DH & tricky relationship with parents

[GoldieLocks09]

My Dad and his partner moved away 2 years ago, previously really good relationship, used to look after DS1 one day a week for us when he was a baby/toddler. They came into a little bit of inheritance money and wanted to own a home outright (longterm renters, had previously both owned homes with ex partners, but didn't have the money to do it again) especially as they're both within 5 years or so from retirement. We live in the South East and there was no chance of them owning a home down here mortgage free and after a few months of searching got a little impatient and ended up purchasing a property 3.5 hours away because they couldn't find anything closer apparently.

Since then the relationship has been tricky, I've had another baby which they've only met 3 times (he's 8 months), DS1 doesn't really remember them and hates speaking to them on FaceTime (he's 4), and it's just a little difficult to stay in contact regularly. They often say how much they miss us via text or brief call but seem to be enjoying their life up there.

DH really blames them and says that they jumped into it, they've made their bed, they clearly don't want a relationship with DC's. They were back down south for a wedding tomorrow and we went for lunch today, then they came back to ours for an hour before going off to meet a few friends that they never see, he was really p*ssed off that they hadn't scheduled more time with us and DC's and that a nice pub is a terrible place for us to take 2 kids... He was even more annoyed that I offered to drive them to where they were meeting friends so my Dad could have a drink and I stayed for one with them and their friends who I've known since I was a kid. I was back in time for bedtime for DC's and was probably only gone just over an hour. I said I wanted to spend a little more time with them if I could but the car wouldn't fit all of us.

AIBU for being upset with him for constantly putting a downer on the relationship with them, or is he right, should I expect more of them? We have a great relationship with both my mum/stepdad as well as both his parents and see them regularly but they all live within 45 minutes of us just FYI.

Highly unusual that your DH has such strong opinions (and is being such a rude prick) about your dad and his partners life choices.

Why is he so annoyed and angry about it?

How do you feel about it?

So your dad previously looked after your ds regularly. So free childcare so that you can both work? Is it this that your DH is actually pissed off with - the loss of free childcare?

Nothing unusual about a 4 year old not liking FaceTime or seeing a baby 3 times in 8 months. I can see you're in the process of working out how best to see them after their move, but to blame them for moving seems unreasonable. It's a couple of hours drive, not Australia!

Your DH sounds like a whiny prick, why is he so bothered about your relationship with your DF? And how dare he 'expect more' of your family? .

I don't comment on my DH's family relationships and he doesn't comment on mine - I am sure (privately) that we both have views on each other families but after a long marriage neither of us make derogatory comments and, whilst we don't spend lots of time with each other's families, we are polite and courteous when we do meet.

I generally feel a bit sad that I went from seeing my Dad regularly to now only a few times a year, I also think they rushed into the move (originally was looking at 1.5/2hrs away but house prices were soaring at the time, if they'd have sat tight for a bit longer they'd have likely got somewhere where they were looking originally) but think that they did what they thought was best for them, and I was supportive of it. My Dad isn't great with texting, and I often feel like I send 'random' photos of DC's or messages that don't get a lot of response, just to stay in contact.

I don't think DH cares about the childcare, they asked to have him when we were planning full time nursery and said it would be nice for him to have a day in the middle with them which we consistently checked with them worked for them, and we could at any point change if it felt more like a chore which they always were insistent it wasn't. As soon as they said they were moving we got his name down straight away and there wasn't much of a conversation about it as it wasn't an issue.

They can live where they want. Loads of people don't live close to family for various reasons.

Since then the relationship has been tricky, I've had another baby which they've only met 3 times (he's 8 months)

Do they come to you, or always/mostly expect you to go to them?

I'm wondering if he feels that as they moved they shouldn't be complaining that they don't see as much of DCs.

My parents are 5 hours away, what do you expect them to do? Be down every month? Carry on renting locally? Sounds like your Dh was taking them for granted and now blames them for wanting a secure home. He is BU.

When they first moved we went to them once every couple of months, they didn't drive to us at all. I last travelled there when I was 5 months pregnant and struggled with the drive (mainly due to needing toilet breaks for both me and 3yr old at the time). We haven't been back since, and they've come to us the last 3 times, once when DS2 was first born which I admittedly begged my Dad to do as he kept saying he wasn't sure when he would come and I got really upset that he wouldn't see him so little ever again... Stark comparison to DS1 who he visited in the hospital 3 hours after he was born and was one of the first to visit when we got home. The second at Christmas when we saw them for 2 hours on Boxing Day morning as their plans changed - originally was going to have them over Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning but then said they wouldn't travel down until Christmas Day and we already had plans for the afternoon as well as Boxing Day with other family (all parents remarried + brothers/sisters who we're close to), and then again, today.

I agree that he thinks they shouldn't be complaining as they've moved. They often make comments that DC's will love going to them as they're near a seafront now however his point is that they don't have much of a relationship with DC's so they wouldn't be hugely comfortable being sent there or us going to visit once in the summer.

Imo good on your df for choosing a life of his own over one pleasing other people.. You and dh chose to have 2 dc. Is dh pissed off the free childcare is no more?

No, we appreciated the help but it's not something we needed. They requested to look after DS1 when we'd initially looked into him being in nursery full time. The money was never an issue for us, and wasn't when they moved and we added him in for an extra day. We didn't even discuss them looking after him, money, etc. the only mention was that he'll miss seeing them every week.