Saying hello and goodbye

[hellogoodbyebye]

DH does this irritating thing and it is doing my fucking head in.

Yesterday he went to the barbers. Before leaving he said 'I think I'll go to the barbers'. Twenty minutes later, I went upstairs and I was surprised to see he had left. Later he said 'but I said goodbye'.

When he enters a room of people, he will walk in, everyone will notice someone new has entered the room, but he will not say 'hello'. It makes the room awkward and someone else will have to say hello to him first.
If he is leaving the house he does not say goodbye. He will just leave.
If he is entering the house he does not say hi, I'm home - or something along the lines of this.

I'm heavily pregnant. What if something had happened and I was completely unaware he's not even in the house?

Other times he just leaves. AIBU?

I think you may be in the DH camp of greetings

Indeed. I already said I was! Not something worth getting upset about.

Other people can imagine it though, because they've been on the receiving end of that sort of ignorance. It makes you feel uncomfortable at the very least, like you're not really welcome or wanted. I also have experience of it being a subtle show of contempt and deliberate rudeness, as part of emotional abuse and that vexed me! If you come to my house and don't even greet me, you're being disrespectful to me IMO and there's no excuse. Do it more than once and you won't be welcome here anymore! I have past experience of it.

Maybe it's me but saying I think I'm going to go to the barbers (unless saying I'm going to the barbers now see you in a bit) is not goodbye - he could be thinking ah I'll go in an hour or later this afternoon etc. To me that is not goodbye - no wonder you were surprised and like wtf, where are you?! On a more sombre note, my mum always taught me to say goodbye after someone she knows had a serious motorbike accident after (admittedly storming) going out of the house having not said bye, luckily they were okay but my mum always says you don't know what could happen and god forbid if that's the last time you see them and have not even said goodbye/love you. Equally, not saying hello I would find strange. I'm not saying you have to announce yourself to all in a big fanfare but a simple hiya/hello/you okay? to me is usual social etiquette. I have walked into an environment before where no one has said hello and it is odd and makes you feel like you are invisible and honestly like what is the point of me being here. Also if you are in the house by yourself and suddenly someone appears that would frighten the life out of me if had not realised they were back as hadn't called even to say hiya or similar. Like I say - maybe this is all just me?! 🤷🏼‍♀️

But you could just as equally say it the other way round. If someone us in your house and you enter and the person already there doesn't say hello according to OP that's fine, but if the person entering isn't the first to say hello that's not OK.

What's the difference? Why is there a rule on who has to speak first?

If someone's saying hello and he's ignoring them and not replying or something that's rude and yes, potentially aggressive. But this has been entirely about who opens their mouth first which seems a very minor thing to care about

Haha, doing what your DH does would absolutely mess with my family!

I once left the house without saying goodbye (to a very recently discussed and pre-planned appointment) because my DH was deeply engrossed in a tricky DIY job. He called me in a panic when he realised I’d left without a goodbye, thinking something was wrong ☺️

Actually, it’s very rare DH and I separate without a kiss. Just a little peck. But it’s like muscle memory.

And with 3 DCs we do tend to announce our arrival to sort of make sure we’ve all greeted each other iyswim. I’ll even sometimes count off 😆 like “hello chicken 1, hello chicken 2, hello chicken 3”

Maybe we’re a bit extreme the other way 😅

I think it’s really rude.

However, surely he has always been like this? Or is it new behaviour?

If DH said he was going to the barbers then went to the barbers without saying goodbye I'd just think "OK, he has gone to the barbers," if I couldn't find him.

As for saying hello to people, it really depends on the scenario. You seem to be making heavy weather of this, OP.

Apropos of nothing, but this thread has suddenly started me singing

STANDING AT THE DOOR OF THE PINK FLAMINGO
CRYING IN THE RAIN
IT WAS A KIND OF SO-SO LOVE,
AND I'M GONNA MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN AGAIN....

Your husband gets on your nerves, understandable but a bit petty.
You are heavily pregnant, not sick and incapacitated.

It’s a good practice and one we did too. It is very reassuring to children and prevents feelings of abandonment to formally say goodbye and hello when leaving them. It lets them know you will return on one end, helps them endure your absence confidently, and then reintegrate s you back in the family when you come back.
Right now OP is noticing the difference in family culture between her and her dh. The two of you will need to be more self conscious and gracious about how you jointly raise your children. Because one of you is going to want more acknowledgment and one less.

My bf does this also. I can be upstairs and not realise he’s been in for an hour. He slips away also. But to him, announcing plans and the start of a day is sufficient. I’ve got used to it now.

