Moving near my family

[Mumwiththingstodo]

I've posted before - a few relationship issues, nearly separated but hanging on in there for the kids really. Good dad, pretty rubbish partner.

I've had enough of putting on a front that things are fine. We live nowhere near either of our families. My whole family are much closer to the children so I have asked my OH to move nearer my family as if I am going to attempt to make this relationship work, I think I would like to be able to just be myself and not always put on a 'face' as I do where we live now as only my very close friends know about our situation (I'm not happy, he cheated years ago).

AIBU? My OH says he doesn't want to move, hates the area my family lives (it's very green and quiet), and he says our social circle is here.

It is true that our kids (primary age) have a great friendship circle here, but I imagine being near family would be equally great for them? Plus we could be mortgage free there so another pressure off.

I get that his life would be uprooted, but I just can't keep pretending to be ok here. I just want to be near people who love me/us, and have a protective bubble around me and the kids.

Neither of you are BU, I wouldn’t agree to move if I was him either.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but not really reasonable either. I see the logic but living with family is hard, and it also provides you with all the power in your relationship and a strong echo chamber. That isolation you clearly feel will be passed on to your dp-do you resent him? are you wanting to punish him a little? I think you are both also being distracted by your own issues and not fully considering the impact such a big move will have on your children. Why should they uproot their lives and loose all their friends because you want to move? It’s a little self-serving. I understand more than you will know how isolating it is to have relationship problems, but I feel moving home now will just make it easier for you to leave him-if that’s what you want then that’s fine, go for the move, but if you truly want to keep your family together then you need to work on your relationship then you have to work on yourself, and work out a way to forgive your partner. Obviously it goes without saying he clearly also needs to do the same work on himself and the relationship, if not much, much more. Try to look beyond the heavy emotions you seem to be feeling and be pragmatic-ask yourself without bias what you truly want. Do you want to move or just run away from the situation? Do you want to change the course of your kids life, are you making them a priority? Do you want your husband? Simply moving house won’t change anything other than the location, and then you have the added emotional upheaval of the children to deal with. If you haven’t already looked in to it then I would highly recommend marriage counselling and individual counselling. And if you have friends you trust then don’t pretend! You need to talk to your friends and have that support. I wish you the very best x

I can imagine he may feel like this would be a big upheaval when you are already having problems. Most people enjoy the stability and comfort of a routine, so adding a house move etc right now might be quite disorientating.

Have you tried couples counselling if you want to make it work?

I think you should move, but alone. You will have family.

I think you are BU actually. I think maybe either stay in the relationship and put it first (which means not moving somewhere your DH doesn't want to live) or you move he stays.

Life is too short to be living in a relationship full of resentment.

I think you and the children should move to be near your family. It sounds peaceful and secure and you'll have the help and support of your loved ones.

It sounds to me like you have mentally checked out of this relationship and subconsciously the move to be near family is you getting your ducks in a row.

Really difficult one as I don't condone for one second his cheating. However, I don't think moving is your answer. The way you've worded you post sounds like you want to move closer to family so you can be honest with them about what he's done and continue punishing him. So I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go. Affairs are shit - there's no doubt about that - but if you both want to make the relationship work, you need to find a way to draw a line under the past and move past it. Otherwise you will both be miserable. I don't think moving location to somewhere you can slag him off is the answer. Have you tried couples counselling? Not everyone can forgive an affair and that is fine too. Kids are resilient and they will ultimately just want you both to be happy. I really hope you can work things out, whatever that looks like. You deserve to be happy.

If this were the other way round, with a man in a shaky relationship asking a woman to move nearer to his family, the advice on here would 100% be don’t move.

If you split up, you will have all the power and he will be trapped near your family for the next decade.

So I can understand why you want to move, but also very much why he doesn’t.

Move and leave him behind?
He didn't consider you when he cheated, mama bear put you and your kids first if you feel you need to.

Really helpful posts snout thus. Thanks. Only my parents know, and we haven't talked sbout the affair for years, so I wouldn't be moving there to moan about him, but equally I do think I might be wanting to do it do I have a network of people who really care for me.

@StormingNorman yes you're right I think. Perhaps I am thinking, if it got to it, that it would be easier to separate near family. When he had the affair, I was totally isolated and alone with a baby, and I never want to feel like that again. I know that if we separated where we are, he would make my life very difficult.

Sorry, typos. 'About this' not 'snout thus'

You had another child with him after he cheated?

I think yabu to move the dc away from their social circle/school. You can’t expect your dp to agree, especially if your relationship is not great.

No, found out he had an affair after children.

He cheated.

If moving to be near your family is what you need in order to continue with the marriage, he either accepts that or it’s over.