Dh messaging ex

[whydonievenbother]

Advice please

DH and I have been together for 18 years, married for 11 and have three boys together.

I have found out that for the last two weeks he has been messaging his ex on messenger. They had a mutual friend years ago when they were together and this friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. DH found ex on facebook and messaged her to let her know about their previous friend's diagnosis. DH hasn't actually spoken to this guy in the entire time I've been with him and apparently his ex also lost contact with this guy many many years ago.
They have since been messing on messenger with general chat and sending each other hearts and kisses and remember the good times they had together (DH and ex).

I have screen shot and saved every conversation they've had and saved it in my phone but I haven't confronted him about the messages.

If the roles were reversed and he saw messages between me and an ex he would be sulking, giving me the silent treatment and outright accusing me of doing something.

He has a history of being jealous and if I were to wear a bit of make up, or dress nicely going out he would say things like "oh so who's this new guy you're trying to impress?"

I've put my foot down with this behaviour and we went through months of couples counselling a few years back for other various toxic behaviours.

When I was 9 months pregnant with our last boy I found out he had been messaging and chatting with a girl on PS4. They became PlayStation friends but they had been private messaging with him asking her what she looked like and asking her to send pics of her face, telling her she was beautiful and one time he messaged he to "let's make love not war" when they were playing a game against each other. I immediately confronted him and he couldn't deny it as I had the phone and messages right in his face: his response was it was "only a bit of fun" and apologised:

Fast forward to this situation now and I want advice on what my next move should be. I don't want to go into him angry and emotional as there hasn't been any direct flirting however it is making me uncomfortable.

I don't really see why he had to contact her when both of them haven't even been friends with said person in nearly 20 years.

What would you do?
A, wait it out and see where/if the messages go further

B, tell him I know he's been in contact with her and now find out why the messaging has become common and not even about ill friend anymore

C, get back in contact with my ex and let DH see how he likes it? (I know this sound petty as f**k but it has crossed my mind)

Thank you

He sounds like a classic misogynist pig. He's controlling and suspicious towards you, because a) he regards you as his property, and b) he is measuring you by his own moral standards - he would cheat in a heartbeat if one of his sleazy little advances towards other women actually paid off, so he thinks you would do the same.

I couldn't be with a man whose basic values disgusted me, and I would worry about what your boys are learning, seeing you tolerate a man like this.

So this is the second time with the same type of issue. He's clearly looking for a thrill elsewhere. Sadly with these types, they will still continue to do it and hide it even better. Ever wonder why he's always accusing you of something?? Because he clearly does it.

I wouldn’t message your ex but definitely dress how you want and go out with your friends.

Start dressing up and wearing make up when you go out for routine things like popping out for a loaf of bread, then just wait for him to say something and seize your moment.

This!

I'd do this. When he asks what you think you're doing I'd be letting him know that since he started messaging his ex, I decided to message mine too but I'm childish like that.

there hasn't been any direct flirting however it is making me uncomfortable.

are you uncomfortable every time your DH has a female friend, or is it just because it's an "ex"?

@Epicaricacy he has a history of flirty with other women, swears on his life nothing has happened but if I were to even hug a male family member he'd get the hump/ outright accuse me of cheating.

He's now messaging his ex who he was with for 3 years about a friend they both haven't been in contact with for nearly 20 years.

I think the way I'm feeling is pretty valid and not just being annoyed because he's friend with another female

Thanks for your replies,

I'm looking good and taking care of myself, if he dares try to say anything he'll have it.

For now, I'm going to wait and see where and how far the messages go

Your husband is a creep.

You deserve better.

@RonaTkinson he SWEARS he's never cheated but the amount I've caught him him in highly questionable situations, years ago I caught him signed up to sex websites, hes ended up in a hotel room party with two girls when him and his friends were out clubbing. He swears nothing ever happened. Years before we were married.

I was 17 when I got with him and he's 7 years older.

When I look back, I feel so angry and sick with myself why I stayed and put up with what I did. As said before we've gone through counselling for months when I finally decided to leave him for different reasons.

He was the one who jumped to counselling and begged me to go.

But now I'm much older, wiser. I'm not sitting here crying and feeling low about myself. I just want advice on the best next move for myself

Don’t involve your ex in this disaster, especially if he’s got a partner. It’s unfair and immature.

You need to decide if you want your marriage to continue. Your husband is unlikely to change his habits. What you see is what you get. So bear that in mind and make your choice, leaving other parties out of it.

@Reddog1 yes I know and I agree. I was just having a moment of frustration.

I definitely will NOT be messaging my ex. I'd never want his new partner to feel the way I am.

You’ve brushed a lot of stuff under the carpet over the years OP. Can’t imagine being with a man who gets annoyed when I hug a male relative, what a complete tool.

He would get annoyed if you hugged a male family member. He's jealous because he acts this way, which means he thinks you are the same.

@whydonievenbother

D, plan to leave a lying cheat. Why isn’t that an option ??
He contacted her as he gad a perfect excuse .
Your living with a snake who will never change .
Not wanting you to dress up as he is projecting who he is and thinks all men the same . Or you are the same as him .

Major creep !

Just leave you don't have to try and get revenge or think up things to do to get back at him.
That will lead to further stress.
Just withdraw. Better for your piece of mind.

It sounds like you have caught him a few times now, speaking to other women inappropriately. Imagine all the times you haven't caught him? What are the chances of you finding out every single time.

fwiw, if I found messages of my oh messaging his ex with hearts and kisses on the end, his bags would be on the doorstep, but you need to do what's best for you.

You have pulled him up on messaging other women a few times, and he does it again. So will bringing this up really make any difference unless you were going to implement some kind of consequence for his actions?

A grown "man" of three children with "PlayStation friends"?
WTF.

4th option: Leave this hypocritical, do as I say not as I do, two timing prick and find someone better.

OP, the problem here is that you've fundamentally just got a shit partner. He had proven to be repeatedly untrustworthy and to disregard your feelings for his own gain. It's been an 18yr relationship – he isn't going to change, and you will be going around this roundabout with him until the end.