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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect ex to do school pick up on his weekend?

16 replies

orangeleopard · 02/07/2024 21:59

My son’s dad sees our son only every other weekend. The court order was made when our son was was less than a year old, so schools wasn’t involved but it was
Friday 4pm until Sunday 10am every other weekend.

Well ex decided he couldn’t do 4pm pick up as he ‘has to work’ and refuses to pay for childcare. So I have to wait around until ex has finished work and is home to drop our son directly to his door. This could be 5pm, 6pm or even 7pm. He messages when he’s home and I have to drop our child there. It’s wildly inconvenient as our son could be in the middle of having dinner and my ex could message at 5pm and start an argument because I’m not stopping everything and dropping him off there and then.

would I be unreasonable to say that he either picks him up from school on the Friday of his weekend or for him pay for the childcare to pick our son up from. Or for me to say he is to have him Saturday - Sunday instead? He was abusive and there’s no ‘coparenting’ as he will bully to get his own way and then play the victim card when things don’t go his own way. I want to go back to work full time and with my ex only paying me less than £150 a month, I shouldn’t have to lose money by leaving work early twice a month or paying childcare myself all because he has to work those days too.

OP posts:

SunGoesIntoHiding · 02/07/2024 22:05

yANBU. Can you go back to court to have the contact changed officially from “end of school day Friday”. It’s not fair that you need to provide childcare (yourself or paying someone) from 3-4pm on his Friday weekends. It’s even worse that he hasn’t stuck to 4pm and mucks you around - keep evidence of this and provide during court too.

NDmumoftwo · 02/07/2024 22:08

Child is his from 4pm. If that means him paying for an after school club and picking up then that's what he must do

JMSA · 02/07/2024 22:10

Yup, mine get picked up at 8pm
every other Friday night

Andwegoroundagain · 02/07/2024 22:10

Yeah enforce the 4pm part. Or go back to court and ask them to set it to from school end. Also how do you cope with holidays? It may be worth going back to court to get all of this agreed and laid out

TheShellBeach · 02/07/2024 22:11

Oh yes, these men and their inability to leave their big, important jobs in order to collect their DC.

Or their inability to arrange childcare.

FFS.

crockofshite · 02/07/2024 22:29

He's a lazy cunt

cool4cats2020 · 02/07/2024 22:38

My ex mucks me about every fortnight (they do the pick up and drop off, as court ordered, although I used to do it all as it was easier than leaving it to disorganised ex). So I always meet my kids from school and have them for an hour or four before they get picked up. It doesn't bother me too much, as I can usually plan work around it, but every now and again it's an annoyance.

However, I think it's nice for my kids to come home to my house before they go off for the weekend. It's just that extra bit of contact, and also that they can pack their weekend things after school and change out of their school uniform. The alternative would be packing and taking all their weekend stuff to school, and then going off to my ex's still wearing school clothes - which would either not get washed, or not come back at all. Have had multiple instances of that in the past - kids come back without their school shoes, or they've left a school book behind. And then they don't have them for another fortnight.

My current partner (not co habiting) has the same issue with their kids on a Friday evening - the other parent doesn't turn up until 8pm every time. It seriously hampers our child free weekends together, because Friday evening has vanished before the kids have been picked up, and then the come back mid afternoon Sunday.

As it's affecting you financially though, I can see your motivation here. You could certainly enforce the 4pm part of the existing contact order - make the other parent responsible for child care or whatever from that time. Does the school have an after hours childcare provision? Could you put ds in that until 4pm and then tell his dad that's when he needs to get him (or arrange further child care to follow on himself)? Maybe once you've forced the point of him taking responsibility from 4pm he just might concede to taking on the extra hour before then? (I can guess he's probably one of those stubborn arseholes who wouldn't do it out of principle)

I'm not sure how going back to court to get the hours changed to end of school day would look. On the face of it, it might seem quite petty to try and change the contact by just one hour (despite the substantial implications to you). But also, I'm not sure the court is likely to force a parent to have more contact than they want - most cases it's usually a parent fighting for more contact with themselves, not less. So if you did end up going that route (and it might end up costing more than the extra hour of childcare over the child's primary years), definitely make a big point about how the current order was drawn up long before your child started school, and it now it's frustratingly not quite compatible with the school hours.

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2024 22:41

Why do you take him? Why doesnt he come to you? If you don't want him coming round, Why don't you just take him at your convenience?

If he doesn't like it, he can take you back.to court.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 02/07/2024 22:55

GabriellaMontez · 02/07/2024 22:41

Why do you take him? Why doesnt he come to you? If you don't want him coming round, Why don't you just take him at your convenience?

If he doesn't like it, he can take you back.to court.

This!

SoulofaPanda · 02/07/2024 22:58

Problem is the court order is from 4pm so either way he isn’t the one who should be picking him up as schools finish before that….

You need to get the court order changed.

XChrome · 02/07/2024 23:04

The child is his responsibility as of 4 p.m., so it's for him to pick up the child or arrange for somebody else (NOT you) to do so and do the childcare until His Nibs deigns to take over. What an insufferable prick.
He's just trying to mess with you as a control tactic. He gets off on making you do his bidding. Don't do it anymore. If he can't arrange something for 4, then you don't have to send or bring the child. If dickhead wants to pick up the child later, he'll just have to wait until it's convenient for you, meaning not interrupting your dinner or your plans for the evening. Make sure he knows this is how you will be handling it from now on, and don't back down.

jelly79 · 02/07/2024 23:10

Say no OP' the more you agree to do this the more he will take the actual piss!

Pick up at 4pm or not at all ;)

Lemonychocolate · 02/07/2024 23:13

It really depends on the judge though. I took my case back to court (original 3pm, which never happened just like op's) And I got a new order - Friday 6pm when dad is ready to have the child...

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/07/2024 23:22

Absolutely do not dance to his tune. If you're going to drop your DS off then it's at your convenience. I wouldn't even bother telling ex this, I'd just turn up whenever it suited me. He's not in charge!

RandomMess · 02/07/2024 23:26

What does it say in the court order about who does the travelling?

No way would I be dropping off or collecting but the longer it goes the more evidence that the precedence is set.

Tell ex he needs to pick DS up 4pm otherwise you are out for the night and he'll have to forgo contact.

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2024 00:23

If he wants them Friday he picks up after school. You’re not his mum too or his nanny. Otherwise Saturday. I’d just tell him this and then not be in Friday night for a few weeks. Then if he doesn’t decide he does want to see his child you can book wrap around care. He can take you to court if he wants!! Make sure comms are repeated via text or email if it was a conversation. ‘So this afternoon you told me I was a shit mum who would never find another partner, because I’m not willing to leave work in the early afternoon to collect our child and look after them until such time as you deign to collect them once you’ve finished your work. I repeated that you are welcome to collect them from school and if you don’t want to leave work early you can book them into wrap around care. as I’ve said, if I collect them then I am having Friday night with my child and you can come and collect them Saturday morning.’

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