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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to sometimes just leave my baby to cry?

20 replies

peggotty · 10/04/2008 08:41

He is 12 weeks. There are days when he just grizzles most of the day for no apparent reason. I try all the usual things - feeding, shushing etc etc, but I also have a 3yo dd and usually have to get out the house at a certain time, so sometimes I just put him in his swing and leave him to grizzle while I get ready, do things around the house etc. He will eventually either shut up or go to sleep. I know that if I spent the whole morning carrying him around he would be as happy as larry but I can't (I have a sling btw but you can't have a shower or do some ironing with a 14llb baby in a sling can you?!) I feel bad about doing it but I can't think what else to do. I see so many dire warnings on mn about leaving babies to cry. Who said 2nd babies were more laid back?! grrrrr

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 10/04/2008 08:45

dd was a very grumpy baby, i think from what others havesaid that some just are like this, she is still grumpy at 2.5 but does have her sunnier times of day.

Does he do it whenever you oput him down? Or is it certain times? I know dd used to be fine from getting up til about 9am ish and it took me weeks to realise that she was tired then, she would get tired and grumpy at certain times in the day and yes i did let her cry a bit, if he can see you and you chat to him he will soon realise that you cannot hold him every minute and that this is not going to end the world

just my opinion (ducks in preperation for being shot down in flames)

numptysmummy · 10/04/2008 08:46

Leaving a baby to cry when you have tried everything else is not going to do them ant harm. Whenever any of mine were like that it was usually because they were over tired and the more you jiggle them,shush them etc the worse the get.

throckenholt · 10/04/2008 08:47

when you have twins like I did you realise that there is no option but to make sure they are safe, relatively comfortable and then leave them to it sometimes. You do have to fit in the rest of life even if you have a grizzly baby around.

I think a lot of babies that grizzle a lot are actually overtired and don't know how to get to sleep - carrying them around keeps them warm and gives them a bit of movement which is often enough to soothe them.

Have you tried white noise (eg out of tune radio) - that might help to settle him if he is wanting to sleep.

gingernutlover · 10/04/2008 08:48

just read that sometimes he goes to sleep - so yes probably these times he is tired, dd could never accept her tiredness (doesnt now really) so i had to enforce a routine of nap times for both our sanities. I did read Gina Ford and although I could not follow it to the letter, it was useful to follow as a rough guide to how much sleep dd may need in a day.

i have alwasy been told that 2nd babies are more laid back - no way am i risking it dd is quite enough on her own.

TeaDr1nker · 10/04/2008 08:52

I started to leave DD to cry over the bank holiday - she is now 19 weeks as i had had enough of not really being able to soothe her so i let her cry it out.

The funny thing is, when i say to people 'oh yes, i left her to cry', more often than not the response from other more experienced mums is, 'oh yes, i did that'. People just don't want to admit to it.

BTW, now i do let her cry and she settles herself within 10 minutes or so. I guess some babies need to cry IMHO

MrsBadger · 10/04/2008 08:56

the 'dire warnings' are about leaving them to wail, red-faced, breathless and inconsolable

grizzling is not the same thing

pinata · 10/04/2008 09:04

nothing wrong with that IMO - we've left DD to cry occasionally since she was born and nothing else worked. she rarely went for more than 10 or 15 mins if there was nothing actually wrong

from the very beginning she's been a baby who gets cheesed off when she's handled too much, so sometimes we had no choice. picking her up just made it worse

the advantage now is that when she cries it's usually for a good reason. she only has occasional bouts of grizzling

i would say keep doing it when you need to, and as mrsbadger says just don't leave him screaming and wailing. hopefully after a while he'll learn grizzling is a waste of time

Original poster

peggotty · 10/04/2008 09:17

Yes it does tend to coincide with tiredness and I usually try to get him to go to sleep within 1.5 -2 hrs of him waking. He is rubbish at napping though, wakes after 20 mins, 30 on a good day, so probably does so much grizzling because he's constantly needing to nap. Mrs Badger, yes you're right it's more the inconsolable crying that has the dire warnings - it's physically impossible to ignore that!

