AIBU - Friend off the rails?

[Wtffriend]

I don't know where to start with this.
I feel like I don't know my best friend anymore,
We've been best friends for about 15 years,
During this we've supported each other through lots of difficult times and there's also been times where she's ghosted me for a year plus.
Basically she was in a same sex relationship for 10 years which I supported her with when she came out, despite her partner eventually being vile to me because I had lost a significant amount of weight whilst she put it on.
Comments were oftem made about this met with an awkward silence by all involved. But I continued to support them as it made my friend happy.
Eventually my friend left this 10 year relationship to be with a colleague. At this point she ghosted me only popping up midway through to tell me she had a life threatening illness before no longer responding to my messages.
When this relationship ended she came back as if no time has passed, which I welcomed and glad to heat that she was recovering well from surgeries etc.
Since then I myself have welcomed my own daughter whom she declared is hers... Didn't like that. ngl.
Since she has gone through a conveyor belt of men whom range from the sublime to the ridiculous, messaging multiple men at a time stating she doesn't fancy them, messages them explicitly, often meeting them and giving them "favours" on the first date with nothing in return, then blasting them for not respecting her or treating her like an option.
I want to shake her and say WHAT ARE YOU DOING, but worried this would ruin the friendship.
Do I back into the distance like she did me or do I give her home truths and risk a 15 year friendship. She seems on a different planet at...

do I give her home truths and risk a 15 year friendship

I would do this. After all, the other alternative you give is to ghost her which would also be the end of your friendship.

She hasn’t afforded you a great deal of respect in your 15 year friendship. Do you really want to continue with it? If you do, some home truths may be needed, if that ruins your friendship then it wasn’t worth much in the first place.

What are you getting out of this friendship?
From readng your post there's no fun no support just alot of terse hassle.

Some friendships do run their course of time. It's hard to let go but I think you could spend your time more positively (unless you like drama).

It saddens me to say it, but over the course of time, people seem to go quite bonkers....or something happened recently that caused the phenomena ...social media?

I wouldn't think you can keep up a friendship with such a person so it's either speak up or ghost.

Why are you friends with this waste of space?

There has been times when she's genuinely reach out and supported me, especially in the early days and during said 10 year relationship, almost too much, I.e sending multiple cards if I so much as stubbed my toe. But the ghosting during the affair/new relationship - still not sure as to the reason why
It's the hypocrsy in saying she's allowed to message men exactly how she wants and degrade herself to preforming acts on them at first meeting, even if she doesn't fancy them, and then claiming they are "just being men"
They aren't though are they, in my opinion she's telling them how much she values herself and they are acting accordingly.
And I'm saying this as the terminally single friend of hers until I met my lovely guy so I can hold my hands up to missing the mark a couple of times on the dating scene but this is next level.

But why are you still running around after her? I would have deleted and blocked her the first time she ghosted me.

People don't change, OP. End the friendship.

She sounds hideous frankly and a shit "friend".

Friends don't say bugger all when their friend is being insulted by anyone.

Friends don't ghost Friends and then reappear out of the blue pretending nothing happened.

She's not a good friend.

I'm not sure why you would want to preserve this friendship when it's pretty clear that you dislike your friend, feel hurt by her behaviour towards you, and disapprove of her relationships and behaviour around men. I appreciate you've been friends for 15 years, but that doesn't mean you have to stay friends forever. People change and people's lives move on and maybe you just don't have anything in common any more.

You can simply withdraw from the friendship. You really don't have to 'tell her a few home truths' before you do that.

If you really do care for her and want to stay friends, then I think having a gentle conversation with her about why you're worried about her and that her behaviour seems out of character would be a lot better than 'telling her a few home truths'.

From what you've said, my guess is that her ten-year relationship with her girlfriend was probably abusive, which may have massively messed with your friend's mental health. I also think that finding out you have a life-threatening illness, even if you then survive it, can really make people behave in some quite out of character and seemingly reckless and erratic ways. It sounds as if her self-esteem has been shot to pieces (possibly not helped by having gained weight) and that she really doesn't like herself very much. You talk about her 'ghosting' you but it seems pretty clear from your examples that she stopped getting in touch because she was in a too bad a place mentally to engage with anyone - firstly, she got out of a ten year relationship with a woman who sounds vile and secondly, she was diagnosed with a serious illness and had to have to multiple surgeries. Honestly, I wouldn't be checking in with my friends for a chat if I was going through those things.

None of this means that you have to stay friends with her, of course. You don't. But the tone of your post feels a bit lacking in perception/understanding and is very focused around you and how you think her behaviour has affected you, rather than the things she's been through and the way they've affected her. So if you do decide to have a conversation with her about this, at least try to think a bit more from her perspective and about what she's been through (and is still going through) and why that might be a factor in the way she behaves now.

