Is my friend BU?

[Newbie1234098]

I have a good friend of 4 years. We both have children the same age.

There have been a few times where we both agreed to meet, but she will ghost me on the day. It doesn't matter who initiates the meet. It can range from big days out to small things such as the park for an hour or a stroll to the beach as we live near it. Sometimes plans have gone ahead. However sometimes they haven't. I have messaged on the morning but get no read message on WhatsApp until the later afternoon where she will act as if nothing has happened and will ignore the conversation about the plans. She has been active on WhatsApp and Facebook so it's not as if she hasn't been on her phone. I don't pester her either.

I'm fed up of making plans, and them not going ahead. I've had other friends ask to meet me and I will say sorry I've got plans already, but then I'm left doing nothing if this particular friend ghosts me. She's been a good friend to me in the past, however this whole thing is baffling me.

What have others done in this situation? I don't want to not be friends as she's done a lot in the past for me and the children are friends. I feel let down.

Is it possible that she has anxiety? That’s the only reasonable manifestation of this behaviour that I can think of. Having a direct and frank discussion with her about it is really the only way forward, I couldn’t tolerate that behaviour without good explanation either OP.

That's a shit friend. If you still want to be friends with her just ask her outright why she ghosts you?

Your friend is very unreasonable not to apologise or acknowledge occasions when she has flaked out on plans

Have you asked for an explanation next time you see her?

I would stop making plans if she can't even be bothered to provide an excuse

This is common with low mood/anxiety. Are you able to ask your friend about how they feel?

Maybe don't make any plans on advance. Try only doing things at short notice

But it doesn’t matter how she feels. If she feels unable to meet as planned, for whatever reason, she still needs to say so to the OP.

You can have anxiety and still have manners, just ignoring the fact you’ve made plans is beyond rude. I’d call her out on it the next time she suggests meeting up - tell her you’re reluctant as she often doesn’t stick to them without having the courtesy to let you know.

I’d have to have a direct conversation with her, you’ve got specific examples to give, just ask her what’s going on?

Op. Don't make plans with her. Just don't do it. If she asks you why point out what she does. I'm sorry op it really isn't any harder then this.

She's a flaky friend, keep her in your life if you must.
Do not organise or agree to any meet ups for 6 months, focus on people who treat you with dignity and respect.
Also work on yourself; it's not acceptable to treat you like this. If you can't ask her because you're not confrontational then stop making plans. You're a good person, repeat until you believe it OP

Does she apologise or explain after she misses the day out? I honestly don't think I could tolerate this level of flakiness. A one off maybe, but not more than that

Sounds like anxiety, when it manifests there is nothing they can do.

Use the next opportunity to pull her up on it

"Is everything ok because you didn't show etc etc ."

In person if possible

If she's evasive friendship done . But I would address it before calling it off

My guess is Depression/anxiety or burnout/overwhelm.

I have a couple of long term friends who do this sometimes - they both struggle with the above for different reason and I give them a bit of leeway/had to adjust my expectations of them. We talk quite openly about it too, but have known them both years.

Also to add, it’s still perfectly reasonable of you to be a bit pissed off by it!

You really do not understand mental illness or anxiety.

Stop making plans.
Next time she suggests something, say no thanks, you normally don't show up and don't message me or even apologise afterwards and I'm sick of it.

Just out of interest, how many years of her doing this to you do you feel obliged to accept before you feel you've served your time out of obligation to the friend she used to be?

God I'd just not bother
I couldn't cope with that

Anxiety or not it's a shit thing to do. Even if she can't face talking to you on the day she could explain at a later date.

Tbh I'd just not make any plans with her, if she asks why I'd be blunt and tell her .

I’ll tell you what I’d do. If I made plans with Flaky Friend (knowing what she’s like) and Other Friend asked me to do something with her, I’d send Flaky Friend a message saying something like this:
Hi Flaky Friend, unfortunately I won’t be able to make our meeting in X place at Y time after all. Sorry about that. Talk to you soon -@Newbie1234098
and I’d accept a few more of the gatherings that Other Friend invites you to.

That literally describes everyone I know!

Its infuriating. I think people do it to be "polite", but I do not get saying something (let's catch up tomorrow at 10) you don't mean.... just why???

You may be confused with who I was talking to here. It wasn’t you.

I absolutely do. It does not let you off the hook of basic human politeness in the form of a brief text to a friend.