Advice on ex husband and child

[Bumblebee64]

Hello everyone,

Me and my ex husband broke up last September when my daughter was 2. We broke up as after my daughter was born ,he became very jealous, mentally abusive and just a horrible person. He had always been mentally abusive but became noticeably worse after she was born.

Anyway despite this I have tried my hardest for my daughter to have a relationship with him. It has been a constant battle. We wil agree on days and then the next day he is wanting to change them and this has been going on evey week for litrally months, all sorts of reasons and all last minute, told me he "needed a life" as one excuse.

These last 4 months he has moved into his own house and things have become worse still ,some days when he is ment to see his daughter he is not showing up and then messaging telling me 2 hours later how his "alarm didn't go off".

Also on 4 occasions all of which I have documented and have evidence of he has left her in the same nappy I have put her in for 8 hours. We have exchanged many a harsh message over this with him claiming im lying but he has also admitted on one occasion also that he forgot.

The other thing that concerns me is he is obsessed with what she eats so much so he actually made her unwell twice within the last 2 months, again this has been documented with the Dr. He had given her mango which she had a very upset tummy over and when told he said he "would still be giving it as it is healthy for her" to which he did and a few days later she was again unwell and had bright green poo due to her stomach being inflamed.

He just dosent listen and I have tried every way to make him understand what he is doing is wrong but he is completely arrogant and thinks just because he's her Dad he's allowed to get away with these things.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions, what would you do? I have been trying my hardest to keep it out of court but feel I have no option now. I have literally hundreds of screenshots of the abuse I have received off him while still with him and all that has followed since.

I don't want her not to see her Dad but at this point I don't feel it is causing her any good to see him.

Court is the best option.

Well done for getting everything documented. You need a court order, but you also have safety concerns with the food issue. So I would be seeing a solicitor and getting advice.

I was advised that as I have safety concerns around food/allergies with my daughter and her dad that he could only have supervised contact. I was told that as I have concerns for her safety but then didn't do anything about it I wouldn't be seen in a good light either (even though I didn't know what to do as I was in a new situation and I'm also scared of him.) so we went to contact being supervised by me for a while until his behaviour escalated yet again...

Yes tbh I am also scared to stop contact in fear of how he will react.

Thank you for you reply, I have no real people I can ask as he isolated me so much when we were together however I am not going to stand for his awful behaviour anymore ethier.

Would I have to look at mediation first as I see this as pointless personally as he is a very good liar. However as I said I have alot of evidence against him too.

See a solicitor before you make any decisions. Anything you do now could be used against you later in court, so get advice before you act.

Thank you! X

Yeh I think going to a solicitor is best, because they will give you advice very personalised for your situation but also once they have given you the options it gave me confidence to stand firm. It sounds like you also don't have a lot of confidence when it comes to your ex, so being able to remind yourself that you were advised by a professional who isn't emotionally biased does help with sticking to what you have said, especially when the ex starts bombarding you.
With mediation... Eurgh. Yeh I think you're supposed to do it before court, but speak to a solicitor first. My experience of mediation is it must work great for a lot of parents who are reasonable...however when dealing with the likes of our ex's it was completely pointless besides getting the C100 for to go to court with.

Speak to a solicitor. Tell them what you have said her and take your evidence.
My Aunt was able to refuse mediation and go straight to court. Her Ex had been physically abusive towards her.

Stop initiating contact. Let him make all arrangements for his contact. If he is late don't contact, after an hour carry on with the day.

To keep giving her food she has had a reaction to is highly irresponsible. Not changing nappy is disgusting, poor DD.
Good Luck @Bumblebee64 💐

Thank you both this is a huge help!

Makes you think (even though you know) your not the crazy one in this situation!!

Yes definitely having that professional advice will give me the confidence to really stand up for myself and my daughter I think, I have booked for a free phone call so fingers crossed we can get the ball rolling!

R.e the contact, yes I definitely have to do this more, I just feel for my daughter and want her to have that relationship but at the same time there is only so much you can do with people like her Dad!

I need to stop trying to be nice and stand firm definitely! As he's certainly not nice to me in any way!

It takes time. It is never easy to see your child upset, especially when it is the person you procreated with that is causing it. It is for the best and will allow him to show his own short comings.
You and DD have had a lot of change to deal with. That's not easy, nor is being a single mum.

Try to remember that you can't control what he does any more than he can you. That's a good thing.
Keep being the best mum you can be and your DD will always know love ❤️
I hope the phone call helps give you some answers.

I don’t think you should stop contact but go to a mediator about food and nappies and tell him if you can my trust him with those two things then the time she’s out with him will need to be shorter so you can do the means and ensure she has a nappy change

I think this is bad advice as why would op want to go to court? If he goes to court he will get more rights set in stone and op will be in breech of court order if she doesn’t send her daughter. What court cannot do is force him to show up reliably which is the only thing op would benefit from

It’s great you’ve documented loads, I think you’re gonna need it because court is probably the best option. As others have said, get some legal advice before you do anything else. My ex and I didn’t have mediation because it wasn’t considered appropriate due to his abusive behaviour. The same might be said about your situation. Definitely sounds like it would be a waste of time with an arrogant, selfish arsehole like your ex. Your poor little
girl. And poor you.

Yes I do worry what the court will say

I've never not wanted them to have a relationship at all, in fact ice exhausted myself trying to do so.

He has been on mental health medication for years also but we do have set days that he actually agreed to himself/we did together but he just never sticks to them or wants to swap to the next day almost every week.

Like for example this week he was ment to see her twice yet had a headache both days and "didn't want her to be loud" so he only saw her once.

And then as you can imagine it is not fair on me or my daughter to just buckle at his feet at every want and need he has although he expects it!

You know we have a life too 🙃

It sounds like if you don’t push it then he will see her less. Which at the moment is a good thing. When she’s a bit older & more independent, his neglect will hopefully have less effect.

See the solicitor for advice but in the meantime be less able to accommodate his changes. Plenty of time in the future for them to build ‘a relationship’ IF it’s in her best interests.

Oh it is definitely an all for show thing and I honestly believe if he could run away and have no consequence from it he would! But he likes to look like a good Dad on the surface!

Thank you I really appreciate it x