Handling other parents over their child's behaviour towards mine?

[OopsOhNoZHM]

I haven't said anything to the mother yet, but I want to. However I am very much an angry person, but I want to do it calmly (but still firm) so I don't get banned from the school grounds 😂

My 5yo DD, S, has a 5yo male friend in her class, B, who she enjoys playing with at school. They seem to be happy enough with each other, except that B constantly picks S up and squeezes her. She doesn't like it, she's been taught that she can say no, she can tell him to stop, and she does, yet he continues. On top of that, his older sister (7?) also now does this every time she sees S. I have intercepted both siblings multiple times, first gently saying 'oh S doesn't like that, can you put her down please', to a very firm 'get off her, now'. Every time, their mother just stands there smiling away, and it infuriates me. She's seen me from across the playground many times having to pick S up just to get her away from these 2 kids that have clearly never been taught boundaries. What pisses me off on top of that, is that the mother still stood there smiling away like a moron, when her 5yo son ran straight across the very busy road to grab hold of S. I again had to pick her up to get her away from him, but also parent B and tell him how dangerous it was to run out onto the road like that, that he could have been seriously hurt. Like am I missing something here? The mother is vary definitely aware there's an issue as she avoids me like the plague now, and her 7 has definitely gone back to her to say I've told her off.

So how would you approach this one? I've already been to her teacher multiple times about other children not respecting boundaries (unisex toilets, boys climbing up to look over the cubicle door as S was trying to use the toilet, don't get me started on that one), her teacher is actually fantastic and has done multiple lessons on boundaries, privacy etc, but clearly it's not sinking in with B, and as it's him and his older sister, in different classes, I feel like it might be better going directly to the source. Idk, maybe it just annoys me more cos I fuxking hate people and can't stand being touched myself, but equally, if my daughter says no, it means fuxking no? What would you do? I'm aware ripping the mother's head off is unreasonable (...right? 🤔😂) but aibu here to tell her to teach her kids to behave appropriately? 🤔

Ok calm down. They’re little kids. You have a voice don’t you? ‘Please tell your son not to pick up Bella again - she doesn’t like it’. Then if it continues, tell the kid off yourself. And be a bit scary about it.

If the school can't do anything, the mother won't do anything, and the kids aren't listening to you, all you can really do is tell your DD she's not allowed to play with him anymore.

It'll be a shame, but what else is left to try?

She's already told the kids off.

I do not think you are unreasonable to want for it to stop or for your daughter’s “No” to be heard and respected. Has the teacher had a word with B and his sister; might that be worth a go? If you tend to get angry then it might be worthwhile going to the school route as opposed to going over yourself. That said, it would be perfectly reasonable to speak with the mother and see if you can get it to stop; however, since she’s seemingly not bothered, I am not sure it will have the effect you might want it to. Also, just a thought but could the children have SEND and so not be fully understanding what’s being asked of them - needs to be worked on, of course, but just a thought. Very sorry that this has happened to your daughter and I hope it gets sorted speedily.

Little kids that are left unchecked turn into big kids that think they can do what they like. I don't excuse behaviour like that after they've been told.

If she won’t parent her kids, then you need to get firmer. Stop being nice at all. Be cold and calm and tell them to stay away from her.

If the mother isn’t going to do anything about her kid running across the road, she isn’t going to do anything about him picking yours up.

Go via the school. Also consider teaching yours that there’s a point where they can get physical too. I realise this is heavily frowned on, but often it’s what stops it. When my son was in reception, one of the year 3 kids constantly pushed the reception kids over. Until one of them turned around and pushed him over. He hasn’t done it since.

I think you need to do this all through the school. If the teacher isn’t doing anything then escalate it and follow their policy for complaints. Keep escalating and reporting it every single time it happens.

I just couldn't believe it that she still stood there smiling by her car, as he ran straight across the road. I don't have the words.

She's been taught the old 'ladies don't start fights but they can finish them'. I've told her she will never be in trouble with me for defending herself, but I know she's worried about disappointing her teachers and getting in trouble with them.

