Am I dealing with a narcissist?

[Rheolanno]

I'm not the type to throw the term narcissist around willy nilly but the actions of my manager are increasingly making me feel psychologically unsafe and gaslit at work. Maybe they're just unpleasant?

I've noticed they keep an 'inner circle ' at work who fawn over them, sing praises and these sycophants are in turn rewarded and their word is gospel to my manager. I was once part of that circle for few years and all was well (I never abused this position btw, was just protected from bad side) but after some changes in the organisation it's no longer the case.

I'm not part of the circle anymore and others have their ear and have been critiquing me unfairly, without coming to me directly about any issues.

When you get on the bad side, it's not nice. Manager will ambush you with a meeting request and proceed to lay into you about all the things theyve's heard. It's always an emotionally charged reaction that doesn't feel professional or measured. There's usually little warning it's coming as the hangers on never address issues with performance directly. They just run to this manager.

Once these showdowns have taken place (there have been several people who left like this) there's usually a lot of drama that ensues and it all turns personal.

So manager ambushed me in this way recently, absolutely went for me. Talked about various options that amount to constructive dismissal (as seemed to have decided based on Intel that I'd be happy to leave). I didn't react dramatically though.

main comment was they were surprised there was no drama from me. They seem to drop bombs on people and look forward to chaos ensuing. Once they saw there was going to be little reaction, they dialled the threats right back and I felt gaslit about the original conversation as if it never happened. They also seemed to make it more about my reaction to them rather than my performance, which seems a bit personal?

AiBU to think this is all not normal?

Before people ask about HR, they are under the thumb so it's pointless. They sometimes reign her in a bit but that's it. They are very powerful in the organisation - I am looking for other jobs but market is tough.

I've deliberately not used gender to keep things vague and non outing.

Honestly life is too short. I don’t think it matters if they are narcissistic if you are not prepared to go to HR.

look for another job!

I'm doing just that but it really isn't that easy at the moment.

In the meantime I have to earn money so may have to work with this person for a while longer.

They are so charming at first glance but this nasty side has thrown me

Yes Sounds like other narcissists I’ve known in the workplace.

Keep your head low, don’t let them get to you, and work hard on getting another job.

I'd say more of a bully than a narcissist. Narcissists and bullies both surround themselves with acolytes and generally feed off adulation, but there the similarity ends, as narcissists tend to be more manipulative, preferring to project themselves as nice, generous people while plotting the downfall of their victim. Rarely do they openly confront their target or let their mask slip in public.

Yes a bully sounds more accurate. I do feel a bit bullied/ cornered

I dream of winning the lottery and telling them to f*ck off as I hand my notice jn

You're in a toxic workplace and your options are:

a. Leave. Other places are crying out for workers atm.

b. Stick it out and put yourself through the hell of waiting for someone else to break the circle. That always happens but it's a matter of whether you can hang in there and not get sacked.

Personally, I'd line something else up and either tell them where to stick it or just walk.

It’s not normal but you know that. You just didn’t care when it didn’t impact you.
If you think you work in a toxic workplace; you do. It’s just your turn now.
I hope you get out but I also hope if you are ever in this position again you don’t turn a blind eye when you see it happening to others.

You can't go to HR but can you go above them?