarmac that used to be a car park, but by then had a gate where the dustcart people have keys, and the fire brigade and, yes, it IS possible for cars to come in - to a restricted area, with a 5mph limit, but where if someone HAD somehow managed to run it over, by accident, I would probably have taken that hit. Warnings along those lines WERE in place. But, maybe even the permission on THAT area was a bad idea. However, it has these old decayed mini speed bumps, that were perfect, and most other areas round our way are taken over (quite rightly) by sports.

I was actually with him, down there, for a while, and then I went up to my flat. It's at the end of a block, first floor, nearest to the access road into the estate as a whole, and I watched for a bit, then went in. My nephew (I know a lot of this, because of subsequent conversations) then assumed I wouldn't know if he took the car under the barrier (where there was another of those little speedbumps) and out into the main access road. That road is quiet, and kids DO play on it, and it is blocked at one end to stop people rat-running. I've had to stop, before, for skateboards and bikes. I'm not saying it's right, that kids do this, and it is something I had absolutely told my nephew not to do, along with me telling him that if he ever saw a ball (or even an animal) go into a road, of any kind, he was NOT to chase after it. He did, on one occasion, follow that advice and see someone else's ball get run over by a bus, in an entirely different road. I'm afraid that rather fascinated him, but I still believe that what happened to his car (yes, getting to that) was NOT intentional, on his part.

So, he (meaning his toy) was now in the actual road, where he should NOT have been, even though this was hardly the M4. And, inevitably, a car came along. A woman, in a 4 x 4. The size of the car IS actually relevant, and only further underlines how stupid and (unwittingly) irresponsible this all was. My nephew ( I believe him) said afterwards that he did NOT try to 'buzz' her, or anything. What he did in fact do was leave his toy, still in the road, but on the opposite side to her approaching car. (This part, I happened to walk out and see, from the raised walkway to outside my flat, and it wasn't good viewing.)

What my nephew failed to take account of, was that the parking is on one side of the road, as the woman was approaching the flat, but on the OTHER side, for once she would have passed. So, she proceeded to cross the white lines, as she came towards his smaller car, and then ran her wheels right over it, and then kept going. I drive a car myself (I didn't say much about that, because of the whole Social Housing thing) but even I didn't catch on, straight away, as to the effect of the parking, on her clear decision to cross to the wrong side of the road, at that point. I CAN say, however, that I believe I would have been able to avoid the toy, given the speeds and distances involved, BUT, if I had come along in my own car, and seen what my nephew was doing, I'm not entirely sure that I would have. However, that would need to assume that I had not given my blessing to him playing in a disused car park, in the first place.

Anyway, we're getting the smashed mess out of the road, when she comes back. Given the nature of that road, this is NOT actually all that surprising - although I never said enough, so as to make clear how likely that would be. Perfectly possible that she discovered the road was bollarded, further down, or that she had dropped something off, again further down a closed road. She then pulled up and asked my nephew if he'd enjoyed what had happened. He started crying. Actually, in the end, I have no issues with this. Even if she did it totally on purpose, and then hammered it home, I still have no issues. In hindsight. Issues, only, with her needing to have been involved, at all.

I am NOT saying I had no responsibility in all this. I bought the car, I set him up in a (non) car park, I left him to his own devices, I did NOT specifically say, on THAT occasion, that he was on NO ACCOUNT to take that car into the road, or even to where it could be seen from the road, in motion. I genuinely hate when kids are allowed to do that. So, I didn't get it right, on that count, AT ALL.

I didn't get it right, either, in how I dealt with her. This was because I perceived her as aggressive, and almost like she was taunting him, and I didn't even get close to giving the apology I should have given, or to asking my nephew to do the same - regardless of tears. I knew, in my heart, that was wrong, and I did EXPECT to be told that, by some people, even though (yes, I admit) I deliberately chose to post in a place where I'd hoped the backlash wouldn't be TOO bad. I'm not a big SM person, even now. I DID feel bad for my nephew, despite everything. He clearly did not think about the set up of the road, when compounding his stupid decision, and what happened as a result was completely inexplicable, to him. He learned a great deal, that day, as did we all. I made a post, pointing a finger where I knew, even when I was still massively upset, I should not have been pointing it.

