No 'good luck' from partner on first day of new job job

[CallyT]

My partner is neurodiverse and I am slowly learning all that this means. In general he is a very supportive partner.

When I was unhappy and wanted to leave my job, he talked through all the options with me. He said well done when I finally resigned.

When I actually got this job he didn't say congratulations. I reminded him yesterday I was starting the new job today but he replied to other things I was saying and didn't acknowledge it.

This morning family and my best friend have sent me good luck messages but nothing from him. AIBU?

The relationship is good otherwise so doesn't seem like a hill to die on but feels a bit disappointing. I almost think he thinks 'she'll obviously do well' but hasn't verbalised it.

I guess my real question is - should I even bring it up or just leave it

He's your partner, of course bring it. No need to make a big scene out of it, but it is thoughtless anyway and, I am not sure it's fair you have to say it, but it's important to make him realise how you feel.

Glad it isn't just me @Epicaricacy

He did so many thoughtful things for me last week in general that I don't want to look like I don't care about this while pointing this out.

The thing is, his neurodiversity is likely to mean that such things will occasionally happen, wherein he doesn't act or speak in the 'traditionally expected' way (I know that non-ND people can also do this!).

I'm saying that I think you're going to need to let some stuff go, otherwise you'll be forever complaining that he doesn't act in the socially typical way you expect.

I think you're right @VickyEadieofThigh

However he has also said I need to let him know directly when I want or need things. I don't think I can put up with a lifetime of not being celebrated when I do it for him, so not sure I want to let this one slide.

Personally, I’d leave it. I’d be disappointed though. Your feelings are totally valid.

Last year I was so hurt that the guy I’d been dating (he has ADHD) for a few months didn’t say happy birthday to me on my 30th. Luckily no longer dating.

I don’t know if it’s just a male thing or a neurodiverse thing. But yeah, it stings.

Congrats on your new job btw 💐

Why would yoh leave it rather than raise it @HolyPeaches ?

If I do that and we stay together the same will probably happen for the next job and so on.

And thank you 🙂

If he's said you need to tell him directly, just tell him.

My dh is similar, he doesn't always know to say/do things like that but is very well intentioned and happy to be asked, in a straightforward manner.

(In my experience the question in the long term is, how do you feel about a lifetime of having to tell him?)

@CallyT Why would you leave it rather than raise it?

IMO, I think that people are either thoughtful like that, or they aren’t. And we can’t change other people to act/behave differently. Especially adults. (And especially neurodiverse adults).

You could well pull him up on it and say “I’m really upset/disappointed that I started my new job today and I didn’t get a ‘good luck’ message”.
It might make him think “oh shit, yes I probably should have said something”.

But then the cycle continues with the next new job, presentation, exam etc. It won’t make them automatically give well wishes for a milestone or event in the future. If that makes sense.

What other things were you telling him at the same time? Maybe if you want him to really acknowledge something then in that instance stick to one topic at a time.

@DaniMontyRae nothing important!

One message was about the new job and the other was about the Euros match the night before that we both watched. That's what he responded to.

I think the answer to that @mimblewimble is I wouldn't feel good!

@HolyPeaches I know what you mean. I think is also about how he's grown up. I come from a family where all milestones are celebrated. In his family they barely celebrate birthdays. He was delighted when I made a big deal of his.

So I know what you're saying and you may be right. But as he IS thoughtful in other areas, I'd at least like to give him the chance to adapt. I think I will lightly bring it up.

I wouldn't care about good luck messages but I'd want him to ask how it went.

Actually @QueenCamilla he might still do that. So I'll give him a chance first!

ND person here. Bring it up. It always helps to know what sort of communications people like. I suspect you are right in your reasoning, but it does not hurt to say 'I know you do wish me well, but it would have been nice to be wished good luck/ asked how my day went.'

Thanks @EsmeSusanOgg I will bring it up today.

Hopefully he takes it on board and understands.

@CallyT Yep totally with you!🙂Hopefully he will ask you how it’s gone and how you’ve found it later. & if not, then mention it.

Please don’t think I’m trying to tell you to LTB over my experience with my ex and ‘no 30th birthday message’ btw. Dumped him for much much worse 😂

I would probably tell him tonight that some people text you good luck and that it made you feel good, it was kind of them. Just so he knows that’s it’s the done thing

Absolutely b ring it up. Also pay attention as this relationship develops - whether on purpose or not, if the relationship cannot meet your needs, this should not be a long term one. This is true no matter what the issue is. if you feel strongly that you need a partner who is your equal in the kitchen and will do 50% of all cooking, it's perfectly okay to decide a lovely man is not right for you.

We all have things that are important to us that might be less important to other people. That's ffine. But we don't have to live without those things for a lifetime.

I will do that @IdLikeToBeAFraser

Your example is funny because he recently said he'd like us to split the cooking 50/50. He brought that up as a need for him, so there's no reason why I can't do the same here.

Excellent. You can make a nice logical and fair argument to him! Good luck with the new job too!

It sounds like he didn't send a message because he didn't realise one was expected.

I would bring it up but in a factual, non accusatory way.

Told him how I feel.

Replied 'Yeah, sorry. I obviously hope it works out well. Considering your skillset I'm sure it will.'

It has upset me but he clearly didn't mean anything by it. Just need to focus on the job.

Clearly he does not mean to upset you. But I am curious about when things that upset you that he does becuase he just doesn't think that way - where is the line for you? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think you should be LTB over this, but my dad always says some version of "if you can't even treat each brilliantly in the beginning, what are the chances you can do do it when you're 10 years in, have 2 children and an elderly parent".