To feel this way re life & my mom

[readingismycardio]

Hi!

Please, be kind, as I think I might be going through a mild PND. I have a beautiful baby boy who's 4 months old. He means the world to me and came after infertility and loss.

I had a tough time from the very beginning: traumatic C-section struggles with breastfeeding, etc etc, I'll spare you the details (I did make a post at that time if anyone wants to read it).

Then shit hit the fan even more. DH and I started arguing, baby has silent reflux, which meant that he cried a lot during feeds and was so tough to feed. Things have slightly improved but we have hit the 4 month sleep regression and sleep during the day is simply crap. He only sleeps on me, mainly.

DH helps a lot, but he obviously works full time, on Fridays I clean the whole house alone, while he works with the baby in a carrier.

My mom works too (we have no one except her - my DF and FIL are dead, MIL refuses to help in any way). For the first 3 months my mom helped us a lot with the baby (a couple of hours a day, baby only, no cleaning/cooking or anything else), but she keeps telling me how other people manage on their own, how I'm spoiled and I shouldn't have time to be depressed (?), how she should only come and play with DS and not help us, and so many terrible things, really. She is so manipulative and toxic that we decided to stop asking for her help and just manage somehow on our own.

I was wondering if you guys had any help, what kind of help, and if you didn't, how you made it easier on yourself.

Thanks!

I'm sorry to read this. Have you gotten any help with your PND?

I had a similar story (c section, postnatal depression, partner working full time) and it's really hard. I'm sorry your mum has been making you feel badly for accepting help. You were probably right to introduce some distance and forego the help right now if it comes with judgment or criticism.

My husband and I have no family in this country and had no help and it is so hard, but it really does get easier. The first 4 months were the worst and things really got better from there.

My suggestion: clean on a Thursday with your baby on you and take Friday off entirely to do something for you while your partner takes the baby in a sling. It's not horrible or selfish to take time to do things for you and if you don't you'll lose yourself. Even just go to the cinema in the middle of the day! Good luck. It's hard but it does get easier x

Thanks so much!!! I am sorry things have been tough for you too. Things have started to improve a tiny bit, indeed! The reflux has started to look better, at least!

I didn't get any help, but I'm back in therapy next Thursday, wohohoo! Hopefully that'll shed some light.

I had no help with 2 under 2 ... I still have no help now they're 7 and 8

I got by having solid routines and boundaries

Me and my husband are a team and are on the same page.

I didn't have PND though.

Single mum without any help here. I think it is easier if it is just you from the start, and you can just set everything up your own way and suit yourself

We had to do it without help and yes, it is lucky having help from your mom. But her calling your spoilt etc is horrible.

You didn't expect her to cook and clean for you I'm sure.

I think yabu.

You say your DH helps lots (and so he should) but he works full time but your mum works too and why is she expected to help but not your MIL?

I dont think she should have said all she did but agree that as tough as things might be, you shouldn't be relying on her.

My second birth was awful to say the least with lots of blood loss and I could barely walk after not to mention I also had a 3 year old and we had no help at all but you find a way to cope and a routine that will work for you.

It's hard initially but it will get easier.

However she did offer to help. But apparently her help comes with the price of my mental health

I had no help, had elderly or deceased relatives and no siblings. Also DH with post natal mental health problems which became acute. I managed, wasn't easy but I managed. Routine helped so I knew when I'd get a break. Got out to visit friends as much as possible, was very proactive in organising that and still am. It wasn't easy but I have a grest relationship with the kids now and we are a resilient bunch ! I'd advise don't dwell on the people (like my friends) who have support on tap, it'll only make you more miserable

I mean this in the kindest possible way but you don't need her help. You are absolutely capable of this. If needs be get a baby carrier and do your cleaning with your baby on your chest, don't put the chores before yourself and your baby. The dishes can wait.

id much rather do it myself that have my mum round who made me feel less than because I needed a hand. Speaking as a mum of 3 here, last baby partner went back to work after 3 weeks. C-section also PPD also which is still going 18 months on (but it's manageable) and my other 2 were 8 and 3 and middle child has autism

was everyday perfect and easy? No but yoj take it a day at a time. Do what you can do, prioritise yourself and baby and your bond and you will find it so easy, you'll also be happier not having to listen to your mums garbage

Great advice, thanks so much. Indeed, my friends have a lot of help.

I had DD 6 months ago also via C Section and close to no help as our families live over 200 miles away. My husband works full time and while he does wfh sometimes I’m lucky if he can watch her while I use the bathroom or unload the washing machine.

I have been lucky in someways - no PND, straightforwards c section recovery and after the first month breastfeeding has been easy.

I do think you are very lucky to have so much help from your mum and husband, maybe she wants to feel more that you appreciate her support ?

Some practical things that have been helpful for me. 1 nap per day I feed her in bed and we have a co-sleeping nap together. Combine my out of the house errands with a walk while baby sleeps in the pram (which I romanticise by listening to a nice playlist/podcast and getting a coffee). Baby carrier, jumperoo, bouncer - used for short periods to get household tasks done. Dancing fruit - 15 mins when I mentally need a break. Just accepting my house won’t be as tidy as it once was. Only cook 3x a week, 3 nights leftovers, 1 go out/takeaway.

And - while this might not be the same for everyone, after the 4 month regression was over things do now feel a bit easier,

When I had my DC I had just moved to another country, didn’t know many people, DH travelled a lot for work. I had a cleaner and maternity nurse. My mother offered to help but I would have had to spend a lot of energy managing her (she doesn’t speak the language in the country, doesn’t know what is where if I send her to a store etc) and would have made my life harder not easier.