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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Critical husband

20 replies

Meganb60 · 01/07/2024 11:47

I'll try and keep this short. I bought some wallpaper that I loved and couldn't wait to get it done. DH ( drop the D right now!) was a painter and decorator and has done all the papering since we met 10 years ago. He's very quick but his edging can sometimes be off a bit. I spent all day while he was out putting the new paper up. I took my time, used a plumbline, got everything around sockets and edges perfect and was really chuffed with myself. He came home and started criticising, saying I'd overlapped in various places. If I have, you really can't tell. He then said it looks really nice though. This has upset me so much. He is just such a negative person, constantly nagging about every little thing. I didn't shut the bedroom door, I left a dirty knife on the worktop, on and on. He's far from perfect but I just don't say anything, and I don't want to start playing tit for tat. There's one wall left to paper. Shall I make him do it, and insist that his lines are as perfect as mine..I've lost any enthusiasm now for the whole project and am tempted to get the wallpaper stripper on it. Just wanting people's opinions please

OP posts:
ThirdSpaceFan1 · 01/07/2024 11:56

What a downer.

I absolutely hate it when my dh does this. He constantly pulls me down. He seems to feel he has a right to manage me or perhaps just doesn’t care enough to think how horrible it is to be on the receiving end of that kind of criticisms

honestly over the years I’ve just totally given up doing ANYTHING round the house and I let him do it all to avoid him slating my efforts. Sad really as I would love to do bits and pieces.

If I were you I’d finish the job because I know from experience that if you let him grind you down you will end up feeling generally quite crap about yourself.

ActualChips · 01/07/2024 11:57

The only point of a relationship is that it's meant to be fun and enhance your life. If the man is a whining, controlling bore, consider if this is all you want in life.

soscarlet · 01/07/2024 11:59

Does this person add anything positive to your life? It must be exhausting to be around such negativity all the damn time.

SGsling · 01/07/2024 12:04

There are some people that they just cannot be positive. It would kill them.

My ex-FIL was one. When he saw our beautiful architect designed house, he just said “I don’t really like it.” It was done because it was nicer than the house he built so he had to piss on his son’s chips. That’s what is happening here. Your husband feels an existential attack if you can do his paid work in your spare time. So he has to belittle you.

Can you make a joke of it- “I know, it’s lucky that it’s just in that zone where it isn’t to your standard so it’s shit, but it’s good enough to leave up so you avoid the effort of redoing it, and the bonus that you still get to criticize me. Eh Love?”

Ok that’s neither funny nor a joke, but it is the truth.

Original poster
Meganb60 · 01/07/2024 12:40

I like that. :)

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 01/07/2024 13:22

YABU OP.
Just ignore the negativity. He did say it looked nice after all. Surely you didn't expect him to tell you it was as good as his professional work?

Just crack on and finish the job or he might take credit for it.

Gymnopedie · 01/07/2024 13:43

The wallpaper is obviously the last in a long line of criticisms.

OP how do you usually react? Unless he has some oustanding redeeming qualities I think you need to tell him to quit or you'll be rethinking the relationship. I don't know how long you've been together but eventually he's going to make you a shell of yourself if he doesn't stop.

Either he thinks he's superior to you, or he has an inferiority complex so he has to criticise you and put you down to make himself feel better. Neither of them are acceptable.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/07/2024 13:48

I’d be very tempted to pay someone ( not that I’m implying you didn’t do it well! ) to do the last wall perfectly when he’s out. Then he can criticise ‘your’ work to his heart’s content, because he will, right before you divorce the miserable bastard.

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 13:48

Its about the wallpaper but its not about the wallpaper. Id he worrh keeping? His negativity is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 13:52

You can start the ball rolling by making cards that show his comments and their meaning to you and holding them up when he starts his litany.

