Internalised presentation on autism in males

[WoodCabinByTheLake]

NC for this. This is about 17 yo DS, he'll be 18 in August.
After a lifetime of believing he was just a gentle and introverted shy kid, it has become glaringly obvious that my DS is autistic. He has now reached a state of burnout, and I am deeply concerned about his mental health.

I am struggling with the fact that I did not recognise this sooner, as it seems so obvious now, leaving my DS to struggle with the pressures of school, social life, and even our own family expectations. But this thread is not about my guilt.

What I am asking for is recommendations for resources specifically about the internal presentation of autism in young males. I am finding a lot on females, why it gets missed, the internalised anxiety, the masking, etc, but I'd like to read something specific about this very presentation on males.

We're thinking of taking the information to the GP and ask for a referral for assessment. I guess this will be for adult services now as he's nearly 18. I don't know what the future holds as right now he can barely manage anything, and has another year of school to get his A levels where his predicted grades are all As!!

Is the referral so you can get him help with his mental health? If you have the resources, look for a therapist who specialises in autism now, ahead of diagnosis. Diagnosis can take time and it sounds like your son needs help sooner rather than later.

If it makes you feel any better, I took my DS to the docs when he was 6/7 and was told as he's high functioning, just crack on, live with his quirks and get him in a role like computing.

I'm keeping an eye on him, but have seen as he's reached teen years, he's not social and has a tiny group of friends. He seems happy though.

Only telling you, as even if you had noticed, unless he was a severe case, it's likely you'd not have had support earlier.

Thanks @Nappyvalley15. It's thanks to his amazing counsellor that this has been brought to our attention, but she also doesn't have anything specific that relates to males with his specific presentation that DS can read.
@Notsuchafattynow, thanks, I agree I don't think there would have been a lot of support anyway, but I feel that we could have requested some accommodations from school which would have definitely helped, and also his dad and I would have pushed him less to socialise, call people, go out, engage in sports, and try to get him out of his room when he was drained from his day.

Autism affects the way a person perceives the world and interacts with others.

In an 18 year old undiagnosed male you might have experienced the following:

1. Trouble with friendship groups / loneliness / an internalised feeling of being an outsider / bullying / othering.

1. Intense interests in obscure things. Hyper focus on certain TV shows / movie franchises / game franchises.

1. No interest in and difficulty playing sports / especially team sports where you have to intuitively know and consider where others are in play on the field, what they might do next, and work with them.

1. A strong preference for one on one time with others rather than a desire for big group dynamics. But still having a need for human connection even if on his own restricted terms.

Short answer on what to do: stop trying to smash the square peg into the round hole and let him be himself without judgment or shame. Support his choices, even if they are not what you think of as "normal" or that his peers might think of as cool. Stop worrying about what others think, or how you believe a typical 18 year old should behave.

The risk otherwise is shame, anger, alienation and low self-esteem.

On the burnout point, it's because he's throwing himself in to the non-autistic fray time and again trying to conform. He needs a safe space at home to recover from that.

He may also benefit from time with a psychologist specialising in support for young people, as would you, to better understand himself, his needs, and how he can achieve his goals.

It doesn't have to be a life with limits. Autism is not abnormal. He is normal. He is not even really different - as there are lots of people like him.

The world needs people like your son, because they are often the ones who get things done and press us forwards as a society (google the achievements of ND people and marvel at the names on the list).

But you have to understand that his problem is not his autism that cannot be cured. It's anxiety. It's stress. And these things can be managed. You just have to change your mindset and learn what causes anxiety for him, and find ways to mitigate.

Your question is about resources. Look at the website for the National Autistic Society for starters.

@mybeesarealive Your post is lovely. I've come to realize that my son is likely autistic and sounds like the OPs son above (quirky, geeky, shy, also can be rigid in his beliefs etc). He is coping (currently Year 4). I've asked various experts what to do and most look uncomfortable. To me it isn't a bad thing but explains all the BEST things about him - really kind, hard working, reliable.

Do you have any thoughts on getting a diagnosis for a 'coping' child @mybeesarealive ?

@Luckyway don't rely on CAMHS. I have a very low opinion of NHS provision for children with autism, ADHD and other issues around MH or attachment. Born of bad experience unfortunately. I won't get into the politics (as it upsets me too much). So, you must get a private assessment. But you have to be very careful who you appoint, because the market place is riddled with quick buck chancers making a profit out of the national crisis around diagnosis and provision. If you are in the Midlands, I recommend Enhancing Futures in Rugby led by Dr Claire Leonard.

It's not the diagnosis of autism that helps that much, it's the diagnostic profiling of the child's unique needs, which can then feed into strategies and even support EHCP applications where they are necessary. The secondary consequence is that you as a parent also have a better understanding of the child and helps to reframe the point I made earlier.

That is, you come to it thinking that autism is the issue. It isn't. And it's non curable. It's the anxiety and stress of navigating the non-autistic world that leads to MH issues.

My reflections on the OPs son are in truth a reflection on what I experienced in youth (I am now a 43 year old father of three). My knowledge (for what it is) is a combination of that experience and parenting my middle son, now nearly 8, whose autism and ADHD behaviours are more obvious and diagnosable than my own were.

I can't abide it when people tell him off or laugh at him for being himself (eg self-soothing in public with stimming actions like burbling, humming and making animalistic noises). And having low filter myself, I end up telling them to wind it in!!!

I now appreciate, you see, that most of the social offence that autistic people cause is down to etiquette only. Sod that. If my son's noises upset your repose in McDonald's; you can find somewhere else to sit. Likewise, I'm not going to shush him unless he is becoming dysregulated and needs external stability. My own parents were good, but without the awareness I had, they made the mistake of wanting me to be like everyone else. It was like a ball of pressure on me every day. I could get close to delivering, but not to changing permanently. My approach with my son is the opposite. He knows he is autistic. We haven't discussed whether it's a gift or a disability or both. But I do not attempt to press it out of him.

It's harder for his mum TBH as she is more locked into an internalised idea that you must conform to certain expectations. But perhaps I'm now oversharing 😂

Look up Prof. Tony Attwood, he is a world renowned expert on autism and he didn't realise his son was autistic for 30 years so give yourself a break.

Glad to hear he already has mental health support. If you can afford to get him assessed privately, do so. Regardless of presentation, knowing if he is autistic is important. It will also mean you can get support and accommodations in place for A level exams and Uni or whatever he does after his A levels.

Sorry I have no recommendations on what to read. So many people miss their kid's autism so don't beat yourself up