To still be affected by this 30 years on...? [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns child abuse]

[FiguringLifeOutOneFuckUpAtATime]

First time posting, long time lurker here.
TW: historical child SA detail.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting from this to be honest, I just need it out of my head a bit. For context, I had a mental breakdown 2 months ago (slowly improving now) so things are still a bit messy in my head and I don't have many people to talk to openly.

When I was 9 (early 90's) my parents allowed me to take my younger brother (7) swimming alone to the local swimming baths. We were fairly sensible kids. We swam, all good, then went to get changed. All the girls changing rooms were in use, so I walked around a bit to wait for an available one.

An older man (using one of the family rooms by himself) noticed me & "kindly" offered the use of that room while he went to shower. He returned a minute later, I had already removed my costume & was in my towel. I was uncomfortable & wanted to get done & out quickly. He started saying that he often needed to help his granddaughters get dried off properly, and offered to help me. I was a shy, quiet kid & I just... froze. He started drying me, paying particular attention between my legs ("they always miss this bit"). He then removed his own towel & touched himself while also touching me. Got me sit down while he positioned himself in front of me, telling me "it wouldn't hurt... it was usually a grown up thing that feels good... but I was special...". I didn't understand what was happening, still frozen, but just as he tried to penetrate me I suddenly got so scared & quietly said "no". I know now I was fortunate to in such a public place, surrounded by other people. He didn't push it, took his stuff & left the changing room. I was shaking & so confused.

I never told anyone about it (until many years later) & tried to push down the memory. I was afraid I'd messed up, I was responsible for my younger brother, but hadn't even been able to look after myself. I blamed myself, it was my fault. I had let myself down, my parents would be disappointed in me. I felt guilty for not having said anything at the time, what if that "man" had done similar things to his granddaughters (if they even existed).

It affected me subconsciously for a long time. I developed an eating disorder in my teens, diagnosed with depression/anxiety at 15, nearly dropped out of school. I started drinking & getting into messy/abusive situations & relationships at 16. I was raped, while drunk, by a "friend" twice my age when I was 16, again I didn't tell anyone at the time. I had counselling on & off all through til my early 20's, but I never talked about what happened. As a teen I was concerned it might get disclosed to my mom. She didn't deal with stress well & I wanted to protect her from that, even when I was 9.

Fast forward to now... I'm almost 40, I'm a single mom to 2 young children. I lost my mom nearly 2 years ago. It plays on my mind that I never told her. I never explained to her why I struggled so much through my teens, never even gave her the chance to support me through it.
I have a 6yo daughter, I would be horrified to know that she experienced something & couldn't tell me. I still carry so much guilt. I am very aware of the importance of teaching both my children about healthy boundaries & keeping themselves safe. I don't remember being explicitly given this information when I was younger.

I know other people have gone through so much worse and manage to build a happy life despite it all. I feel stuck.

AIBU to still let what happened to me 30 years ago live rent-free in my head? Or should I be "over it" by now?

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to still be affected by this! I think you should speak to your GP if you can and try some counselling to help you with your (understandably) complex emotions around this. Please do not feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and that hideous predator takes all the blame. Look after yourself

Im so sorry that happened to you. Trauma stays with you until it is processed. So no, you are not unreasonable to still be impacted greatly by it. But to move past it you do need to address it. The Body Keeps Score (book) is a good place to start to learn about how we store traumatic experiences, and the different ways to process trauma. Its often a very physical process, for some people movement helps, for some people things like EMDR therapy. Try different things, but you must prioritise your healing in your life if you want to move on from your trauma.

God I'm so sorry to hear about your experience that's awful

I absolutely think you need therapy to process this. You can't just process it on your own.

Thank you. I was referred for counselling when I had a breakdown recently. I had my antidepressants changed and currently waiting for CBT. I guess it just feels like it's part of me now, and will be so hard to unpick those memories, thoughts & feelings. But I'm tired of feeling like I have this secret part of me, that still impacts my life.

You poor thing. You need help to understand you are completely and utterly blameless and what that despicable creature did was solely and wholly and completely his fault and responsibility. I am so sorry this happened to you and so angry on your behalf. I am sorry too that you were brought up in the type of household where nobody noticed you were upset when you came home, I know you tried to hide it but you were 9 and I would know if something was bothering my DS. My parents wouldn't have though, and like you I did everything in my power to not stress them out or worry them further. Shite parents wrapped up in themselves and not putting their kids first including dealing with mental health issues and so on. Parents have a responsibility to look after their children. So find your anger and then when you've worked through that you can forgive. But you can't skip the anger part. You are allowed be angry.

Proper counselling OP. You need it.

