Full time working mum of 2 under 3

[Ld5]

This is a bit long winded but I need to know…
I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old girls, I’ve been back to work a month after my second I’m a manager at Aldi. It’s a graft, I work long hours 12-10s or 6-4s around 45 hrs per week I have the girls Tuesdays and Thursdays so we’re not paying full time childcare and so I can have quality time with my girls before they go to school and I can’t have them days through the week anymore.

My partner works mon-Fri and did overtime on Saturdays when I wasn’t working or if I have a Saturday of he will too. He’s constantly complaining about my shifts and how nobody else he knows looks after their kids alone at the weekend etc. (doesn’t matter that if I’m off I have them alone at the weekend) since going back to work I arranged with my MIL and SIL that if I’m not home for bedtime (on a late shift) they would come over and help out my partner with the girls such as getting them tea dry for bed after baths doing stories etc. they are both great and happy to help and gives me reassurance when I’m in work that they are both happy. Some weekends I’ll have to work both days and can be 6-4 or 12-10 if I’m in early I’m up at 5 so I miss the get up and partner has the day with them I’m home for 430 and take over play/sort tea/baths etc. if I’m on late I get up when they do around 6ish I’ll usually take them out to the park or stay in play if raining do all the usual you do with kids if it’s a nursery day I get up still get them all ready to go then I’ll do all the house work/washing cleaning putting away clothes etc so there’s some back ground.

since going back to work I’ve felt so guilty and completely burnt out. My partner is constantly complaining if I’m in at the weekend and has them on his own through the day, bare in mind they are both very good and go to bed between 630-7 and sleep through, they have a very good routine (I’ve worked very hard to maintain this and implement this) they are happy little girlies.

This morning my partner had to take them to nursery I’m on the 12-10 and he says I need to find a new job mon - Fri throwing himself a petty party because I’m working this weekend, he doesn’t know what to do with them, says it hard being on his own and how none of his friends with kids have to do this. I blew up because I’m trying my best I don’t get a second to myself (not bothered I’d rather be with my kids I’m not complaining here) but he wants the world and we can’t have it all I have to work, I don’t want a mon-Fri office job I’m not the type of person that can sit in a office all day and I also don’t want my girls looked after in a nursery 5 days a week they have 3 days in and 4 days with me or their dad.

my partner says I should start looking for better hours. I don’t want to, and actually think this could work really well if he wasn’t feeling sorry for himself. I left my career in a previous job as a general manager before my second baby came along because there was a lot of responsibility involved and when I was home I’d get calls etc I did love that job I’d been there 10 years but knew I wanted to be more present and available for the girls. I feel like I’m the only one making any compromise for the happiness of the girls. Is it unreasonable that he has them on the weekend if I’m working? He says we get no family time but if I do get a Saturday of he’ll pick up overtime straight away (says we need the money)

I feel lost I don’t know what to do. Do I need to leave another job not work shifts? Or does he just need to open his eyes and realise everything I actually do is all for them?

I don’t know what more I can do spend most of my time feeling like a complete let down that I should be there more but we can’t all have our cake and eat it right? He says he’d rather be skint than go on like this but that kind of insinuates that it’s all on me to make a change? Nothing on his part.

I dont know? Any advice?

TIA

Oh love, please see the thread I’ve just started about overwhelm and work related anxiety.

you are doing the best you can for your family. I can understand that things are strained and he maybe feels a bit lonely but you’re just doing your best. 45 hours a week is a lot and you must be run into the ground.

would you be able to cut your hours a bit?

Sounds like a lot OP!

Could you at least have your shifts consistent re: which hours and days they are throughout the week?

That would probably reduce a lot of stress.

45h is more than full time hours - could you negotiate to do slightly less? Is it possible to not work any weekend shifts?

IMO working across six days a week between you with such young children is quite an intense schedule for everyone.

Once the 15 hours kick in for your youngest (September?) can you put them both in nursery Mon-Fri instead? Or do shifts across four days?

