Please help me choose

[Bah2020]

I've posted about this previously but I'm stills struggling with it and need a bit of advice please.

Husband is in the forces and away am awful lot. We moved to a new area in July and be went away for 6 months in November. I have two kids, 1 and 4. I don't know anyone here and my friends and family are 4 hours away.
Prior to this i only saw my husband weekends for a year as it took so long for us to get a house newr him so I have been without him/support basically all my children's lives.

Ive been very depressed, lonely and anxious for a long time.

I suffered a breakdown during his deployment where I had panic attacks frequently and really struggled with everything. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be alone anymore and I needed a break.

I suggested I get a transfer to a military house near my family and he visit when he can.

This unleashed hell and he stopped talking to me whilst he was away. Came home and basically ignored me/told me I'd ruined our marriage/betrayed him/wanted to take his kids away. Told me he didn't think he wanted to be with me because of me wanting to leave.

I went home for a break and since I've come back we have been getting along better. He's saying I should go because I'll end up resenting him otherwise. But that we probably won't be together and we'll separate if I go.

I'm extremely upset. I never meant for us to split up. I just couldn't stay here alone anymore when he's away so much. I couldn't be a good mum like that and I was miserable.

But I love him still and I want our family.

I feel like whatever I do, I lose and I don't know what's best.

My head says leave. I'd have a more fulfilling life with friends/family support/a break now and then. But I wouldn't have him. And I don't know how often he would see the kids.

If I stay here the kids get to see him more but I carry on isolated and alone and miserable.

Also when I told him I was stugggling he had no sympathy or understanding at all. Just told me to make a friend and get on with it. Everyone has kids (not completely isolated though). His lack of caring had made me question everything really. But he says he feels that I don't care about him because I wanted to move.

Sorry this is long. I'm very torn and overwhelmed and worried about making the wrong choice.

But here, even with him here, I feel like I'm not living, I feel suffocated and lonely and I hate where we live.

What should I do?

Sorry for typos. I was rushing

I’ve seen your post before.
i would leave, your mental health and being with family is much more important. If he loves you he would understand that you need friend and family around and not to just sit in a house with the kids waiting for him to come back. I hope you manage to find the courage to leave. Sending love

Thank you for your message.
He really doesn't understand and thinks I'm being weak and selfish and that I don't care about him.
It seems I can't leave and have him. I can't have both. So I have to choose.
I'm so scared of losing him but I don't know how else to be okay.

You sound very unhappy. I would leave to be with friends and family as they will be insistent and supportive. He isn't giving anything jusy taking. If he understands and sympathises him making an extra bit of a journey will be nothing to see his whole family happy. Your children are also isolated from family. It takes a village. Have a good chat with him next time you see him hut then silent treatment isn't okay. Be careful and look after yourself OP x

What have you tried in order to make friends in the new location? Will your eldest be starting school in September - perhaps a good source of new friends there? I personally wouldn't be breaking my family up before trying everything else, but I also wouldn't have married into the forces for this very reason.

Only you can make this decision.

if you leave you lose him, if you stay you risks losing yourself and you’ll only have him part time anyway (although you must have known that when you married someone in the forces)

can he do anything to help? When he’s home can he help arrange get togethers with other forces families to help you build your friendship/support network?

what have you tried? There must be others in your situation?

ultimately you need to decide for yourself which option makes your day to day life happier. Good luck

I would absolutely leave in your position. He isn't doing anything to suggest he's considering you one bit! It's basically my way or the highway isn't it. He sounds like he is capable of being very unpleasant. He should be talking about what HE can do, whether he may be able to leave the army soon or do something to show support. But he isn't. Based on everything you've said about him I would no way want to be with this man.

Is it possible to transfer to a military house in another area from where your spouse is posted?

Most people in his unit are single or their girlfriends live back home so no one he cab introduce me to or anything.

He wasn't away anywhere near this much when we were first together.

I've done toddler groups ect to try and meet people but I haven't really got anywhere. There's nothing on camp here.

It's mostly that he is away so much anyway I thought it made sense that we can settle and I'd have support when he is away. But he has made it pretty clear that he'll only be with me if I stay.

Equally he hasn't tried in anyway to get me to stay. He doesnt seem bothered that i would go now. He was so upset and angry before when I suggested it. I even suggested I stay but he said I should just go.
And now he talks about us separating so casually like he's not even bothered
He's not even attempting to make me happy here and convince me it's a good idea if I stay and try again.

I wanted to transfer to a military house near my hometown.
He won't agree to this.
Says it means he'd have to lose this house and live on the block.
And is saying where will the kids stay when we split.
(It never occurred to me we would split. I thought he'd just come weekends when he could or whatever).
It is very much his way or I leave basically which makes me wonder how much he cares. How can he be so casual about splitting up when he was supposedly so upset by my suggestion of moving

The overwhelming advice on your last thread was to relocate back to your support network.

I know
This is what hurts me the most. He doesn't seem bothered about me at all.
It's just so hard because I love him and I just wanted us to be a family. But he's gone so much anyway it won't ever be normal. I was just trying to make the best of it by having more people around us and stability.

Reading this has made me feel really sad, as you sound so, so unhappy and achingly lonely.
As awful as the prospect of potentially your marriage being over might be, I'd go where you can find support/friends/familiarity.

I know. And I'd made that choice but he wouldn't agree to the transfer.
I didn't think he would tell me we'd split up if I did.
That's why I'm posting again and am struggling.

He sounds awful. He has no compassion for you and being married to him is basically like being single, but worse because you can't live where you want to live. I would move to be near my support system. I have also had panic attack level anxiety before and it is hardcore. I don't know how you manged it while looking after kids. Big hugs to you. x

I'm so sorry to read this. I can only imagine how torn you are. However, regardless of your decision, the way he is treating you is not acceptable. You deserve more than to be ignored and made feel like this. He is obviously a bad communicator and you are fighting a losing battle. You are worth more and your children are too. If he is going to behave like this, you are better off going home where you will find unconditional love. It will be the biggest decision of you're life but try and picture yourself in 5 years, where you would like to be and what you would like to be doing. If it isn't at that base, having groundhog day, then you know in your heart what is the right thing to do for yourself and your children. Best of luck to you. You need to think of yourself and your little ones now.

Thank you
He keeps saying I'm selfish to want to move and it wouldn't benefit the children.
Thing is..I can't be a good mum when I'm miserable and unmotivated and depressed and I can't give them the full lives they deserve.
He can't see that. He can't understand anything I say.

Devil's advocate.
The block is pretty awful when your an older bloke and there's usually no where for kids to stay.
It always took me at least a year to settle into a new posting and not feel a bit sad. I found working helped me (might not be possible with kids) and throwing myself into family activities on base.

And he never will understand that's, OP. It seems to me that he will never listen to your reasons either. You are in a very difficult position and he doesn't seem to be fighting for you. And you are not selfish for wanting the best for your children. My heart goes out to you.

Couple of things jump out through talking with my own husband

You suggested you move away from family home while he was on deployment. Dh said this is most forces guys worse nightmare- they are deployed and their wife is unhappy and tell them they want to leave bit but bloke they can't do anything because the are deployed. Many have a real fear of rejection as they have seen so many forces marriages crumble and they shut down. We learned early on we don't discuss any super serious life changes while dh was on deployment u less absolutely necessary.

Dh also used to shut down if he thought I was going to leave or change the family set up. Took lots of marriage counselling to open communication.

Some wives cope by living with family while their husbands are deployed. Some muddle through.