To tell friends and family about IVF to shut them up

[Nuxemiel]

DP and I get married next week, and we’ve had so many presumptuous comments from family about the fact it’ll be children for us next, how excited they are for us to start a family and so on. They all mean well and in my DP’s culture, having children is hugely important and very much a given. However, little does anyone know that we’ve been unsuccessfully TTC for the 4 years and the repeated comments like this are crushing. Due to covid delays, we’ve only just had our funding for IVF approved.

The next few months is going to be a very tough and sensitive time, and I worry that the comments from family re TTC is only going to intensify after the wedding and could push me over the edge.

We initially wanted to keep our IVF private in case we are not successful, but beginning to think it would be better to be open and honest to prevent the insensitive questions and comments. WWYD?

If it were me in this situation, I'd tell them. I've kept my IVF away from my in-laws so far, and I'm going for investigations on the 24th, which they know about and because it's private and they know how many losses I've had, they've offered to pay. It could go either way, but I'd tell them in the hopes they stop talking about it. I'm so sorry you're going through this 💐

You could always try to put the questions off by saying that you are going to wait for a year or two. It might bide you a bit of time?
I feel your pain as we went through the exact same thing - people can be so incredibly intrusive!!
Good luck with the ivf 🤞🏻

Is there a middle ground where you can let them know you have been trying for a while, don't want to go into detail as focused on wedding etc (and don't mention ivf)

So sorry it's such an awful experience when people 'mean well' asking these things and they have no clue of your reality

It's a tricky one. We kept our ivf journey a secret from everyone except my parents. We had initially told people we were having difficulty and mentioned I was on Clomid. I was constantly asked about how it was going, when I might see results, what the drs said etc. it stopped me being able to just enjoy peoples company. So I told my friends that the dr had said to stop all treatment until I'd lost some weight. So they stopped asking.....while we secretly did ivf.

Could you not just say that you aren't even considering ttc until you've had a year of being newlyweds? Then that gives you a years grace to try ivf and it also doesn't become the elephant in the room all the time.

Good luck on your ttc journey x

I'd be absolutely blunt and leave the IVF part out (because it's only going to make them keep asking), saying something like "Look, we've been trying for ages, we can't conceive so please stop saying this because it's very hurtful."

I’m not sure telling them is the best strategy. They might keep on at you for updates on the treatment all the time, which would be awful, because the treatment is gruelling enough as it is without having people interrogating you about it. And people who haven’t been there have absolutely no idea.

This is on your husband to deal with since it’s his family. He should be telling them that you’ve been trying and ask them not to push because it’s upsetting you.

Cross posted almost the same words!

As @WineIsMyMainVice says, if you are a private person, you may prefer just to be vague and put them off (or for your husband to be blunter to shut them up as it sounds like they are not exactly sensitive people!).
You don't have to share personal health/ IVF information unless you choose to, and what is best varies from one person to another.

You absolutely don't have to share anything you don't want to, and are well within your rights to shut people down very firmly if they ask questions or make comments.

However, I personally found it helpful to tell friends and family we would be going through IVF to have a family. I'm not saying it is always easy as some people do still ask questions, but I found that explaining upfront what you will and won't be sharing helps (e.g. I want to let you know we will be having IVF in the hopes of having a child, but we want to keep the process private so please don't ask questions). If you do want to share some updates, I've found sending a message with the details and ending with a comment that we don't want to discuss any further/don't want to share our next steps yet is better than explaining in conversation.

I feel like having people know has given us support to talk when we need to, it's helped explain why we've made lifestyle changes and why I don't drink at social events without wild speculation, and it has been nice to know that everyone is rooting for us. If you're able to share with your manager at work and have confidence you'll get support, this can be hugely helpful too as you can need time off at very short notice.

Whatever you decide to do, there's no right or wrong way to do it. I hope IVF has a happy ending for you 💐

Honestly telling people for any reason other than the fact that you want their support, is probably not a good idea.

If they're making comments now, do you think they'll be worse once they know about the IVF and constantly ask for updates etc?

It's absolutely none of their business. It doesn't matter if it's ivf, having sex or you found a baby under a gooseberry Bush! Best of luck and good wishes to you x

'We have fertility problems and we don't want to talk about it.'

