AIBU for asking if someone has grandchildren?

[Scaredaycat]

I feel rather awful rn. My husband and I often take our toddler walking in the neighbourhood. There is an elderly man who would wave to our son if he happens to pass by. Today my son fell (nothing bad) and cried. The elderly man was passing and stopped to chat a bit for the first time. I was very anxious bc my son scraped his forehead a little and I'm a first-time mom. The man cheered us up by lightly saying this would not be the last time. He proceeded to talk about football (the European cup is on and we currently live un the host country, lol) and that when my son is bigger he might play football and this would involve falling too. I lightly asked if he already had grandkids. He suddenly looked rather sombre and said no. I said "okay" with a smile (but starting to realise my error), and he proceeded to say that both his siblings had each a kid who died young, and he and his wife decided not to have any to avoid heart break, bc two losses in the family were hard. I said, "I'm sorry to hear that." Then we said a few more banalities before he said goodbye. I now feel I shouldn't have asked. The last thing I want is to trigger him into remembering bad memories. I was only trying to make a friendly conversation and to show my interest. I'm from Asia and it's a normal think to ask there, but now I'm not sure about Europeans or Americans. Is there any social convention not to ask this question? I feel like I've done a massive faux pas. Thanks for the insight.

If you haven't thought through the likely answers and how the person might feel, it's probably not a good question to ask. Especially of a stranger. Let people volunteer personal information if they want to.

Would you have felt less awkward if this man was Asian? I can't see culture making a huge difference here, I think you've just been lucky to get the answers you were hoping for in the past!

In my culture we wouldn't shy away from talking about sadness so as long as you're prepared to listen and express condolences etc as you did then no it wouldn't be considered rude at all.

Well, you weren’t to know this man had these family losses, but yes, I think in general you should be aware that questions about whether people have children or grandchildren may not be as straightforward as you assume. It’s not a question I ever ask.

Simple social mistake and something I'd be likely to do.
Don't worry you were just being genuine

From this I read that you're Asian living in Germany, is that right?
Please be aware that German norms and British norms are actually very different. E.g. on average German people are direct in what they say (I say it = I mean it), and British people are much more indirect (you will know what i mean through context and norms) (though generally we think we are not).
That means that asking this question on an English language forum might not really help you if you're trying to understand German culture.

You weren’t to know he’d had these losses in his life, you can’t think of every possible scenario while having conversations. And tbh he lives with this sadness each day. People often ask me if I have a husband or what does my husband do etc… When I say he died it doesn’t make me feel more sad, the sadness is there but no one can make it worse if that makes sense.

This. I disagree with the previous posters saying you shouldn't ask. I don't think you shouldn't ask things because people might be sad. Yes they might not want to discuss it and that's their prerogative, or it might be an opportunity for them to talk about something that most people shy away from discussing with them. Some people might rather you hadn't asked, some people might be grateful. As long you are kind and sympathetic.when listening to their answers I think it's a good thing.

I don't see anything wrong with what you said to be honest

Well if he was in any way offended I doubt he'd have shared the information.

"Do you have grandchildren" is a pretty normal thing to ask someone (at least in my world).

If they said "No" and you then asked "why not?", that could be seen as very rude.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a woman I hardly knew, and she was talking about something that happened in work. Without thinking, I said "oh what do you do?", to which she smiled and said "Ah, that's not important" and carried on with her story. People will let you know when not ask, however they do it.

I'll take a bet this fella was glad you showed the interest.

I believe he would have felt ok to tell you his situation, otherwise he could have answered with a simple "no". Please continue to chat with him and show interest in his life. You were not at all rude.

YANBU

I'm in my 60s. No children, ergo no grandchildren. Not by choice.

People sometimes ask me, because I still wear my wedding ring after being widowed 3 years ago. I don't take offence, though it does hurt a bit at times - not as much as it used to.

The one time that I was brought to tears - though I tried not to weep - was just after my dad had died and I was menopausal.

It's a natural question. I sometimes used to fend off giving a straight answer by appropriating my husband's grandchild as my own, if speaking to a complete stranger: it saved having to say "No" and getting upset.

I don't think you were unreasonable to make a general enquiry in the circumstances, and it sounds as if you dealt with his response sensitively. What more could you have done? It's never wrong to ask a question, and although sad, it was a choice he made. Everybody has regrets in life. It's not as if you're going to bring it up every time you see him, and there's nothing wrong in you establishing on what basis a man you don't know has an interest in your child.