Poor job (rude)
Too expensive (mean, stingy)
Dont like your appearance (rude, unloving)
want it different (rude, thoughtless, childish)
You always do wrong thing (argumentative, unhelpful)

FuzzyStripes · 01/07/2024 14:07

I don’t think this has anything to do with the wallpaper. Honestly, if this is what your relationship has come to, you need to work to turn it around or leave.

Ratflaps · 01/07/2024 14:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Comtesse · 01/07/2024 14:33

Don’t you dare take the wallpaper down - if you love it then it should stay!

Discotrousers · 01/07/2024 14:53

OP please don't let him take the shine off this for you and definitely hang that last piece yourself, if you let him finish it instead it will bother you forevermore. Agree with PP's that his negativity is about him, most likely as a way to bolster his own confidence/self esteem and you absolutely should not let him make you feel shit about what you've achieved.

It is something that needs tackling more generally though, either by speaking to him and insisting he finds other ways to deal with his insecurities or by finding a way to counter his behaviour in a way which means it no longer makes you feel bad. Personally I deal with the person in my life who does similar (not DH in my case) by using the anger/irritation it generates to motivate me to do stuff I may not otherwise have the confidence to try, I'm petty enough that it just makes me think 'fuck you, I'm going to do it anyway' when they try to put me down Blush Obviously that wouldn't work for everyone but it's worth having a think about whether there's a way to kind of turn it to your advantage if you're not confident talking to him will change anything.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 01/07/2024 14:54

SGsling · 01/07/2024 12:04

There are some people that they just cannot be positive. It would kill them.

My ex-FIL was one. When he saw our beautiful architect designed house, he just said “I don’t really like it.” It was done because it was nicer than the house he built so he had to piss on his son’s chips. That’s what is happening here. Your husband feels an existential attack if you can do his paid work in your spare time. So he has to belittle you.

Can you make a joke of it- “I know, it’s lucky that it’s just in that zone where it isn’t to your standard so it’s shit, but it’s good enough to leave up so you avoid the effort of redoing it, and the bonus that you still get to criticize me. Eh Love?”

Ok that’s neither funny nor a joke, but it is the truth.

Jesus, my FIL is exactly like this. Runs absolutely everything of ours down. Including our children. Gushes like mad over everything that belongs to his daughter and family. Including her children.

My H seems to believe that his father thinks he’s being helpful and excuses it all. I let him believe that because the truth, that the daughter is golden and worshipped and he is not, is really, really shitty.

CosyLemur · 05/07/2024 07:44

You criticise his wallpapering yet don't expect him to criticise yours?
Although I wouldn't see it as him being a downer - you've got other walls to do take it as constructive criticism; if you don't know what caused you to overlap ask how you avoid doing it next time - if you know why then say " yes; I ......."

NoThanksymm · 05/07/2024 19:48

Ditto!

tell him. I tell mine and it gets better for a very short period.

then talk to him. Ask him to fake some freaking enthusiasm OR do it better than you!

Disturbtheuniverse · 05/07/2024 20:43

My partner criticised me so much that one day I had to put a washing line up and I felt immobilised in the garden just holding the washing line. I realised it was because however I did this simple job he would criticise me for it. I'd been so worn down from his criticism over the years, I felt I couldn't do it.

Thankfully he is no longer my partner.

MummybeeBailey · 06/07/2024 14:41

I'd reply something like I'm happy with it and to be honest if I'd have waited for you to do it, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the hardwork I've done or the prettiness of the wallpaper id be focusing on the shoddy edges you'd have left like usual. 🤣

CatMumFi · 07/07/2024 07:50

My ex husband used to do this, one of the reasons he's now my ex husband (amongst many others) , and it was so draining. Would find fault in every little thing I did. Even now we're not together he still does this, makes digs at my parenting etc but at least now I can just ignore it. This one incident on it's own is rubbish and I get why you feel annoyed/upset, but over time all these little things can really wear you down so if you can speak to him and ask him to try and stop doing it I would do.

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