To think my 7yo’s sleep is beyond help

[Havanawinter]

For the last 2 months my 7 year old has woken every single night and been awake for hours at a time. He has always been a sensitive soul and I always let him sleep in with me when he wakes, but lately even that is not enough. He says he doesn’t know why he can’t sleep, he wants to but his brain won’t let him. If he’s awake that’s not ideal but fine, however he doesn’t let me sleep; he tosses and turns and cries whenever he thinks I’ve dozed off. He says if I sleep that means he’s alone and that makes him scared and upset. Eventually he drops back off but sometimes by that point I’m so worried and riled up that I don’t sleep. I fell asleep at work the other day and missed a meeting.

I’ve tried talking about his feelings, worries, reading books, speaking to the school for help (there is none) but nothing is working. Nothing has changed at home. No deaths or births or divorces. I’m broken and exhausted. I just can’t see how it ever gets better. He’s shattered too. I can’t afford professional help for him or would. I want to be kind and gentle and compassionate but I literally don’t know how else to help him.

My DD found the sensation of falling asleep really scared her at this age and she used to fight to stay awake.
A few things I found helped a bit.
Tell him rest is almost as good as sleep but only if he's calm and settled.
Guided meditation - you read a sort of script and it sometimes helps a busy brain wind down. I did one with a room full of teenagers and hadn't expected much and the room fell silent and half of them went straight to sleep!
Weighted blanket - absolute game changer for DD. It doesn't work for everyone but she loves hers. Check the weight guidelines as you have to be careful with children.
It does pass. But you have my sympathy.

Is he Autistic or ADHD btw? Sleep issues and anxiety around sleeping as well as waking issues are really common.

As you need help now due to your own exhaustion,would you consider seeing if he's be willing to try an antihistamine at bedtime? You can get children's liquid formula.

My son just won't sleep without some background noise. He has Alexa on with stories on audible every night. They're really comforting. Set a timer.

It's hideous. Sympathy here, it's hard to see a way through when you are exhausted. But there is help - I'd ring the GP and ask who they suggest making an appointment with. In the short term, I've had a bit of success too with asking what would make them feel safe when I'm asleep. And cutting out exciting screen time/books for a bit.

Have you tried audio books? They've been really helpful when DC just can't switch off enough to sleep and when they are trying to sleep it's even worse.

Is he getting enough exercise to tire him out properly? If not, start there.

I was a bad sleeper too (still am!!!). My mum used to put a cassette with stories on it until I was about 7-8, I guess it's similar to the meditation apps we have today? They worked a treat.

There's something called ' Sleep jar' rain or thunderstorms background noise on Akexa. We sometimes listen to that on Alexa at bedtime. You can have it playing all night, it's very comforting.

God we had similar it was awful
What helped:
Sport (we tried so many but rugby and running stuck)
No screens at all
Yoga Nidra for kids
Blood sugar foods
This is a weird one but a game chamger- letting him hear me tell people on the phone how much better his sleep was going to be and going on about how he was going to sleep much better. Never being negative about itm
Being really low key about him.bit sleeping and not over comforting.

Thank you everyone. Getting replies feels so comforting, especially at this time of night.

To address a few points… he really doesn’t get much screen time, some days none at all. He doesn’t have an iPad or anything like that. He’s very active and naturally sporty so I think expends enough energy in the day. Audio books a great idea. I wouldn’t know where to even start with meditation but I’ll read up. Really not keen on meds, just personal choice. He gets his insomnia from me sadly; I was locked in my room all night and left to cry it out which has traumatised me and I swore to break the cycle. I’m trying so hard but am knackered. I’m still a crap sleeper now.

And yes I try to be super chill and positive: “sleep isn’t important, just rest” “you’re a brilliant sleeper, not the best ever but it’s not about being the best just doing your best” etc. doesn’t seem to stick! I get that sometimes the pressure to fall asleep is what keeps you awake so I’ve tried to be very blasé (on the outside) but maybe he senses it’s all an act

Can you sleep in his room with him for a bit until you help him get settled. I sleep on a pull out bed in my sons room alot. I am single and no other kids so I can. I enjoy the audible stories too, he falls asleep so much quicker and stays asleep just knowing I'm there. I couldn't have him in my bed as I wouldn't sleep and he'd wriggle.

I'd second audio books. Eldest DS was a nightmare at bedtime - long before he was diagnosed with ADHD. Listening to stories really helped as he would lie there and listen, sometimes until really late, but he would stay in bed and not disturb me or the rest of the household.

I'd also encourage your DS to sleep in his own bed/room so at least one of you is getting a good night's sleep.

Worth a GP appointment to check medical things.

I am neurodiverse and sleep has always been. Challenging but I’ve had great success in the last couple of years with magnesium. Unsure of children’s suitability - but I highly recommend looking into it.

I would also research sensory steps before sleep - lavender, Epsom salt bath, massage, weighted blanket. Try him being warmer or colder. Different noises - gentle audio book or white noise (or other types eg binaural sounds, pink noise etc)

I think your brain gets stuck sometimes - the frustration of waking up and not sleeping means the next time you wake up - you’re guaranteed to presume you’ll be awake two hours and cross/scared.

If you’re trying a few new things and it’s not working, I’d spend a week every night after he wakes up - take him out of bed, into the kitchen to get some warm milk in low lighting. Let him get cold, awake and feel understood and heard that he’s wide awake. After 10 minutes remark that it’s cold, let’s go back up. Stay with him for a few minutes and resettle with some audio noise (whichever he prefers)

rinse and repeat. It’s funny how your body subconsciously learns it’s nicer to stay in bed and dose than get up when it’s cold. I feel he will learn to put the audio back on and cope with being awake and stop getting so frustrated. And it’s possible there are more things to try, especially in conjunction with a doctor.

Seriously… try the audiobooks. Put them on a long timer (mine are on about 3 1/2 hours). It means I can stay awake and listen or fall asleep and wake up to listen for quite awhile. It’s a good way to turn a brain ‘off’.

Definitely another vote from me for guided meditation - there’s lots on Spotify just search guided mediation for kids and follow along together. You could do some body scans aswell. Just search on Spotify. Also audio books. That will at least give him some distraction. A decent and very regular routine in the evenings. No sugary foods etc. It sounds like he is anxious about going to sleep so I do think guided meditation would help. Could you join a yoga class together?? That would teach some basic relaxation techniques you could use. Maybe try and build up a ‘toolbox’ of things you and he can do/try when he cannot sleep or is feeling stressed about it. Best of luck! X

To add you could also give him some other ‘real’ things to help him with a new sleep routine that he can almost use as crutches to help through the routine of going to sleep, and then as he learns to fall asleep better these things would help as strong sleep cues; eg a hot chocolate before bed, a nice smelling pillow spray. M&S do a lovely ‘sleep’ pillow spray. I would also look at changing his room round and just creating a bit of a fresh start around his sleep habits and his whole approach to it to help break the cycle x

I wonder if he started the night in your bed would he sleep through.

My daughter is autistic and takes melatonin (prescribed by Dr) and it has had a huge impact. We also rely lot on audio stuff like meditation and Calm stories.

The sleep Clinic which we were seen by (nhs) said sleep has to avoid change during sleep pattern so better no bed moving or the brain detects you have gone.

I feel your pain. My daughter has improved recently though. So still very very anxious at night falling asleep but not waking so much later