I really appreciate your perspective,

Just to clarify it was her ex partner that laid into me when I lost the weight, not the friend herself.

Home truths was probably a mean way to word it, I have tried to softly softly and "how do you feel about that" way consistently but it's getting to the point where frankly, she's putting herself in danger.

One guy she "gave a favour to" at the end of a first date tried following her home to finish the act and she had to park in a car park until he left, she has since agreed to a second date.

And also re the mental health, I'm not squeeky clean on that front so please know I've already aired on the side of caution for this reason. Her first scare was 14 years ago and that's when she decided to come out which I was so supportive of.

I can't lie, it did break my heart when she broke her silence when with this new girl to tell me that she had stage 3 cancer only to disappear again but like I say, the second she came back I wcomed her like nothing had happened.

I'd do anything for this girl, she's my best friend but her actions right now are putting her in danger and making her sad, I just wish I could make her see how special she is

That's helpful to read, as it does add useful context - you obviously do care about her a lot.

I completely get that it's distressing to see someone you love behaving in a dangerous/self-destructive way; I've been through similar with my sister who has a long, long history of making shit, risky and self-destructive choices at certain times in her life. It is horrible to witness and it is, additionally, exhausting to keep picking up the pieces.

With my sister, I found that 'What the hell are you playing at?' (which was what I usually want to say) was less effective than just asking her calm, neutral questions or even just making statements about her behaviour - almost just factual things, if that makes sense. So in my sister's case, if she told me she was going on a second date with a man who had followed her home against her will, I would probably say 'Oh, right. What is it about him that's made you want to see him again?' in a casual way and then if she said something like 'Well, he didn't actually harm me and he clearly fancies me' I'd say 'OK. He's obviously very predatory and potentially dangerous, though, so I assume you've taken that into consideration. What are you going to do to make sure you're safe?' again, just in a casual, neutral tone. I have, at times, said to my sister, very calmly, 'You're an intelligent person, so obviously you know you're putting yourself at considerable risk, but I'm assuming there's something you're getting from it that you feel is worth it. What is that? At the moment, you seem really unhappy, so it doesn't feel to me like you're benefiting from the risks you're taking, but I might be wrong and I'd really like to understand.'

I'm not going to pretend this has always worked, but sometimes I think just answering the questions and having to articulate the reasons why the decisions are being made can help the person start to work through the reasons behind their obviously dysfunctional behaviour.

That said - you do mention that you've tried a soft approach before and it hasn't worked, so maybe you do have to risk ending the friendship by being a bit more blunt with her. I wish I had the answers, to be honest!

Thank you for your thoughtful response,

I'd been thinking maybe I'm so triggered because I was in a similar although much less extreme pattern several years ago and maybe our lives have just switched seasons?

I've tried a kind yet forward tact so hopefully this makes her see the light,
She's such a strong, independent and kind soul with is what annoys me the most. Like any best friend I just want the best for her,

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles with your sister. I'm sure my sister had the same with me when I was younger but I do appreciate you for giving your advice and experience to help someone else :)

She probably has a slight mental illness that's making her behave in this way. I know someone similar and he's been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I'd take a massive step back and block her everywher, because nothing good will come from it.

My mum has bpd so I'd spot the signs off a mile off (and yes agree with you re removing yourself in this scenario) 🤣 this is relatively new behaviour, I'd say since leaving her long term relationship since she started being risky - but I reckon there's either some esteem or MH issues

Just back away gently: no point in making a massive drama out of it.

One thing I’ve learned is that we have no control over other people at all: only our own boundaries.

I see things slightly differently to some of the other posters so thought I’d add a different perspective. I think there are 3 separate issues here which are muddying the waters …
Firstly - your friendship. Friendships change over time, with more or less contact when life is challenging. Consider how you feel about the friendship on its own and how you value this in the future.
Secondly - your friends diagnosis. Life changing illness has a major impact on people and their behaviour (understandably). She may not have felt up to maintaining any of her friendships for a while and just wanted to focus on her own recovery.
Thirdly - your friends relationships. She may be unsure about what type of relationship she wants in the future, with a man or a woman, and maybe pushing her boundaries. That’s her choice. The impact of her diagnosis may also have made her more of a risk taker.
She may not be a bad friend, just going through some challenging times.

I think she sounds like classic bipolar disorder i had a friend like this. Sbe finally saught help and has been a lot better.

This is exactly what I was thinking.
Lots of signs of BPD shouting out at me from OP’s posts.