Maybe try the school again ? Maybe be blunt and tell them if it does not stop you will go to the parent yourself. It might be enough for them to take you seriously.

Exactly, so check him then.

You've tried the nice way, didn't work. You tried to waot for the muk to step in and parent, didn't work. Similar happened to a friend of mine in primary school. Her mum put her face in the boy's and shouted at him not to EVER touch my friend again or else he would regret it. He cried, his mum was angry but you know what? He never bothered her again and the next girl he picked on said "careful I will get my mum on you" which was enough to work. And so what if his mum was angry? I live in a v nice v middle class area and wouldnt hesitate to do this myself. She had the chance to put a stop to this her own way and didn't. Why do you give a fuck?

Is there any point in approaching the mother? It doesn't sound like she's likely to do anything about it and she's pretty negligent if she's not bothered about her child running across the road! I would speak to the teacher and make it clear to your daughter that she won't get into trouble for defending herself (ask the teacher to tell her this too) if he approaches her while you are there, don't pick her up. Get between them and physically stop him touching her while saying 'No' loudly, tell him to go back to his mother.

Fucking hell, you sound like a delight OP.

You cannot change the behaviour of other people. It is not your place to school other parents on their parenting (that will never end well). Teachers/school cannot have much control over incidents that happen before/after school when DD is with you. They can do genersl personal space lessons, but let's remember that primary school children are still learning social cues and will often miss social signs.

You need to set the boundary with your own children. The boundary is about your own behaviour - it does not need anyone else to do anything. There are several options:

• Because B keeps squeezing you, I will make sure I always stand in between you and him, when I am there
• Because B keeps sqeezing you, we are going to walk a different way home so that we never see him.
• Because B keeps squeezing you, we aregoing to wait in the car until you go into school so we don't see him
• Because B keeps squeezing you, we are going to wait <somewhere different> before/after school do that you don't see him.
• Because B keeps squeezing you, we are going to drive to school for a while instead if walking.

Go to the class teacher and be very open about how unacceptable this is to you. Say that you don't want to have to go to the mother as she doesn't seem to get it.
Could they help?
Always make sure the school has a chance first IME

Imo going direct to a parent is never a good idea...

Tell them off properly FGS. What a load of hand wringing over it.

@Pterodacty1 Isn't this teaching her daughter that she has to miss out due to another child who can't keep their hands to themselves?

Genuinely asking by the way. I have a similar problem with a little boy (SEN) who is obsessed with my son, follows him everywhere in and out of school. My son (5) is avoiding activities he loves because the boy might be there. I haven't spoken to the mum (who encourages her son...) yet as it feels mean, but it can't continue.

I'd speak to the mum nicely before escalating and just say can you tell your kids to stop doing xyz to my kid she doesn't like it.

Absolutely not.

It is unreasonable to expect people to change their routine in these circumstances.

I agree with the posters who said it’s fine to speak to the boy and his sister in no uncertain terms. If their mum gets angry, let her. She’ll survive it.

@Pterodacty1 You are being very unreasonable.

I know you've spoken to the school about boundaries in general but have you told the teacher specifically that the picking up needs to stop? As a teacher, I'd be straight to both children to tell them they are not to do it again and if they do there will be a consequence (whatever the school behaviour policy is) just as if they were rude in class or whatever. I'm a scary enough teacher than that would stop most children but if it didn't, you'd go to the head. The children just need to be unequivocally told that this is something they do not ever ever do. It's a shame to end the friendship if they otherwise get on.

I once tried to mention very diplomatically to a friend that her son was regularly knocking kids over at play time and in the changing rooms.
He was the very youngest in the year and had extraordinary energy and strength - but I just felt if he ran into my d at full strength he could really hurt her. He properly bruised other kids.
The school were a bit lax honestly - it was a tough class that one.
She was incredibly hurt by my mentioning it and has barely spoken to me since. I wish I'd gone to the school first and learnt to do so after that.