And, yes, perhaps it is still wrong, for me to try and get rid of my shame about this, with yet another dumb post. But, a part of this IS about saying sorry. I created a lot of anger, by not setting anything out properly, by feeling a bit pissed off, and by just hanging that washing out for other people to have to waste time and energy on.

Last bit. In the original post I also acted as if I had no idea that kids throw things under cars. I know it very well. A part of what I DID need people to remind me was, he might have taken a gift of mine, and decided he actually WANTED to see it get flattened. I was struggling to accept that possible reality.

I 'like' to think that a lot of his upset, afterwards, was about how this had played out for all three of us. And, for my own record, I honestly don't think that destruction was the intent. I think it was something entirely different. The r/c was actually a miniature of a real car, and quite big, as models go. He just wanted to see it on a real road, and didn't think - including not thinking about the result, for MOST cars, if the driver had needed to do the same thing.

If you got to the end of this, sorry. Sorry, for both posts, but more to do with the length, on this one. He's a great lad, and a lot of people in the first post were positive about what I try to do for him, however sometimes misguided. I hated that I couldn't even respond to THOSE comments. I'm not sure I've ever made myself look quite so utterly disgraceful, in my entire life!

What @KreedKafer said. I also can't help noting that you seem more obsessively contrite about the thread you posted on here than about the original incident. I didn't notice the age of your nephew as I was reading this, but the obsessive detail, shame etc made me think as I was reading that this was a much younger child in some kind of ride-on car, who had gone out onto the public road without you supervising, and narrowly missed being hit by traffic.

It all seems like a total storm in a teacup, both the original incident and the thread (which I have no memory of, and haven't looked up).

Essentially you're saying 'AIBU to still be upset about a slight pile-on on a thread I started several years ago about an incident where my 12 year old nephew had a r/c car I'd just given him crushed by a passing motorist because I didn't explicitly tell him not to take it out on the road?'

Bits. Mostly, just closure on something crazy.

Yes, I have been 'power tripped' (another user's comment) when younger. Yes, things broken, in front of me. Whole massive row, where me and her both ended up throwing each other's things across the room, total carnage. Neither of us were much for turning.

There's much better ways, as you grow, to deal with that stuff.

My nephew has it imprinted. He often returns to it.

Mostly, though, that's all in humour.

Thank you!

Sadly vitriolic, unempathetic responses are alarmingly common on here with no consideration of the person they are attacking giving advice too.

I once posted about my wedding, asking for advice about what to wear (I had given birth a week before) and the amount of sarky, LTB responses meant my original question was not answered and I felt utterly crap before two huge life events.

People on here are lovely and caring and people on here are utter aholes. I would just ignore the horrible comments, it says more about them than you x

You know, it's really interesting. It makes me realize that the way this site works, as opposed to other sites, takes some getting used to.

I honestly don't care about what initially happened, anymore. That stopped, days later. A bit of plastic, some tears, and some learning.

I Do care that I then CHOSE to do something that embarrasses the hell out of me, and that has had repercussions way beyond, and yet had never said sorry for that.

True, sometimes saying sorry is more trouble than not. I get that.

But If I chose to post on here again - and I never have, since - I would feel fine, to do that. About something vaguely sensible, next time!

And not with this username.

Thank you!

Have to respond to this. I LOVE this.

I'm not sure I understand, OP. You don't mind about the incident itself, but you mind that you chose to do something that 'embarrasses the hell out of you' -- do you mean starting a thread on Mn where you blamed the motorist for the incident? Why is this lingering so much with you? Are you in general someone who ruminates obsessively about long past actions?

Oh OP. Very, very few people (prob less than 1%) on Mumsnet would ever behave like that to you in real life. Very few people could stand by all their Mumsnet posts.

You might find a civilised gentle lovely understanding middle class woman has gone out of her way to shame an OP. People use anonymity to unleash the ugliest parts of herself.

While really helpful at times, Mumsnet is genuinely one of the bitchiest places on the Internet I feel. Not outright, but all the passive aggressive sniping.

