AIBU to ask about young relationships

[way2serious]

can anyone explain how relationships work for young people. My DS (24 yo) has started seeing a young woman. They’ve been out a few times and he has stayed at her flat twice now. He said to me last night “I think I am going to ask her to be my girlfriend.” So in my day just going out a couple of times meant that you were boyfriend/ girlfriend and in a relationship you didn’t ask someone or if you did it was at the beginning before you went out on a date. So how does it work these days?

I don't know about younger people but in the 90s where I grew up it was similar. You could be seeing someone casually but weren't exclusive and faithful until you decided to be boyfriend / girlfriend. It's like the first commitment. I'd say more so these days because status on social media gets changed.

Well I am old enough to be your DS's mum and when I started dating people I could have been seeing multiple people concurrently until 'confirming' we were going out exclusively so this seems pretty classic to me.

I didn't realise some couples actually have to confirm they are bf/gf.

Seems so odd.

Your son is in the situationship stage. There are a couple of stages before you get there. Starting with getting their Snapchat and beginning to snap each other, then actually ringing and speaking to each other, then video calling, then actually meeting up face to face. After a few meetings you are in the situationship. Next step is actually asking them to be your girlfriend/ boyfriend. If they accept you are then in a relationship. Had this explained to me by my 21 year old DD yesterday. I felt so old

They will be dating and having sex I think its normal to not be bf/gf until they decide to be exclusive.

I agree
Met my dh in 1997 and from the first date we were a couple. There was no discussion about us being in a relationship together as it was obvious we were.

How bizarre to have a bf/gs (however loosely) but to be seeing other people too simultaneously.

Same..met DH in 1992 and from the first date we were bf and gf, that was just assumed. Dd spent a whole summer with her now bf hanging out here - they were so obviously a couple in every way. Then in September she came home bouncing with excitement and said they'd decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I was left wondering what they'd been up until that point!

Just needs a quick conversation to clear it up. The lad if he is young and full of bravado might not want to initiate it.

I had a similar conversation with my adult DD and her now boyfriend’s mum. They were behaving as a couple for a couple of months but we weren’t allowed to refer to them as each others boyfriend/girlfriend until he took her to a fancy restaurant and asked her to be his girlfriend. It was like a proposal 🤣 We all found it hilarious and realised we don’t need to understand, we just need to be there for them to talk to. DH and I considered ourselves together after our first date, that worked for us. My niece who is a similar age to my daughter often told me that he needs to officially ask, it’s just how it’s done. Don’t worry about their labels OP, just treat them as feels natural.

I met DH on Tinder and for the first three dates I was still actively using and chatting to other people on the app. Going for a drink or staying over doesn’t equal a relationship.

Stirring porridge is not a sustainable arrangement. A quick chat can resolve that.

Even in 2024 I think it depends on the situation. 'Dating' around vs just meeting someone.
When I was using dating apps close to a decade ago I'd be dating multiple people.
However, when I met my husband neither of us were on using the apps, so it was very clear cut when we continued seeing each other after a few weeks.

Nothing to lose by having the conversation.

I find this American "dating" system odd. Why spend time money and effort on a relationship that's not even a relationship? It's like the worst sort of "pick me"dance.

In my day (80's) you'd fancy each other, then followed by the classic line " do you want to go out with me". You would then be exclusive until about 3 weeks later when you would dump or be dumped for someone else. But at least you knew where you stood.

I don’t think it’s that odd: tbh I think going on a couple of dates and presuming you are a couple is weirder. That assumes that going on a date with someone means you’re automatically in a relationship with them.

I actually think kids these days have it right. There’s all sorts of ways to interact with someone and assuming you are in a relationship just because you have dated seems to be prime conditions for presumptuous and controlling behaviour.

I'm old enough to be your Ds's Dad and when I met DP at 24 we were both seeing multiple people. After about a month with a few dates, and a couple of nights together we had a conversation, decided to stop seeing other people and become a couple.

This was before the days of Tinder etc, but I don't think things have changed that much in the last 20 years.

I don't think I've ever agreed to be "a couple" with someone without first finding out whether we were sexually compatible

I really cannot see why people are confused or think this a new thing.

You don't assume someone is your bf/gf. It could just be sex, so yes, you make it clear that you like-like them and want to go out with them!

The confusion for heys that it's called "dating" at all. I agree it could just be a sex thing. That's not dating though. It's why it's called a one night stand or friends with benefits depending on the relationship.
Dating to me means doing things as a couple because you want to be with the other person.I would find it really confusing if they were also taking a couple of other girl's out for meals as well as me.

For me/us, we were getting to know each other with no stringso while we were dating.

We were only an exclusive couple once we had ‘the conversation’ 20 years ago.

A kinda try before you buy I guess, and I don’t really mean sex.