That should be enough

I'd do this. it's awful people think it's OK to ask about or comment on this. They need to be told. I'd be concerned telling them about the IVF puts a lot of pressure on, and they'll be waiting to hear the outcome.

Aw so sorry you're having such a tough time with this. The comments must be awful.
I would opt for a middle ground saying something like

We have some fertility issues that we don't want to discuss just now so we find any comments about babies and TTC quite difficult, so would appreciate if comments like that are avoided please, thank you!

This could be said in response to a comment or just sent as a blanket message out to family. I always think written is best so you can choose your words and avoid being sucked into saying more than you mean on the spot!

I'd tell them to stop asking because you're not going to be trying until you are ready and you're fed up with their comments.

Its up to you but I never told people. For us it was a very personal and private decade long journey and I don't want pity, unhelpful comments or drama when it was no one else's business.

If you don't want to tell you don't have too.

YNBU

I kept quiet about our difficulties TTC until an aunt kindly reprimanded me for not making my mum a grandmother.

I didn't tell my aunt; I spoke to mum. Mum was upset that her sister had spoken to me.

I think this works well. And I'd also prepare and practice some stock phrases for if they still ask about it. Eg: "As we said in our message, it's not something we want to talk about at the moment. You don't need to keep asking us about it. We promise we'll let you know if there's any information we want to share or if we need anything .Thanks for understanding." Change the subject.

Whatever you tell them, I'd do it with this assumption that they'll tell other people. If having children is very important in your husband's family's culture, I bet there's a network of extended family and friends who are asking your family in law about potential grandchildren, so it's likely they'll will repeat what you've told them. Another reason not to mention IVF.

Edited to add: I'd also prepare some stock phrases for the wedding day. "We're just looking forward focusing on our life as newly-weds for now. The day's taken so much planning! Hope you enjoyed it. What did you think of X at the ceremony?"

You hit the nail on the head re there being a network of family and friends asking the in-laws about grandchildren. Anything we would share would likely be further shared far and wide across the family and extended family, which only reinforces my original thoughts re not sharing any details!

In that case, it's maybe best just not tell them.

Just say something like: "We're not really thinking about children yet. We'll let you know if anything changes." Change subject.

If they push, just repeat and repeat and repeat.

I find conversations like this difficult. But it does make it easier if you have a set phrase or two ready, so you're not caught out in the moment.

That’s awful - I’m so sorry.

Thank you. It was a long time ago.

The irony is that one of my aunt's children had difficulty and - after many years - lost a perfect baby to stillbirth: the cord was round its neck. I think that IVF was used. Thankfully, my cousin did go on to have a healthy baby.

Given the circumstances, I'd have expected Aunty to be a bit more sensitive. I guess people just don't think.

Don’t tell them, especially with the update that there is a wider network of family and friends asking the same question.

We struggled to conceive and had to have some investigations and tests done to find out if we’d need IVF. The tests were done on the NHS, but we would have needed to fund the IVF ourselves (our NHS Trust did not fund any IVF cycles at the time), so we asked PIL if they could loan us the money. We emphasised how upsetting this was and asked them not to tell anyone.

Lo and behold, a few months later DH’s aunt and uncle (who we were close to) asked us how the IVF was going. I was so upset. It was such a private and personal thing (the problems were with me), but when DH asked PIL why they had told someone else, they just said ‘We thought you wouldn’t mind’. They (as far as we know) had only told his aunt and uncle, which was a relief.

That was several years ago, and we didn’t need IVF in the end, but just thinking about it now makes me remember how raw and desperate I felt at the time. I’d really recommend keeping it to yourself.

Say, "Give us a chance, we're not married yet. We want to wait a couple of years before we even think of that." That will buy you some time.

I wish you every success with IVF

Can you just say thanks for sharing your thoughts or if asked a question- thanks for asking we’ll give it some consideration or if pointed question- we don’t really talk to anyone apart from each other about things like that.
Polite but don’t ask me again type answers - they’ve no right to know - you have not married a culture you’ve married one person and they are the only person you need to confide in