Logically speaking, he is being unreasonable but I do sympathise a bit with you both, including your dp. My kids are a similar age and I find it utterly exhausting if I'm alone with both all day, especially if I then have to do bedtime on my own. We are in a solid routine of one-kid-each at bedtime, because doing both at the same time is so stressful. I struggle so much that dh had to request a different wfh/woh pattern at work because he was afraid my depression was getting bad.

I don't think the solution is necessarily for you to quit your job, no. But I think you (both of you) do possibly need a solution of some kind because your dp is struggling.

About your MIL and SIL, do/can they help with bedtime too? Do you have someone you could pay to help more regularly, even just like a niece or something who could do with pocket money, for entertaining the 3yo while dp puts the younger one to bed first?

How much control do you have over which shifts you get?

I can understand your husbands annoyance in working Mon-Fri and then having to look after the children all weekend alone too. If the sexes were reversed people would be telling you that it’s unfair he gets to opt of parenting and needs to be there at the weekends for his kids.

The fact your husband sometimes does overtime on the Saturdays that you are not working though is hypocritical of him though.

He's not complaining about you having to do it all yourself on Tuesday/ Thursday is he?
Of course not he sees it as a women's job to do it, but not his, he's above all that.
Tell him he's an equal parent and being a man doesn't entitle him to a maid / nanny etc.
I bet you that if you got a 9-5 job i.e. similar hours to him, you'd end up doing most of the childcare and he'd have no problem leaving you to it.
He's trying to take advantage of you, don't let him.

Well many people have to work Monday - Friday and look after their kids on their own at the weekend, that was me constantly as a single parent. Do you mean your mum or SIL come to help out when he’s at home? Or to help until he’s home?

I think he's being a nob.

You also do the care for them both on your own but he seems to need a support human to help him.

Pathetic really.

As a lone parent for 15 years I think he's weak.

I can see his reasons for being upset, to be honest. He wants family time spent together and it doesn't sound like you have much if any of that. I don't think this needs to be read through a cynical "dads don't think they need to look after kids" lens.

If I worked full time, I'd be pretty miffed at having two kids all by myself the other two days as well. I realise that's the situation you're in as well with your days with the kids during the week. If you enjoy it, that's great but doesn't mean he's wrong not to. And if you don't and you feel some resentment, well that's how he feels too. At least he's raising it, rather than keeping it to himself like you seem to be.

And if you both feel like that, you need a solution which probably does involve changing your working life (or his, but it sounds like it's the shift work in particular that causes many of the issues).

They come and help when he is home so he’s not alone doing tea bath and bedtime x

They come round when he’s at home so he’s not alone x

My MIL and SIL come round at about 530pm they help with bath and bedtime routine so he is not alone. If he’s alone at weekend he’ll usually take them to his mums or brothers. In this job I get no control over my hours I’m fairly new as I left my old job as a GM it’s usually only 1 day at weekend he has to have them without me there but sometimes it is 2 days if I’m working both

If he wanted family time spent together he wouldn’t pick up overtime on the Saturdays that I have off though? I could understand his POV if it was this but it’s not because he’d rather be in work

We have 2 under 3, my husband is also working shifts and can be asked to work weekends: he is now looking for a another job with better hours.

Whilst you are obviously doing your best and you shouldn't sacrifice your career, I agree with your husband than it is a tiring lifestyle and it is better to have similar work patterns.

I guess it's different if you really love your job and can see yourself grow and evolve in this company. But you're indifferent then you should look for something else.

You should definitely challenge him on that.

Yes and I have a minimum 2 days per week with them both all day too. We couldn’t afford full time childcare and I don’t want them looked after by the nursery more than they are us because they’ll come a day in the near future where this will be the case

Can’t he meet some of his dad friends and they can parent together?

my partner says I should start looking for better hours. I don’t want to,

you don’t want to. So don’t. He needs to pull himself together . I actually think that you have a pretty good set up in both being able to work full time but the kids not having full time childcare.

