Words with mil

[Bluebirthdaycard]

Long story short, dp does not speak or want anything to do with his ds since 2017. His DM can't see any fault in her dd, golden girl etc but lives overseas from her and only comes over to visit if there's a free holiday or even just to get her hair cut which was the case a few weeks back. Mil had a stay in hospital recently and dp went out of his way going in ambulance with her, visiting, sorting the cat out etc and golden girl did nothing except bark out orders from her iPad. Mil ds (their aunt) died recently and she asked my dp if he'd go with her to which he agreed but golden girl decided she wants to go so naturally, mil not bothered if dp goes or not now. It was mentioned over dinner today and she made mention that golden girls husband is also going. So I'm sitting there thinking well why can't they sit together an dp can sit with his DM? Got worked up as I was thinking of how much he had done for her when she was in hospital and she can't even return a kindness, so I called her out on it, "well I cant cut myself in half can I?" to which I responded "no but she always comes first doesn't she?". Should I have kept out of it or was I right to call her up on her blatant favouritism of her children?

Unwise but not necessarily wrong. It depends on your DPs reaction. Was he okay with your comment or annoyed? He may have accepted he comes second and you are raking up uncomfortable thoughts as it is probably a long standing dynamic. Also depends what you said - it's not clear from the comment above whether you made it clear you are annoyed about the favouritism of DS over DP or yourself and if it was badly worded then it won't have had the impact you wanted.

Yes he appreciated I said something and this has been going on for years. I usually keep tight lipped and say nothing but because of how much he helped her when she was in hospital and how much golden girl did and still she puts her first every single time, just pushed me over the edge.

So are you saying that your DP wants to go to the funeral. But can't because DM wants her daughter to accompany her?

I'll be honest, this all sounds pretty childish. Your DP may have very good reasons for not being in contact with his sis. But surely that doesn't mean he can't go to the funeral? He doesn't have to sit with his sis. Unless you mean that he wants to go but won't sit with his mum if she has her DD with her too? And I'm not sure what his help when she was unwell has got to do with anything.

They all sound like hard work.

Yes he won't go because his mum will want to sit with his sister and he will have to sit on his own, which in itself does sound childish but it's the meaning behind it, ie she's far more important than you. I think the fact that if golden girl wasn't going then his mum would want him with her and that's what she asked originally. I'm just so sick of hearing about all this for the past 7 years and have had enough so snapped.

You quite clearly despise the sister. Perhaps your DP's mum is sick of being caught in the middle of the tension and was hoping your DP could put the hatred to one side for once and sit together as a family?

Yes i would imagine she is fed up with being piggy in the middle. I have no time for his sister, despise is a bit strong. And why would my dp want to sit with a man(her husband) who has threatened him with physical violence before. I feel a lot of amonisity in your posts which I don't really understand unless you happen to be a golden child yourself so have no idea how it feels to be less thought of than a sibling. Especially as that sibling lives nowhere near and we give up practically every Sunday to visit her.

I wish someone had done the same for me. Probably wouldn't have changed anything, but there's a small chance it would have made my mother think twice.

I'm sorry if you're feeling lots of animosity in my posts. That wasn't my intention. But maybe if I had all of this new information to hand, I would have understood the dynamic a little better.

I still think that the mum must be feeling 'can't do wrong for doing right'. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And no, I'm not the golden child in my family. My DM died when I was a tot and I was brought up by a physically and emotionally abusive SM.

Surely for the sake of both kids supporting their mum at a funeral they can just all sit together?

I'm sorry about my comment, hope you've managed to heal. It was the comment about despising my sil took me back a bit.

There's been too much water under the bridge for that to happen I'm afraid.

‘she can't even return a kindness’

It’s a funeral! Are people really this ridiculous? Your MIL has lost her sister and you and your dp are acting like children, ‘calling her out’ on who sits next to mummy!? Your dp needs to grow up and support his mum. If that means sitting near his sister then that’s what he should do. If he’s really lucky he might even get to sit in the front seat of the car on the way home

I wasn't even going to the funeral and my dp isn't going now. If calling someone out for the blatant favouritism of one child over the other after biting my tongue for years is childish, so be it. And mil didn't even like her sister, to quote what she said today "even now she's causing me problems".