Being ignored at work - why?

[WhydoIcaresomuch]

This is just by one person - we work closely together and used to be good friends, but since last year she has cold shouldered me. I’ve asked why and have I done something wrong, but was told no. By ‘cold shouldered’ I mean quite literally ignored: emails ignored; ignored in the staffroom; ignored in shared places… It’s like I don’t exist. If another colleague involves me in the conversation, she won’t make eye contact with me at all. She has been going out her way to be very nice to everyone else - which seems pointed but I tell myself I’m being paranoid. Thing is, I do trust my gut.

Background is I’m fairly senior but not senior leadership (more middle management) and have a good relationship with colleagues - no drama, no fall outs, and I do my job quietly and well. I’m liked by SLT but know my place in the heirarchy.

AIBU to worry this is the start of attempted bullying? She has taken responsibilities off me recently (she isn’t my senior but politics are funny and I’ve tried to be jovial and get on with things) and I’m convinced it’s the start of trying to paint a narrative of me being lazy (I’m not - my record is v good) as she has done this to a colleague prior (a junior), and spread rumours that a colleague who has since left was lazy & incompetent (they weren’t - I worked with them and looked up a lot to them, but they didn’t like this colleague and were very senior, recommending that she didn’t get a promotion).

How do I deal with this quietly and cleverly with no drama and without tainting my record?!

I would got to your line manager and ask for clarification on your responsibilities (that colleague is taking over) if they aren't already written down. I wouldn't criticise the colleague but I'd say 'There seems a bit of confusion, I thought x was my responsibly and my task but it appears colleague thinks she is responsible for x?' I would never tackle it with colleague because she obviously has a problem with you. Just keep things factual. Everytime she tries to undermine you, send an email to your LM copying in colleague for clarification. Do it under a guise of not wanting to waste resources or duplicate work.

This is good advice. I have logged it with my line manager but only as ‘I don’t want to do anything about this at the moment but I need to make you aware’ and we have a good relationship so I’m happy they won’t pass it up the line yet. Problem is this colleague is friends with all these people, and did such a good job at making out the junior colleague was incompetent that no one really believes they aren’t. There is also nothing I can really use as evidence; she has complete plausible deniability. Equally, she has nothing at all to really cause trouble for me with, but it’s the behaviour in itself that is really getting me down, not so much any potential she has for doing anything to me if that makes sense?

But if she isn't responding to emails about work, isn't this a work problem, and evidence of something going on that you can use as a hook to hang an approach to your line manager on?

It isn’t really a work problem because she isn’t ignoring tasks etc. It’s more a passive aggressive tactic

But if she isn’t responding to emails is she impeding your work? If so you need a plan for dealing with that

No because things are done, I’m just ignored 😂 It’s not really about her not doing her job properly, it’s more the atmosphere

This sounds like workplace bullying. In my workplace I would go to HR and express my concerns, especially if they affect a junior colleague. You are also being bullied by observing someone else being bullied.

Can you copy in someone else when you e-mail her to be able to prove that the e-mail was unanswered or make it harder for her to ignore?

I thought about this. OP didn’t quite answer my question about whether the ignored emails impede her own work but I think she essentially said No.

If the ignored emails do impede OP’s work your idea has good points. OP would need to let her cc’ed person in on the problem, because chances are that this bully will respond promptly when a third party is privy to the email.

If OP’s work is not impeded, bringing in a third party is a bit child like. It is understandable to need support and no one could fault it. But it will be remembered and seen as a sign of weakness or an attempt to score points unnecessarily (because work is not being affected). In OP’s shoes I would try to ignore it and I would cultivate new networks, going around this woman as much as possible.

To clarify: her ignoring my emails are more a lack of courtesy than impeding my work. As an example I might send an email to her and others (or just her) where a reply is not necessary, or a reply would be preferable but I don’t need one in order to complete the task. In our job, emails are usually responded to with a ‘thanks’ for receipt / manners purposes if that makes sense? More junior staff tend not to reply as they’re less used to clearing their emails effectively, and more senior staff will usually reply to clarify receipt or express thanks for the task completed etc.

Emails are simply one example. Another is her taking tasks away from me that have historically been my responsibility. She would reason that this is because she ‘likes to be prepared’ but the reality is these tasks are ready in advance when I do them, so it is more a statement of ‘you don’t do them to my standards’ from her. I would accept this if I were junior to her or less experienced - or if she had asked / explained.

@poetryandwine I like your suggestion of going around this woman. I will try to do this more

It’s 100 per cent bullying in the workplace. The passive aggressive silent treatment. This creates an unpleasant working environment for everyone. The talking to others and ignoring you is ghosting you in person. Trust me I’ve lived it. I left the place of work but I have no doubts the individual who behaved in this way is still there creating the awkward atmosphere for others. This was public sector so never dealt with as the managers were just glad it wasn’t them being harassed, intimidated and picked on by stonewalling.

@Cattery these are my thoughts too. I’m pretty tough and actually applying for other jobs at the moment (more senior position), but it’s hard to live with day to day. It’s difficult because you have no proof as they’re lovely to everyone else. Had I not seen her ruin a colleague before, I’d think I was being paranoid (which isn’t really in my nature)

This person in your office has previous. Now she’s doing it to you. She’ll carry on doing it long after you’ve moved on. Good luck with your job hunting x

Scared and anxious at work feel ignored and it's exhausting.Dont know what I am doing wrong but need to resolve the situation it's a horrible atmosphere.Feel it's all my fault.should I leave?