What has it taken for you to walk away from a situationship?

[goldintentions]

I know the word "situationship" isn't popular here but I'm going to use it as I think the advice I'm looking for is probably different from that of an actual relationship.

How did you finally stop sleeping with the person that you knew wasn't good for you?

What did it take?

I am in this situation now and so are my two closest friends.

We are all intelligent, well educated, successful women in our 40s. It is completely ridiculous and embarrassing.

We have an abundance of good advice for one another. "Put your mental health first?" "He's clearly not good for you, just block him". "Just don't reply next time he calls". We've said it all. None of us are actually acting on it.

We aren't just a group of women so stupid that we're sleeping with awful people for fun, of course. In all cases there are both emotional connections, but also red flags and dead ends. I know we are not alone in this.

So I'm crowdsourcing solutions not just for us but for all the women going through this. It seems to be widespread right now.

What did it take you to walk away from a toxic "situationship" that wasn't serving you?

Was there advice someone gave you? Was it your own realisation? How did you stick to it?

Honestly, I just kept it on the back burner and started going on dates. As my availability dwindled, his communications became more demanding and aggressive so there was really no other way forward but to block him as the penny finally dropped for me. Dodged a massive bullet there although it did not seem that way at the time.

I found out he was married! I could have ruined his life.....but didn't want to be the one to deliver this news to his wife/kids

But five years down the track I still think about him most days as I know we definitely had a connection.

I think you just have to be resolute and not give into the temptation of responding to them and ultimately ask yourself if it was your best friend/daughter what would you tell them to do

Knowing that in all likelihood he isn’t thinking about you even a small fraction of the amount of time you spend thinking about him. If he even thinks about you at all.

Yep, totally agree on this one!
With mine, it had gone on so long. I knew it wasn't going anywhere and that wasn't what I wanted. I told myself that if he actually wanted to be with me properly, he would have done so long ago. Nothing was ever going to change unless I changed it.

I also just focused more on meeting new men and going on dates, and less on seeing him. For me I think I just felt ready to move on and meet someone for something more serious, so it was an internal realisation. In my case there was no animosity, I just stopped seeing him once I met someone (a couple of months after I started going on dates seriously, and he is now my DH). In my case there probably wasn't the emotional connection you describe though.

If you're thinking about moving on, you're obviously self-aware enough to realise this isn't good for you. Maybe think of it the way you would if you were attracted to someone who wasn't interested? You'd just have to graciously move on. Keeping busy should help, replace the time spent messaging or seeing him with something better for you.

You know that it isn’t good for you, so you need to establish why you’re doing something you know isn’t good for you. Boredom? Loneliness? Low self esteem? Once you’ve identified the cause, you can address how to solve it - which could be anything from finding other routes for your spare time to therapy - so that you don’t need to be continuing doing things you don’t think are the right things.

I think for me viewing it as avoidant behaviour (on my part) yes, nice enjoyable safe sex with someone pleasant who I liked spending time with & I was fond of with zero chance of it being a 'real' relationship.

In order to grow and develop I was going to have to 'leave' him and date guys who may be ones I might get into a relationship with. Much scarier and unpredictable but also with the potential to be amazing.

I was going to get 'dumped' by my situationship (I would have been very upset by this as I was reliant on their attention in some ways) or bored of them eventually so why not finish it on my terms.

When I realised that as a woman I was socialised by society to put up with these crap, useless men.

That some men feel entitled to women's support and bodies like we are support humans or something.

Now I have such disdain for these men and for myself for not seeing it sooner.

Once the scales falls from your eyes you can't unsee it.

I had a period of 5 years total celibacy where I focused on my career and DD.

I benefited hugely from that in so many ways.

I then met an amazing man, because my standards were so much higher I guess.

This is super interesting. For me it's boredom. I'm not supposed to sleep with him because we work together.

I find suitable men terribly boring, I think.

Plus he's already such a shitbag, I don't have to worry that he'll unexpectedly hurt me. I am already prepared for the fact he will.

Gosh, I sound dreadful. I promise I'm actually normal, (otherwise) well adjusted human!

Me and my friend were in thus situation years ago. We would meet up over a glass of wine and moan and rant about the two men. Then one time we made a pact that in 2 months both men would be gone. We set a date, put it in our phones and planned a nice dinner foe that evening to celebrate. And believe it or not we did it. And when we became weak and thought to contact them we contacted each other and went out.

We often go back to these men because we don't value ourselves enough.

If it helps, not long after we both went on to meet men who were long term relationships (hers more successful than mine!).

Don't allow anyone to use you. Get out and find someone who respects you.

I don't think that's exactly what PP meant, more like what's missing in your own life that drives you to seek a quick dopamine hit from an unsuitable man. Is it companionship, an ego boost (probably not, if he leaves you feeling like shit), boredom with work, etc?

You don't sound dreadful or unusual actually, it's very very common to act like this. That's why we have words like fuckboy and situationship and so many memes about them, cos so many people can relate.

Why would you find suitable men 'terribly boring'? You're making a snap judgement on strangers because... why? What assumption are you making about 'suitable men' to assume they're boring? And the avoidance of getting hurt... We have to take risks in life.

I think then you have to dig deep as to exactly why you find suitable men "boring". There will be a reason.

Likewise interesting that you say you already know he's a shitbag so no unexpected hurt.

But is this really giving you what you want and fulfilling your needs? I feel if it was you'd just be happy with it and not posting about it!

I decided to rsp3ct myself, for once in my life.

Say bad things about him? STOP SEEING HIM.

Realise I don't like him that much? STOP SEEING HIM.

Embarrassed that I just can't get a relationship together at this age? Stop doing things I do not respect.

I chose to follow a Facebook relationship coach who asks, is this your ten out of ten??? Is THIS the best you can conceive of?

He doesn't text you back, he sees your text and doesn't text back - not good enough. You don't trust him - not good enough. The sex could be better - not good enough. You don't feel safe with him - not good enough. You couldn't introduce him to all the sectors of your life, not good enough. You wouldn't want him staying in your house - not good enough. His standards, his finances, his cleanliness, the way he takes care of himself, his values, his kindness, his patience, his commitment to you, how he treats you, how he looks at you, how he speaks to you, how he is when you want to stay out late with friends - all of it - is it good enough, is it your personal ten out of ten?

THAT is how I stopped seeing stupid men.

Thanks all. Such great responses here and I love how non judgemental they are. I wasn't expecting that.