To rest in bed while DH sorts out the unpacking

[SwordToFlamethrower]

I feel a bit guilty so let me know please!

I am currently hiding upstairs after coming home from camping late last night.

The house is upside down, laundry everywhere, crap everywhere, things to put away, hoovering and kitchen to sort out.

I've disengaged from it.

I'm the only driver and we had a 3 hour drive yesterday. I did most of the packing yesterday, packing down the tent and all while our dd1 was with me. In the time it took me to pack 75% of the car, DH did a poo and washed a saucepan.

I was so exhausted last night, I could barely speak.

Today I've tried my best but I am utterly spent. I'm touched out from nursing, I've eaten toast and one mcdonalds chicken wrap all day. No prospect of food as the kitchen is so messy. DD is acting like a newborn today and wants to nurse constantly.

I know the house won't get tidied up because dh is so incredibly slow at doing any task, so chances are, I'll have to do it all tomorrow.

OP says they had to leave by 6pm, after the closing ceremony finished at 4pm.

No one needs a 2 hour shit.

I'm with PP.

I am also AuDHD actually diagnosed and since I have been diagnosed I do see a lot of it in other people but I also see people appropriate "being undiagnosed" as a way to be strategically incompetent.

I am genuinely disabled every single day by how my brain works and when other people like my sons dad pull shit like your husband has, and then try and make me feel guilty because they're probably also disabled but aren't actually putting any steps forward to try and either get a diagnosis or find sustainable ways to support themselves like I am forced to every day of my life both personally and professionally then I find it a bit of a piss take.

I am a big supporter of self diagnosis as long as it's not simply used as an excuse to be useless, and steps are in place to try and either acquire a diagnosis or make life easier for the support people around as well as the person self diagnosing.

If you're in the UK and your husband has taken his aq50 or aq10 to the GP and has had a successful history interview and then has still been denied an assessment like an ADOS then it's unlikely he has any of the things you're on about, but if he hasn't even gotten that far then they can't turn him away if he comes to them with evidence.

He can’t have been on the bog for two hours! If he was he was just hiding out on his phone and is an absolute cockwomble.

Did you enjoy camping and want to go camping @SwordToFlamethrower

Thank you. In my area, it states on the forms you submit to the GP, that due to high waiting lists, they will only accept people onto it, if they can show that being ND has severely impacted their lives in some way.

DH said that it isn't the case for him, he had very supportive parents, lived a very pampered life and has no traumas. I on the other hand have PTSD, cPTSD from r*pes, domestic violence, workplace harassment and more. So it was simple to get on the list.

I have mentioned it several times to DH that it would help me if it were made "official",so we can work on his struggles and understand better. I have been in hardcore therapy for 6 years working on my struggles.

We aren't well off and deffo can't afford private prices. I may broach going to his GP again though. He hasn't even tried tbh.

We have a very happy marriage, but I do feel like if we were sat doing the same task together, (folding nappies for example) I'd produce 100 to his 25 to 30. Which means I feel exhausted from doing more.

Yes, all instigated by me. Organised by me, lists, packing, cleaning the caravan, getting it ready (I don't like this part!)

I rarely stim at camps. The simplicity, the countryside, the lack of tech is very soothing for me.

But it is severely impacting his life in some way if it is as you say.

You are part of his life and the only reason he has been able to be so comfortable is that he has had to rely on support from other people.

If that support was not there do you think that he would cope?

If he would cope, has lived independently, has a successful professional life, hasn't experienced chronic burnout from masking, doesn't have any debilitating special interests, doesn't have any limiting or repetitive behaviours that cause a detriment to his life or those around him, and can communicate and identify both verbal and non verbal communication easily, and doesn't consider the inherent trauma that it is to grow up autistic to apply to him it's possible that autism isn't the diagnosis.

You've got to remember autistic behaviours are just human behaviours, but you're still either neurotypical in which case you're not on the spectrum at all, or you're neurodiverse which means you'd qualify for at least one diagnosis if not many comorbid diagnoses.

If he still thinks he has dyspraxia etc. Then the inherent reason he would believe that is because it has significantly impacted his life and he can seek a diagnosis for those things separately to an autism diagnosis through a different pathway.

To answer your original question YANBU to have a bed day while he does something, he might find it difficult and he might also have thought it would be better to do it together however he doesn't sound like he has had many challenges in his life that would prevent him from unpacking.

Sorry to detail your thread but I was intrigued by the ARFID as a kid. Is he not now and eats a broader range of things? Gives me hope that our autistic DC might suffer less from ARFID in the future

Good post, thank you. Yeah it was such a light bulb for us when we discovered dyspraxia was a thing. He has all the physical attributes as well as obvious clumsy/fine motor skills stuff.

He has never lived alone and I wish he had at some point before meeting me. With his mum till age 29 then me. He thinks a house share during university counts, but I don't think it does as his parents were still heavily involved in his life.

I've eaten now and he is putting dd to bed. Still totally wiped out. I've suggested again seeing GP and he is open to it.

@Maryamlouise

i didn’t have ARFID as a child but had a hugely restricted diet as I just didn’t like the new strong tastes and textures.

i had garlic sausage sandwiches every day for years. And would eat about 4 dinners.

I remember at 14 deciding to try tuna and slowly I ate more and by late teens had no restrictions.

My boys both have ARFID (both have ASD diagnosis) and there is definitely slow improvement.

Does your council have any resources? We have a new group which is helping slowly and the psychologist sees the children at school.

Good.

And it's especially important for you to remember as an AuDHDer yourself that you have to have firm boundaries for your own sake.

It might not be your hill to die on but he is responsible for managing his abilities/disabilities in a way that means you're not having to overcompensate and burn yourself out.

You must look after yourself otherwise it won't just be bed days. It'll be bed weeks or trugging along through pure exhaustion day after day.

Hope bed time goes smoothly.

Hi! Obviously this is not diagnosed as it simply wasn't a thing in the 80s. Apparently, some kids were taken into care back then because people always assumed that if a kid wouldn't eat, it was due to abuse! Massive scandal apparently.

Anyway. Yes his mum has told me that he never felt a sense of hunger until puberty hit.

Meal times were a horror show, taking hours to eat anything. He just never wanted to eat anything and was skinny as a rake. This also included drinking.

One day he said to his mum that he had a "tummy ache" and it was the first sensation of hunger.

Mind you, certain foods make him do strange things. Stodgy foods like porridge take an hour for him to eat because he doesn't know when to swallow. He will chew a spoon of porridge for ten minutes and I have to tell him to swallow it or he just doesn't. He is 39 BTW. As an aside, he has to be so careful when he has to crack an egg. He can't always get the strength level right. Sometimes he can't crack the egg at all, other times, he crushes the whole egg in his hand, much to his distress. He has gotten better at that with practice. Again, 39 years old!! Deffo some sort of dyspraxia!!!

We were worried dd might have this too, but so far so good.

Thanks for the ARFID feedback. We have ASD diagnosis and lots of resources from CAMHS. Making slow progress but is exhausting so nice to know there is hope of improvement

I really hope so. All the best to you