@SuperGreens thank you for that book recommendation, I will check it out. It's only really been since having my daughter (and then losing my mom) that I've recognised that what happened would be considered trauma, and that it's been affecting me more & more. I really wish I could have made better use of the counselling services I had access to in my teens 😔

Oh OP, don't blame yourself for not taking advantage of counselling in your teens. None of this is your fault. You were carrying so much as a child and understandably worried about the impact on your mum (having to worry about her in that way is it's own minor trauma as you probably already know). The counselling may not have helped anyway. Trauma has to be addressed in specific ways in therapy. Hopefully (presumably) your CBT therapist is well- versed in trauma focused CBT and can help you 'relive' and update the memory.

@Apileofballyhoo thank you. I have had some feelings of anger towards my parents, my mom especially, though I feel guilty for that too. I've spent the past couple of years since losing her, picking apart my childhood, trying to figure out what I could learn to do differently for my own children. But I am prone to overthinking, and in part is probably what contributed to my breakdown a couple of months ago. My parents loved us very much, but as a family we struggled with open, honest communication & emotions. I need to make sure I try to do things differently for my own children.

Can you afford some therapy - it was a horrible thing to happen to you, and hard/impossible to deal with alone. The GP should be able to refer you somewhere. xx

I'm so sorry that happened to you 💐 would it make you feel better if tried to view counselling as a brain dump/opportunity to just offload it? It's not a burden you should be bearing alone.

@DanielGault thank you. I think it might help. I did bring it up, though not in so much detail when I started counselling after suffering PND with my first child 8 years ago. And it helped to speak about it briefly, however the counselling service was cut short (thanks to funding cuts to children's centres/family support) before I had any chance of working through anything. I couldn't afford private at the time so I just tried to cope the best I could on antidepressants. I need to work through it all properly.

I am just so sad all of that happened to you and I'm so proud of you for coming through all you've come through. You are a remarkable, strong, selfless person. You just need to find a space to work through the anger and grief.

This.

Bless you.

You were attacked by an adult. He bears all the blame for this.

I just want to acknowledge how tough it must have been for you to tell your story in detail here. No, you’re not unreasonable to be so affected by this. It’s like a hidden wound festering in secret that needs to be exposed before it can begin to heal.

Firstly, you were a little girl. As an adult now, I am certain if a nine year old girl confided in you that an adult man tried to touch her with his horrible willy, and she had been scared, and confused and guilty, you would reassure her that he was a very, very bad man and that she had done nothing wrong at all. That no adult should ever, ever touch a child’s private parts and that he had manipulated her…. Please try and talk to your inner child lovingly and reassuringly and remind yourself that if you had told your mum in her later years it would only have caused pain and guilt.

I am a survivor of childhood SA. I can highly recommend EMDR therapy. It’s hard to find, but so very effective. Kids tend to develop C-PTSD because they are unable to process trauma in the same way as adults. They internalize it and it becomes tangled up and confused. Hence the term “Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome”. EMDR is very good at desensitizing specific triggers and responses and also unraveling parts of your history that you’ve buried to protect yourself in a very safe way. Unlike talking therapy, you don’t need to relive it for months or years, you go through it in one session and “deprogram” yourself when you’re ready to face it and move on.

I'm so sorry that you went through this and I'm so thankful you shared your story so you can get the support you need. I'm glad others have already said this: that the pre-mediated predator was entirely to blame. I can't even imagine the courage and strength it would have taken as a 9 year old in a freeze state to say enough that he packed his things and left. What a despicable human he was. And what an amazing person you are. I definitely recommend EMDR for any trauma. It will go some way to help you process what happened, feel the emotions that you need to feel, and find a way to the other side.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I second PPs that EMDR therapy would really benefit you, having held that awful memory inside for so long.

@Fraaahnces I eventually figured out that it would not be helpful to tell my mom, I know I would have then rested the guilt onto her and it would have been detrimental to her health (she suffered heart failure for the last 2-3 years of her life).
Thank you so much for the information regarding EMDR, I haven't heard of this before. I am currently waiting for CBT due to my more recent mental health struggles (anxiety, depression & disordered eating). But I will look into the accessibility and cost of EMDR in my area.
I'm so sorry that you had your own SA experiences as a child 😔 it's unbelievably wrong that it happens to so many children, yet so many monsters effectively get away with it, while the child has to live with the fall out.

This is the type of trauma I can help with. Unfortunately I'm heading out now but please have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis and my various posts on trauma. You CAN stop this and quickly.

The cost of EMDR can be a bit higher but you only need a few sessions. You'll feel extraordinarily different after a few so it's often much more cost effective than longer term therapies, plus in my experience, more effective and less effort.

All of the issues you have discussed are common symptoms of childhood SA. It’s all about controlling your world. (Unfortunately it’s not really making you safe is it?) Please don’t dismiss cbt, but also try and find an EMDR therapist if you can. (CBT will be beneficial for the ED especially. I’ve been on that journey also.) Wishing you all the best with it all. When you reframe your “programming” please remind yourself that every change you make is a luxury - every choice you make is a luxury. (Also remind yourself that it is a choice and that you are saving your own life. What an hero!!! - this is said in a totally genuine tone of voice, btw!)