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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you’d call MIL partner if not grandparent?

27 replies

itsaMILone · 01/07/2024 18:36

DH tries with his mum but she doesn’t reciprocate very consistently. He will check in with her, acknowledge her birthday/Christmas but it doesn’t come back the opposite way at all. She doesn’t even text on his birthday. I can’t imagine being like that with my own child but hey ho. She had him before she turned 20 and seems to be acting much younger than her now age. Her new (ish) partner is only one year older than DH- both in twenties. We are having our baby this year. Should the partner be given a grandparent type name? Is it insulting to them? I don’t even know if MIL wants to be called grandma herself. She’s only asked about me/baby once this pregnancy and seems to just want to talk about what’s going on in her life whenever we make contact, oh and seems to think she will be first to meet baby…

They live at the other side of the country and we maybe see them twice a year. Should I reach out to see what they would like to be called to our baby? Is it appropriate to call the partner anything? I must admit, the age gap makes me feel awkward and I think it does DH too but it isn’t our place to judge that on its own. I would rather not offend them or make any assumptions and hope they will both come round and show some more interest nearer the time, mainly for DH sake more than anything

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/07/2024 18:40

How horrific, judge away, no one would blame you or your husband.

I'd go with just the new partners name tbh, they aren't married and he is 1yr older than the child's own father...... using granddad would be batshit.

LostTheMarble · 01/07/2024 18:41

No, the new partner is not in anyway (and may never be) connected to the baby. If he’s still around in future he’d just be ‘John’ (or whatever his real name is). Maybe a familial relationship will develop but honestly calling someone your dad’s age ‘grandad’ is a bit weird in itself.

FuzzyStripes · 01/07/2024 18:43

I would just use his first name.

SpanThatWorld · 01/07/2024 18:57

My step kids' children call my husband grandad and me by my first name.
Their mum is granny and her husband has a pet name.

Their choice and it's fine by me.

MonsterMunched · 01/07/2024 18:59

Granny and Bob. If he was a long term partner Grandad Bob would be fine. He can always progress to Grandad Bob if the relationship continues- the baby won’t notice what he’s called for a few years.

MidnightPatrol · 01/07/2024 19:02

I can’t possibly imagine the twenty-something boyfriend wants to be called grandad.

Just call him whatever his name is.

MammaMiaPizzeria · 01/07/2024 19:02

My step-grandparents were known to us all just be their first name. Didn't prevent my step-grandad from being my favourite paternal grandparent though :) He really was the best. In fact, I even named one of my kids after him

Amigoingmad29weeks · 01/07/2024 19:06

If you really want a name, we use the letter names for one of my parents partners, so instead of grandad tom we call him GT. He wasn't around when I was growing up so doesn't have a 'dad' role to me and we're not particularly close so going for grandad would feel odd somehow. My husband's mum's partner is 'uncle'. But they have an odd on-off relationship so we don't see him much.

Vestigial · 01/07/2024 19:06

I wouldn’t overthink the titles. My parents and ILs had a summit about it (who was being granny, grandpa, nana etc) and DS just called them all by their first names since he was about three.

MigGirl · 01/07/2024 19:06

Although we didn't have the age difference issue my dad's partner (now wife) was just called by her name. She's now called grandma Jane (not real name) as she married my dad and stuck around. Everyone seemed happy with that.

I'm afraid you may not be able to get your MIL to be interested in her grandkids. DH parents had him young, 21 and they never have been interested in the kids or really DH and we only live an hour away. It's a bit sad really, bit it's just the way they are.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2024 19:07

FuzzyStripes · 01/07/2024 18:43

I would just use his first name.

This. We used 'Uncle Blah' for these types of relationships but just the name is fine.

BlastItImFoiled · 01/07/2024 19:16

It's fine to use grandma/grandad for stepparents, but I'd use uncle in this case.

Would definitely not be using grandparent for a man in his 20s who is a new partner.

By the sounds of it, she probably won't appreciate being called nan/grandma herself :/

Spongebag · 01/07/2024 19:20

We have a lot of step-grandparent relationships in our family and the tradition is that the "partner" is known as Grandad/Grandma first name and I don't know why we do that!
So in this case it would be just Grandma/Nana for the mum but her partner would be Grandad/Grandpa Tom
although if he's in his twenties he might not like that!

mindutopia · 01/07/2024 19:22

He’s unlikely to be around very long. Just call him by his name.

My mum and MIL have each been with their (age appropriate yet bastardly) partners for 20 years. If my dc refer to them at all, they’re called by their names. They aren’t their grandparents.

Kath85 · 01/07/2024 19:23

My gran met a partner when I was around 8 and stayed together until she passed away nearly 30 years later. I only ever called him by name and his grandkids called my gran by her name.

Wigeon · 01/07/2024 19:26

My children call my dad and his wife (who is not my mother) "Grandpa and [her first name]. My mum (dad's ex wife) is "Granny". Seems fairly straightforward?

5475878237NC · 01/07/2024 19:29

His first name. Like any other non relative in Western culture.

Andwegoroundagain · 01/07/2024 19:36

We used a kind of babied version of my mum's partner's name so it was easy to say. Bit like Gigi instead of Greg.

Obechod · 01/07/2024 19:37

My children call step mil nanny name.
But she’s been married to FIL for about 40 years.

As he’s young, I’d just call him by his first name x

Teentitansgo · 01/07/2024 19:37

He's a relatively new partner and in no way near grandparent age. I'd just call him by his name.

FWIW I had two step grandparents growing up (both married to my grandparents by the time I was born). My grandma's husband was known by his first name. My grandad's wife was known as Nanny. I assume this is what they wanted and I never thought it was weird. I also loved my grandparents and step grandparents equally and felt like my step grandparents genuinely loved me as a grandchild too. Totally different scenario though.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 01/07/2024 19:40

My husband's mum's partner is Uncle Rex. But then he does make a real effort and is very much part of DC's life.

StMarieforme · 01/07/2024 19:56

TomatoSandwiches · 01/07/2024 18:40

How horrific, judge away, no one would blame you or your husband.

I'd go with just the new partners name tbh, they aren't married and he is 1yr older than the child's own father...... using granddad would be batshit.

My thoughts entirely.

And

Ewwwww!

sentfrmmyiphone · 01/07/2024 21:17

My daughter calls my DH (so her step dad) grandad... and my Step son's child will call me Nana..

My husband wasn't fussed what he got called and would have accepted just his name if that's what they wanted...

The point is.. call them whatever YOU want to call them..

TartenRedRug · 01/07/2024 21:23

Oedipus
Oedi for short

Ethelswith · 01/07/2024 21:23

We used Uncle X in a similar set up in my family