If I wasn't around when visitors arrive and then walked in to where they were , I'd greet them. If they were close friends I suppose I wouldn't notice who greeted who first because it'd be spontaneous from both sides. I would be polite and say hello if it was people I didn't know well but if they arrived and walked into the room where I was, especially if I didn't know they were coming, I'd expect them to greet me first and if they didn't, I'd see it as rude and a sign of disrespect and as very rude. My FIL did this on both occasions he came to my house , uninvited and with no heads-up. Just walked into my living room and ignored me. The 2nd time he did that I ignored him too until he spoke to me, but it was only to complain so I just grey-rocked him. He was a very rude and bad mannered man in general though, even his adult children acknowledged it.
Maybe it's a subjective thing, but to me, and it seems to other PPs, greeting people and letting them know you're leaving is just basic courtesy and consideration, whereas others seem to think it doesn't matter or is completely uneccessary. That's fine so long as both parties feel that way, but if one party feels dismissed, ignored or disrespected, it can become a problem, as it ahs for the OP.
Do you always wait for others to greet you first, or does it ebb and flow? If the former, I suspect people will start to feel a bit uncomfortable and that you don't like them, so if you do like someone and want to make them feel welcome, it'd be best if you let them know by enthusiastically greeting them first sometimes or they might get the wrong idea. If you don't like the person and want them to leave and never come back, crack on with ignoring them until they speak to you first. It'll work unless they've the hide of a rhinocerous!

I’d hate this OP, and it’ll get more important to know who is where when the baby is here and one of you will need to be watching them. Quite honestly I’d put up with him doing it sarcastically and just pretend he’s doing it normally until it becomes a habit with him. “it’s much nicer now you always say goodbye when you’re off” etc. To not say hello or goodbye to other people = treating them a bit like furniture to me.

Do you always wait for others to greet you first, or does it ebb and flow?
I have no idea. I've never noticed if I'm speaking first or not or if I've been greeted or done the greeting. It's always been more organic than that.

Hmmm, not sure which camp I’m! For example yesterday I told my lot in the morning that I’d pop out to fill up my car at some point (and asked if anyone needed anything from the shop) but didn’t actually say goodbye when I left to do it several hours later. I also didn’t announce my arrival home.
However I will always announce both departure and arrival if I’m going to be leaving someone alone/coming home to one other person….
The whole saying hello when walking into a room thing - I’d stay quiet if the conversation is flowing, but I would smile/make a gesture of acknowledgment (awkward wave!)
people who announce their arrival in the middle of other people’s conversations are very rude IMO, it’s like they must have all the attention immediately!

It's just me and him and no, I don't say hello and neither does he. My usual greeting to DD when I see her is a hug. "Hello" and "goodbye" can be said in many different ways it doesn't always need to be those exact words though which is what your OP suggests, IMO.

This type of silly pettiness is the sort of thing that gradually builds up and can become a huge wall of resentment in a long term relationship.

Neither of you is right, nor wrong. Just different in your approach. It is so important in the wider scheme of life whether someone says 'I'm going to X' vs saying 'goodbye'. It has now morphed into him making a grand announcement, in time that will become wearing as well. Learn to accept people as they are.

I think it’s important to know whether you’re alone in the house or not. What if the OP had gone off to have a nap or something and left the door unlocked believing he was in the house?

I agree

My dh has aways done this and it has been a continuous source of frustration . OP, I definitely get this!!
He never says hello or goodbye to me unless I initiate it. Same with please and thank you. It is totally weird. His dp were always very polite and well mannered so if does not come from upbringing.

I have tried endlessly throughout our long marriage to get him to change. Impossible. There have been times I thought I would leave him because of it. Now that is crazy, isn't it?

We used to live in a very large house with extensive garden with front and back entrances. At one time he got in the habit of leaving after lunch while I was outside in the garden and he would accidentally lock me out of the house!!! Who would do this to their spouse?

I sometimes would have to climb a tree to get back in an upstairs window if I didn't have my phone with me. The fact he had to come back from work to let me in didn't seem to bother him. I truly think it was all because he hated having to call my name (which he never does) and say goodbye.

Some people are unfathomable.

I must say, I think that you are way overthinking what is really a minor miscommunication. However, I did similar things when heavily pregnant, as did probably most people here.

I don't think so. It is a kind of tip of the iceberg thing. Probably like the criticizing the wallpaper professional painter/decorator husbsnd thread. I failed to see through that too.

I think it's a sort of non- issue slightly weird yes maybe but you can't change someone to fit your idea of how he should act and speak.

if you've said you find it irritating and he still does it it's because that's who he is, my sister dosnt say please and thankyou to cashiers and it grind my gears something rotten but I can't change her, she says it's social anxiety I think it's down right rudeness but what can you do?

A hug also counts as a greeting!