Feel like a huge failure and so low

[Wasabiforlunch]

I am so far away from where I wanted to be in my life.
I am too ill to work , so I’m currently unemployed. I volunteer once a week, but of course thats unpaid. My DH is in a low paying job so we claim universal credit. We do own our home, but it’s a very small mid terrace with no garden to speak of. We have a 5 year old DS and all I want is to see him running around a garden in the summer, like I did when I was a child.
My family don’t live nearby, so we have very little support, however my DH doesn’t want to move, although in reality we probably couldn’t afford to.
I went to university and I had high hopes for my future, but it’s all come crashing down and now I struggle to even leave the house on my bad days. I can drive and have a car so that’s one positive, but I find it too stressful and anxiety inducing travelling too far from home these days.

We have no spare money to decorate or do up our house and so much needs doing to it. It’s embarrassing. I feel like I’m letting myself, my DS and my DH down. Plus my parents who are definitely disappointed in how I’ve turned out. Even taking DS on day trips and doing activities with him is proving too expensive. I’m dreading the summer holidays coming up.
I have applied for pip and had my phone assessment a few weeks ago, no decision as yet 😢

I didn’t want to just read and move on without responding. Illness eats into people - not only because of the burden of dealing with painful, unpleasant and/ or limiting symptoms, but because of the social isolation, the frustration of not being able to do what you want to do in life, and the loss of social value from work. People who enjoy generally good health rarely understand this, so on top of the illness, you have their sometimes negative attitudes to contend with.

It’s a lot to deal with. And not surprising that people get down in that situation. Try not to turn it on yourself though. It’s a difficult and crappy situation, rather than you are a failure. Sometimes you just have to sit with sadness about the situation for a bit.

Meanwhile - you’re a mum and you have a husband. Both are achievements. You also volunteer, which is praiseworthy. You sound like you’re doing really well in a difficult situation. The lack of money is undeniably hard but it’s not your fault, and being as young as he is, DS will probably be contented with very simple pleasures for summer treats.

Take care x