To wonder if all I need is an affair?

[FedUpAnddLonely]

I come from a very strict family who condoned sex before marriage, I married DH quite young and he’s the only person I have ever been with. My siblings were not as obedient to our parents like me and had a “life” before settling down. They seem very well rounded and happy. They went on dates and had lots of relationships and lived their lives.

I, on the other hand am very unhappy and day by day I am getting more withdrawn and more depressed. I thought I could make my life just about my kids (2 primary school aged children) but I can’t. No matter how hard I try I just can’t. They adore their dad and he is very loving to them and spends a lot of money and time on them. They are never deprived of anything, they have an amazing life. They have a really good support system around them in terms of DH’s family. I have no one here and rarely see my side of the family.

DH doesn’t treat me very well, we haven’t had sex since I got pregnant with my youngest (he’s 7).

He laughs when I try to be intimate. I’ve tried talking to him and we had counselling and it came up he’s got erecrile dysfunction and when conceiving and early days of marriage he would take a pill as without it he can’t perform. He doesn’t want sex anymore and has made it clear we won’t ever be. I really miss being intimate with someone and cuddling like I see couples do on tv. Problem is I’ve never had it and I know I never will. Just to be clear I don’t want to leave and I know my kids will want to stay with DH not me if I decide to leave.

I posted a long time ago and people were saying things like “think about your kids, they will grow up thinking this is what a marriage is etc.) I stopped posting as I don’t think people realise that it’s not that black and white! Our lives will be so different if I decide to leave. We will have to move back to my hometown as I have no support and no money, kids will hate me forever as they have an amazing life here. So to be blunt - this is not about my kids. It’s about ME. How can I feel desired like I see on tv? I have no experience. I have never been on a date and I have never asked anyone out. DH doesn’t care if I was to start seeing anyone as in his words - “no man could ever like me”. I was crying a few months ago that I want to be desired and wanted and his response was I should go looking elsewhere as he doesn’t have time for me.

I just want to feel desired even if it leads to no sex just friendship with a man who thinks I’m attractive and worth talking to.

please be kind I can never talk about this to anyone in my real life for obvious reasons! So my question is how would you go about feeling wanted by someone?

I'm sorry and I know you said that you don't want to leave, but in your case, I would absolutely divorce.

What makes you think your kids would want to stay with their Dad? What makes you think it would be any better if you had an affair - if anything, that would worsen your relationship with your children!

I would fear that having a divorce would hand favourable terms to him in a divorce. Just leave.

I understand where you are coming from. I also thunk you should think about leaving him, and building a new and happy life. Your children will be fine - what they need is to see their mother valuing herself and being happy. Not, frankly, being emotionally abused by their dad.

I was adamant I couldn't leave, but in the end I did, and I am so thankful that I now have a future.

Oh, and an affair will turn into an exit affair. It will just act as a catalyst and you'll leave anyway.

@SpudleyLass because I was ready to leave with my kids. I was going to stay with my parents who live about 200 miles away whilst I sort out what needed to be done. My kids cried a d eldest said I should go and leave her with DH, mother in law who lives down the road also came and my kids told me they wa t to stay here and I can leave. My MIL said I should leave the kids with her if I was so unhappy and go back to my parents home. I didn’t want to leave my kids with her.

@Frostynight i can’t be on my own. I don’t know how to! I’m not as strong as most women are. I got married at 19. I come from a very strict Indian family. I do not have the guts to divorce and I will either stay like this and be depressed or I can start having some fun. One of my sisters actually said she lives her own life and so does her DH and kids and family obviously have no idea. She’s so happy and goes out with her friends but I don’t have the confidence to even go to a bar with my friends so how will I have the confidence to get divorced and start my life?

Have you had a conversation with your dh about having an intimate relationship with someone else? Do you and your husband do stuff as a couple without the kids? Do you work?

@Portfun24 he doesn’t care if I do. He is living a separate life from me already. We only come together for the kids sake and take them on outings etc.

You don’t need a man or an affair, you need to build your confidence and make sure you have your own money. That wanker of a husband seems to have run you into the ground. I would leave but I 💯 see how you are trying to put the needs of your kids before your own and I respect you and admire that.

Other options

Would you think of joining local walking group or a group of any kind to meet new friends, build a social life for yourself. (Also buy yourself a good vibrator)

Really push yourself making friends with school mums. People to go out with, go for a walk with.

Think of a way to make your own money.

Ah OP that sounds like a nightmare, and your so called husband sounds awful.
Do not let the bastard grind you down any further.

Eh.
I wouldn't say you need an affair, but that's from
a woman who very happily stopped having sex at 42.
I think you should try a life in which your husband
doesn't figure on a daily basis.
You have children, I see, that might make it more difficult.
Basically sort out in your head what you want/need without him being there.

This is not just a sexless marriage, it’s a heartless marriage. That age old problem for so many women- stay & be miserable but in your comfort zone….or leave & be free after being brave enough to leave comfort zone. I think you know which one is right! (And no an affair is not the answer…maybe short term fun but the resentment & toxicity of this negative marriage will still erode your soul. Do you want your soul eroded OP? Plus, he does not sound a nice person at all.