They won’t consider a flexible working agreement until I have been there for 26 weeks and I signed a 45 hour contract

The hours you get only cover term time not full year round so all in all doesn’t make that much of a difference as they spread it out across 51 weeks

Hi, wow I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed! This is a lot of hours to work with two small ones. I think you're right to have them at home two days a week, especially the little one. Nursery is so exhausting for them.
But see that ymneither you nor your husband are getting any down time or proper time as a family together.

Could you look to drop one of the weekend shifts and work around 35hrs per week?

Exactly. He should just get on with it. He’ll need to do a lot more overtime if op drops hours, so who’ll be alone with the children then? Oh yes, of course…

I think if you want to reduce or simplify your hours for you then that’s one thing.

But TBH I think your partner is behaving like a sexist tit so don’t do it for him. It sounds like you have the kids on your own at least as much as him. Plus myself and thousands of other women managed all day and then bedtime on our own 5 days a week for years, it’s really not that bad unless there are SEN issues. My partner left the house at around 7.30 am and would be back at about 7.30 pm 5 days a week. He was great when he was there but I did have 2 under 2 all week essentially on my own. And whilst it was hard I totally rocked it and look back on those days with real fondness. I did have my older child in nursery 3 of the days for mornings but I still had to get them there and back, on the other days we pottered about, did activities, went to the park and library etc. Bedtime was absolutely fine- I prepped dinner during the day at nap times or when they were watching a bit of TV, took baby upstairs with me in a a car seat or bouncy chair and did a long bath with the eldest.

My partner followed broadly the same idea when he had 4 weeks of paternity leave. I also know of loads of dads who do at least one day a weekend on their own.

Honestly with all this moaning and griping though it sounds like he has some kind of sexist idea of wife work and he either didn’t think about what a parent would be like or now doesn’t enjoy it. I think I would be clear that you are not giving your job up, stop the mercy mission help every weekend and tell him that if he can’t cope then he needs to arrange the help he needs himself or get himself a bit more organised. If you did change your hours to 9/5 you’d be out of pocket by the sounds of it, which makes no sense.

Above all do not lose your financial independence for a lazy sounding man like this.

The thing is you look after them by yourself in the week no problem. I would explain that you won't be able to look at changing your shifts if he picks up a Saturday shift when you aren't working. Because if it's not ok for him to look after the kids by himself on a Saturday it's not ok for you either. He needs to get on with parenting his kids, and I think actually it's a really good thing if men get experience of looking after their children by themselves and helps to resolve a lot of domestic inequalities as they get how hard it is and have to actually step up. I don't really see why your relatives should help him, he's their dad and should be valuing his time with them after working all week. If possible with work I'd be asking not to work both weekend days if possible so you get at least a day of family time.

You work extremely hard and are doing a fantastic job. It's also brilliant that the girls are only in nursery 3 days per week in my opinion. However, I really do understand where he's coming from. Wherever you go at the weekend it's families and couples. It probably is pretty depressing for him to see other families sharing the weekend together. I agree with him that it's not sustainable long term. Could you cut your hours at all? As when you take into account tax and deductions then sometimes a salary of £45k isn't much more than a salary of £40k for example, in your bank each month.

No use reducing your weekend work if he's just going to take up overtime though.

I can see why you don't want to leave your job. Those are actually really good shifts and hours and good pay. And I understand not wanting to work Mon-Fri 9-5 office job too. Can Aldi offer any more flexibility with hours?

I do think men these days want it all. They want the healthier finances and they don't want sole responsibility for providing, but then they don't want to do solo childcare and cleaning.

Also, 'none of the people he knows have to look after their kids on the weekend by themselves'? You do. Whenever he picks up a shift. He doesn't know what to do with them? He's their dad. Surely he can figure it out. I'd be asking him why he thinks solo childcare is only women's work.