Living in a pressurised scenario - wwyd?

[Shettani]

I’m living in what feels like a pressure chamber- my daughter is preparing for 11 + and the stress is getting too much. It’s mainly because if my husband and his expectations. No matter how many times I tell him to realign the expectations it’s like Groundhog Day. My entire marriage has been like this- target after target. After 20 years I’m an anxious wreck who now cannot fly home to see my family. In top of that my job is stressful at times and I have always managed to run with this. However lately I’m really struggling, feeling overwhelmed and always feel like crying. I’m 43 now so peri menopause might be kicking in as well.

im thinking of quitting my job and taking a break- I work as an interim. I feel like I’ve lost direction and cannot concentrate on my work. This is due to the pressure scenario created by him not the work. And my daughter has learned how to throw a tantrum which makes the house unbearable over weekends

Am I being silly to take a break for few weeks?

Your poor DD. If this has been going on 20 years then a few weeks break will give you some respite but won't change anything.

Please think about the effect this is having on your DD. You're setting her up for a lifetime of insecurity and feeling like she's never good enough if you don't deal with your DH's behaviour now.

No, don’t quit your job. I’d quit your husband first, and that’s easier to do if you’ve got a steady income. You don’t, and your daughter doesn't, need to meet anyone’s ‘targets’. Why can’t you take some AL and fly to see your family?

I’m not surprised your DD is throwing tantrums, either, poor girl.

The problem is your husband. Have you addressed his behaviour with him at all?

Another one thinking quitting your husband might bring a more positive outcome…

@Vestigial because I develop panic attacks- and now very very anxious to fly. I have done the fear of flying course but it won’t be a quick turnaround

Yes I want to leave but he keeps saying how we will work it out etc

My ds is preparing for 11+ and I've got one in grammar already. If you are having to do so much work for it, you are setting her up for a hard time once she is in the school. I think you need to stand up for your dd. I thought I was putting too much pressure on my ds but I think we are positively relaxed now!

Does she have a tutor? We just do what the tutor tells us and tbh I can't get ds to do as much as I'd like.

Take a break then put your foot down. Making her miserable will backfire.

You don’t need his permission to end your marriage, though.

Your job isn't the problem, your husband is.

It isn't up to him whether or not the marriage continues. Stand up for yourself and your DD - it sounds awful for both of you.

Op if he's serious about working it out then I'd suggest finding a couples therapist through the BCP website, and see if he's willing to work through these issues / change.

It sounds beyond exhausting. I live with generalised anxiety thanks to my upbringing and my dm. My dh is an anxious and easily stressed person too. I'm trying everything I can not to let this effect out dd, there's the genetic link to anxiety but a lot of it is behavioural and we can help ourselves. I don't want dd to end up an anxious wreck like I was by my late teens

Your poor daughter.

Sounds awful....and sounds like you are living in a permanent state of heightened anxiety. It is so bad for you. I imagine once the 11+ is out of the way, there will be something else.

If after 20 years you haven't worked it out I don't think it will happen

Protect yourself and your daughter

@Comedycook yes there always is- the next will be paying the mortgage off and having a plan to care for parents.
or moving to another country

He is like a teenager who wants to grab everything but doesn’t know what to do with it once it’s in his reach- jobs, house, schools everything has been like this.

The reason I keep talking about taking a break from the job is because I feel so thinly stretched emotionally- cannot focus

But your job isn’t the problem. Your husband is. You’re ‘solving’ a non-issue by cutting off your nose here, and making it harder for you to end your marriage.

You sound like my mom. Nothing ever changed. In the end I had to cut contact with both of them, as their fights were making me so miserable.

It's him you need to break from not your job

@midgetastic agree however my head is a mess so cannot think straight