Thank you so much Everyone. I am trying to make mum friends but it’s so hard. I think I get along with them but then get blanked! I am so smiley at them as I really want to feel
a connection with someone and anyone but they blank me. Maybe they can sense I’m depressed and putting on a fake persona.

i think if I did have friends maybe I would t be so sad. He has grinder me down. He looks at me with disgust on a daily basis.

I actually forced myself to go for coffee with some of them and I was so happy, we got along so nicely but next day at pick up they were cold and distant again.

I feel for you. I was in same situation for 10years , what I did was I started looking after myself, started dieting and when the weight started pulling off,

next step was skin care routine, then gym yoga and pilatus to get form up.
my advice is looking after yourself and when you feel confident you will be happy, and will not need no man to feel complete.

Hopes that's help

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but is there any chance your husband could be gay but from a culture where it’s not accepted? Needing to have taken a pill just to be able to have sex with you in the early days sounds very strange. It reads as he’s done what he needed to do to do his duty (father children) by whatever means necessary and now that duty is done…

@Rahna1 thank you for your advice. I am trying to feel good about myself but it’s so hard as I eat my emotions away.

@Bedroomdilemmas113 i did consider this. He might be or might not be I have no idea. I can’t compare him to anyone as he’s the only man I have ever been with but I do sometimes feel something is “wrong” and not quite right.

If you can't 'be on your own' and 'don't have the guts' to contemplate divorce from a man who appears to despise you, or even to go out with your friends, I'm afraid I think you're unlikely to have the savvy to handle an affair intelligently, or to choose an appropriate person to have one with. (I have absolutely seen affairs work to sustain a marriage with someone who can't or won't have sex (with the explicit consent of the spouse), but ironically, they tend to need strong communication, boundaries etc with the spouse.)

I would also worry that your husband would not be as fine with an affair as you appear to think, and that this, combined with your 'strict' family, might actually endanger you.

@NeutralIsland i know title says that but I don’t actually want an affair! I just want to feel connected or close to someone I realise that now after a few posts in, even if it’s just female friends, I just want to feel connected.

If you are sure about not leaving I would make a plan. If your youngest is 7 you have 10 years or so until they will be starting to make their own life. If you are shy, have low self esteem, struggle to make friends then finding someone to have an affair with will be very difficult (and not a good idea in case your husband finds out and throws you out or becomes more abusive).

Work on building friendships and your self esteem. Find out who you are. Some friendships won’t work out - that’s ok. Just keep trying - you’ll find the people for you. It’ll just take time. Don’t stop at the first hurdle. The more people you meet, the more you’ll figure out what you need from friendships and the you can start to make choices.
if you don’t work get a part time job, or train for a future career then when you are able to leave you’ll be ready.
get some counselling or someone to talk to. Try new hobbies or go to the gym.
Good luck op. Your husband sounds awful. Don’t let him grind you down. Stop asking for his opinion about You - you don’t need it from him and he will never say what you want/need to hear. As you build your confidence he will try harder to knock you down so do not let him.

even if I was to have an affair I very much doubt my husband would notice or even care. He takes no interest in my life. I have no idea how I would have one tbh as I literally get any time to myself!

You could try to secure an agreement from him where you can see other men. However, this is not a solution. You'd still have to live with the prick. Getting ego boots from other people might make it a bit more bearable in the short term, but long term you are screwed if you stay with this man. Affairs don't compensate for a miserable marriage and they are unethical. What if you fell for the man? Then you would probably end up leaving your husband for him anyway, and under much worse circumstances which could cause your children to resent you. Do you want them to respect you? If so, be ethical. Do what you have to do to start supporting yourself. Finish your education, for example. Take job training. Don't use a lazy, cowardly and risky way of coping with unhappiness. Change your life instead. Yes, it will be difficult, but so worth it.

Of course your children wouldn't want to move far away from their family home. You need to learn how to be independent and then make it happen rather than jumping from there to your families place.

Do you and your DH own your house? I'm just wondering if 50% of the equity would be enough for you to use to buy your own place.

You will have to learn. Start to build up your confidence by working on yourself. Take classes, get fit, read and learn about self confidence and living single. Don't let fear destroy your happiness. You are not 19 now. You are a fully formed adult who should be capable of making sensible choices. Your sister's choices are her own. You do not have to go down the same road she did. Your husband is cruel to you, so you will never be happy with him, no matter what you do.

Humans are social animals. Positive physical interaction with another human being can be really beneficial. It doesn't need to be sexual or romantic touch though. Infidelity is complicated you don't want to go there, it it all went wrong you have so much to lose. Address that need for soothing physical contact while you figure out how to build the strength and resilience to enable you to leave, how about booking a massage or taking a course to learn massage (you practice on other students) or going to a sensual touch workshop?

I am sorry to read this and I totally understand your concern as I got married really young and Indian too. Strict parents and wasn't allowed to live my life when I was young. You need to enjoy your life and you husband don't seem that bothered. Be kind to yourself xxx

Ah Op that’s awful. Can I suggest specific play dates or meet up with parents of your kids friends. Please do try a course or a group to try and meet new people. Can I also suggest you try an app called insight timer. They have lots of free meditation on there to try and improve your MH and self worth. Try ever day to take care of yourself. message me if you ever need to chat. Big hugs op and stay strong as you are an awesome being and your children are lucky to have you.🥰

Thank you all. Will try the apps suggested for meditation x