OP posts:

poodlepusher · 10/04/2008 10:09

It sounds like you're doing what you can. Don't beat yourself up. I think there's always some guilt attached to how we care for our second babies. They do have to muck in with the rest for the most part.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 12:43

It's not like you're leaving him to cry because you can't be bothered to feed him.

If you've done all you feel you can do, then leaving him for a while because you have to get ready isn't going to hurt.

pinata · 10/04/2008 12:48

the way i rationalised it in my head (as i found it quite difficult to do) was that there are babies with reflux, colic etc who wail for hours and there's nothing the poor parents can do. if they come out undamaged, then a little grizzling and occasional bout of crying won't do any harm

sweetkitty · 10/04/2008 12:53

I used to do the same thing with DD2, feed, wind, change then in swing if she was moaning, half the time she fell asleep anyway. When you have a toddler the baby has to cry sometimes you cannot do it all.

BITCAT · 10/04/2008 13:04

Nothing at all wrong with that, if they are clean, dry, fed and not unwell, it certainly will not do any harm.
When you have other children to care for sometimes there is no other option but to let them cry for a little while and sometimes i found it easier to walk away for a few minutes and have a cuppa and calm down before trying to settle again.
Sometimes they will get themselves to sleep and will get used to the fact that they are not going to get picked up everytime they cry. Some babies just do cry a lot..my 1st was very placid..never cried except for when needed nappy change or feeding..kept himnself amused. 2nd was total opposite cried all the time was never satisfied..drove me mad..couldnt even eat me tea in peace..and shes still a whinger now and shes 6yo now!

loopylou6 · 10/04/2008 13:06

Nothing wrong with that at all. I made the mistake with my ds of carrying him everywhere all the time, i ended up not ahving the choice in the end coz he wanted to be glued to me all the time, he'd go to bed with me, get up with me scream blue murder if iw alked out the room etc etc. This time round with my dd if she was fed dry not hot/cold and had had attention then i would leave her to cry, its resulted in a much more independant child

2point4kids · 10/04/2008 13:31

DS2 is 7 weeks old and I do the same occassionally, when i need to get something done or be with Ds1. He is usually grizzly due to over tiredness as well.

I do leave him to scream/wail and go red too as well sometimes. He cries most evenings for about 2 hours (colicky I think) whether I hold him or not. Most of the time I try to comfort him all the time he is crying, but I just have to put him down to bath DS1 and get him to bed... I cant find any other way of working things. (I always make sure he is fed, changed etc before putting him down)

Havent heard these dire warnings of leaving them to cry, so hope I'm not doing anything too terrible!!

loopylou6 · 10/04/2008 13:32

Apparently the problem with boys is, if they are left to scream for to long they can develop a hernia

cheesesarnie · 10/04/2008 13:34

its your baby do what you feel helps you and him!my first i ran to soon as she cried-i dropped everything!by 3rd dc i realised it was ok to let him cry while i made breakfast for other 2,or god forbid had a wee!

Egg · 10/04/2008 13:39

My DTs are 13 weeks old and I have to sometimes leave them to cry. I have DS1 who has just turned two as well and I cannot possibly sort out all three at once if I am on my own with them. DS1 nearly always gets seen to first, unless DTs are long overdue a feed or something.

I do remember taking DS1 to the loo with me when I needed to wee sometimes as he wouldn't stop crying .

DS2 does have a hernia though loopylou! Think it is from poo related pushing not crying though.

BITCAT · 10/04/2008 13:40

Well i dont believe you would leave your baby that long, to cause such a thing. We are probably talking 30mins plus and i would never leave my baby that long and i dont believe many would do that!

paddlinglikemad · 10/04/2008 13:43

as a baby my DS2 used to cry and moan
whenever I put him down, then he fell in love
with the hoover as soon as I switched it on he was in bliss and often dropped off to sleep, even now at 16months he gets very excited about seeing the hoover ! ...at bedtime he still cries and grizzles when I put him down , but after 5 minutes he drops off (before the waking at 4am to create havoc...but don'tthink neighbours would appreciate the hoover at that time!)....

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