To hate the way I look

[TheFairCat]

This has been a problem for much of my life on and off…

Ive always had a problem with having my photo taken (bordering on a phobia) and inadvertently seeing photos of myself can make me very unhappy for hours or even days. This is particularly sad since I have young children (6 and 8) and have very, very few photos of us together.

Things have got a lot worse since I hit perimenopause and gained a significant amount of weight. I’ve always struggled with my weight but just about managed to stay in the healthy range with a fairly restricted diet (I have to eat around 1200 calories a day to maintain). It has been previously suggested I might have an eating disorder as people seem to fail to understand that eating that many calories is the ONLY way I can maintain a healthy weight.

Both my children have additional needs and life is tiring and stressful. I just haven’t had the time, energy or headspace to maintain the strict control of my diet that I used to. I don’t eat particularly unhealthily or in large quantities (never have takeaway etc) but nonetheless over the last 5 years I have gained around 3 stone, taking me into the obese range.

I also looked knackered - because I am.

What is hardest is that I always seem to be frowning and the face my face has changed as I’ve got older makes me look really hard faced and grim.

I have a professional career and need to dress/look vaguely ‘smart’ for work. I have an expensive haircut, wear make up, but as flattering clothes as I can. It makes no difference to how I feel. I HATE the way I look, really hate it. It makes me really sad. I manage my feelings by just avoiding looking in the mirrror as much as possible, never being in photos and sort of disassociating’ myself from how I look. As a result I can get by without thinking about it very much but this feels really unhealthy.

I am trying to lose weight, but it is going to be a very hard slog indeed. I am 47, but already slow metabolism is now glacial and even sticking to 1000-1200 calories a day I’m only losing half a pound every couple of weeks and I am miserable.

Does anyone else feel like this, or have you overcome it somehow?

Restrict every second day. You'll get the same result doing 1200/1500 alternatively.
I'm 54. Been through these struggles!

Solidarity here. I'm finding it so hard to lose weight and then when I don't I console myself with sweet stuff!
Also hate my face and my hair. Hate photos of myself. It's hard.
Was my daughters year 11 prom last night, I thought for a change I would have a photo with her but I looked like the monster from the goonies. She looked beautiful 😍

We are always our own worst critics, unfortunately

Four things that have helped me =

(1) a friend commented that a few people are really (un)fortunate with their looks, but the vast majority are quite ordinary / in the middle. I'm happy to blend in and be ordinary

(2) as I get older, I'm increasingly grateful to keep good health, financially secure, positive relationships, and honestly, looks feel far less important now

(3) did you know that what you see in the mirror is the reverse of what a photo looks like? So, unless you have a totally symmetrical face (v unlikely), photos 'jar' because they don't look like what we see in the mirror

(4) focus on what you do like about your appearance eg i know my hair isn't great, but I have fantastic ankles

I feel for you, as I am the same, I dont like the way I look and I have been avoiding pictures well basically my entire life. I've struggled with my weight since my early teens and at the moment I'm very obese. I remember fighting with family and friends and significant others about taking my pictures and hating the way I look in them.

A couple of years ago I decided to change the narrative rather than myself. I'm sick and tired of losing all the weight (and then gaining it all back and then some) but also about keeping my life on hold until I lose weight. I deleted all social media accounts of models/actresses/fit people and started to actively follow body positive women. Women who are my size but when I look at their pictures etc I'm not going "ewww look how fat they are" but think "wow they're beautiful" or "I love that dress". I also started having my photo taken in my holidays last year and plan to continue doing it this year as well. I've followed a few accounts that suggested poses etc but the main switch was looking at photos from the past. I look at photos from the past (which at the time I hated) and I think "look how young/slim/happy I look" and love seeing them, so I figured in 10 years from now I'll be looking at these pictures thinking the same (and wishing I still looked like that even though at the moment I hate the way I look).

Be kind to yourself, as previous posters said focus on the things you do like about your physical appearance despite how trivial/insignificant they might seem to you (for example you may have really soft skin, no blemishes where other people can only dream of this or you may have really nice straight teeth, when other people pay a fortune to have that etc) and keep reminding yourself your body is only the vessel for your soul/personality and it's the least important/interesting thing about you!

OP I feel exactly the same. I’m early fifties and I look so tired and I’ve really gained weight but I don’t have the enthusiasm to do anything about it. I’d love to get Botox but that went really wrong the last couple of times I’ve had it. finding it all really overwhelming.