If an OP posts ABC on YABU, there'll be people instantly going XYZ; if another OP posts XYZ, the same people will be raring to say ABC. And turn it all into OP's fault no matter how un-controversial the original scenario was.

Don't mistake the Internet for real life! Also, you might find the "change username" (no need for a new account) and "report post" (to request that your own post be deleted for privacy reasons) function useful.

You need to get a grip and I mean that in the kindest way 'get a grip' could possibly be taken when posted by a stranger on the internet.
The need to relive, detail, hand-wring and attempt to control what random people who don't know you think, based on something as insignificant as a post on a forum you made years ago, is quite alarming.
None of it matters. No one is mad at you. You don't have to apologise. You don't have to justify. You don't have to reframe. You don't have to add any more context. Move on.

If this happened to me at the school gates, or even on other social media sites e.g. Facebook with other parents I knew IRL or in a school parent Whatsapp, I would ruminate.

I think OP is mistaking an anonymous forum for an actual community of mums. I mean that's how Mumsnet markets itself but we all know it's more often than not just a place for people to come on to be anonymously bitchy lol. Think OP is just a bit naive about this bit of the Internet.

The first thing was a collection of mistakes.

The second was a choice to compound them, and involve yet more people. (Albeit, not to the level it transpired!)

There are a lot of things for me, in this, some of which people will relate to, some not. In some respects, yes, I would say I can be obsessive.

I think most people, in their lives, will have things that THEY specifically have found hard to stop knawing at, where others find that crazy. Often, the result of that, is that it gets even worse.

For me, being able to negotiate my 'bone', on this specific site, was important.

I don't regard myself as in incompetent person. (I'm not saying you are in any way implying that.) When I have an example of layers upon layers or total stupidity, all my own work, I wince at it.

I totally get that most people wouldn't, and that is no reflection on them. I have occasionally been jealous of goldfish, and the received knowledge that surrounds them.

I've never seen a goldfish actually post, though, so who knows?

I don't think the OP, who is a man, and doesn't appear to have children, had any particular knowledge about or preconceptions of Mn, from what he says. He also says he's 'had issues before on SM', which he says he doesn't use that much. I think he's an anxious, ruminating personality who seems to think he's caused for more 'mayhem' than a bit of argybargy on a single thread about that was badly received.

I'm just not seeing the 'layers and layers of stupidity', though, OP.

Again, I haven't looked at the original thread, assuming it's under the same username, but you did something nice for your nephew, neglected to put in a few more stringent ground rules about where he was allowed to use the r/c car, a motorist drove over it and behaved rather belligerently afterwards, you got shouty at her, and then you posted an AIBU on here, and most people thought you were unreasonable, some of them being unpleasant about your behaviour.

You don't sound at all incompetent, and the incident itself sounds deeply ordinary.

As I said, I was genuinely reading the detail and self-castigation of your OP on this thread as indicative of your nephew being a small child you'd somehow failed to stop driving a little ride-on car out onto the public road, where he'd almost been hit!

It's just the level of self-recrimination and sense of having caused 'mayhem' online about it all that is unusual. I could understand it if a bunch of passersby had done so, or people you knew in RL, but surely it's not that hard to grasp that people will throw around blame on the internet and then forget about it entirely and go and laugh at a meme about kittens?

You don't need a new account, OP. Just change your user name and off you go - blank slate, new start.

What the fuck have I just read. Why have you come and posted 3.5 years after the original incident? Do you think we have all put our lives on hold waiting for you to return?
Have you nothing better to do than to write a ridiculously long post that has way too many tiny details in that are irrelevant? Why mention social housing and that you have a car?
Confused.

Lol. I get you. But, first time, round, I had no idea even how to negotiate the site. This time, I am getting a much better idea of all of it.

To me, the way that this particular site flows its posts, it's almost designed to create misunderstandings. But, that's about learning. I learn some things very fast, others I struggle with.

If I do post again, I will have a much better idea.

Absolutely, you won't see layers and layers. Self criticism can be harsh, and sometimes people need to have that pointed out, externally.

Thank you.