To cut one of exes contact day

[inthedarkx]

So for context ex sees our children a few hours a week (his Choice) it goes like this,

Week one: Saturday
Week two: Sunday
Week 3: Saturday
Week 4: Sunday

He is supposed to pick up at 11.30am but he's never on time. Now on Sundays is where the problem lies, this Sunday he picked up at 12.40 and dropped off at 14.45 when he's supposed to pick up at 11:30 and have them till around 4. Hes constantly expecting me to be at home waiting for him and in case he wants to drop them off earlier. He says it's because he's on call at work as a gas engineer so I suggested we drop Sundays as he can never properly have the children and he can choose another day and I even offered him to have every Saturday but his response was " I've warned you before and I'll warn you again if you stop me seeing the kids I'll never see them again until they are 18"

I've not suggested that will stop him seeing them I'm simply suggested to change the Sundays to a different day as Sunday causes difficulties. Our youngest child was crying and didn't want to go as she was ready and waiting for an hour a half over pick up time

Am I being unreasonable to suggest a different day?

Nope, not at all. I presume there's a financial incentive to him being on call on a Sunday?

No, you're not. Go back to the families court and put in an application to vary the contact and why. It costs about £300 to do it yourself. You can do the forms online.

He isn't going to run off with the kids. He doesn't even pick them up on time. He is using that as a threat to control you.

What a pathetic Dad he is. Imaging threatening to not see your kids til they are 18! Sounds more like a great idea than a threat!

Maybe suggest he organises his own childcare if he gets called out while they are with him, and you go out until your 4pm agreed time of them coming home. He needs to learn.

I've warned you before and I'll warn you again if you stop me seeing the kids I'll never see them again until they are 18"

He’s trying control you. That fucker would be warning me of nothing. No way would I be putting up with this and if he’d dared say anything like this to me he’d be corresponding via email only. If he CHOOSES not to see them until they’re 18 he’s flogging a dead horse, they’ll probably want nothing to do with him by then. Stand your ground and do allow him to make threats like this.

Tell him if he doesn't pick them up on time and soend the 4.5 hours a week with them he's supposed then he's right, he won't be seeing them until they are 18.

Blackmailing you, emotionally playing with his kids ... kids are probably better off not seeing him at all when he shows them how little he cares about them.

I've warned you before and I'll warn you again if you stop me seeing the kids I'll never see them again until they are 18

What a dick. You’re asking for a mere 5.5 hours of his time and he can’t even do that when you’ve said that you can be flexible on day.

Going to court would be pointless as court orders don’t force him to turn up and drop off on time - they list time slots that the kids need to be available.

I think he’s looking for a reason to stop contact but is waiting for you to act so that he can play the “my crazy ex is stopping me from seeing the kids “ card. If he does stop then remember that you did your best - you were flexible, didn’t demand overnights or be inconsistent with pick up and drop off times.

As the current situation is upsetting DC and the future situation would "upset" Ex I would suggest prioritising DC

A half way suggestion would be to advise him that if he has not arrived within 15 mins of contact time then you will be making other plans

I had similar and had a season ticket to a local attraction to use with DC when Ex didn't show. It's a totally pants situation

Keep a record of all this (day/ date, pick up and drop off time) and drag his ass to court.
also , what would he do if you’re not home? I’d be tempted to see what he does.

Does he actually get called out to work every time he is flaky?

I'd be tempted to give him 10 minutes grace and if he doesn't turn up, go out. Text in advance with your intention (so you have evidence) and then go out. You have offered him contact, and your DC is available, he would not have a leg to stand on (in court or morally) claiming you stopped him seeing the dc.

Same for bringing them home early. Be out. Be unavailable. Go swimming, put your phone in a locker so it won't connect. If he wants to make plans on his contact day then he arranges alternative childcare to cover his work, or he rearranges work to facilitate contact.

It's all about control. Take some back.

He’s controlling you with threats. As others have said, just tell him in writing that this is not working for you or, most importantly, the kids and you need to re-arrange the contact schedule. Make some suggestions but say you’re happy for him to make suggestions but they have to be ones he can keep to. I assume he has days off- why can’t he plan contact around his rotas of when he’s on call? Say that if he won’t agree, you’re happy to take it back to court.

On the days he has the kids make yourself unavailable. Be out. Screen his calls and messages. Do a hobby. Tell him in the worst case scenario he can do X with the kids but make sure X is a very very inconvenient for him. Tell the kids that of course you will be home by X time and they shouldn’t worry but until X time dad is in charge.

Is his threat by the way that you won’t see the kids until they’re 18 or that he won’t? If the former, tell him you’re writing it down and keeping a log of all the threats. If the latter just smile sweetly and say “well that would be a shame for you but if course it would be your choice”. If the latter- honestly would that be a bad thing? Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a bad relationship with a crap dad is better than no relationship at all- they might be better without him if he’s prepared to use dropping contact completely as a threat.

Unfortunately you cannot force your ex to be reliable with contact. He obviously has zero interest in being a good father and there's nothing you can do about it.

His threat to not see them at all is designed to make you fall into line and do as you're told.

Well fuck that.

If he's not on time, then take the kids and go out. He needs to be taught that you will not be messed about any more.

Just ignore his nasty talk and go through family court as already suggested.

On a side note, how old are DC? Could you just not be at home if he wants to drop DC off early? Just tell DC you have plans for Sunday afternoon, they will tell dad ... and you can then rock up 30 minutes before he's ment to drop off.