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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I bring this up as an issue to my boyfriend?

41 replies

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:37

Been together a year and a half.

At the beginning we were very flirty. He’d say things to me like “I’m crazy attracted to you 😫” and “you’re honestly so attractive”. Texts were quite vulgar haha and lots of dirty talk.

Nowadays, we do have regular sex and we are intimate with cuddling, holding hands etc. He will sometimes rub my hips or slap my bum (lol - I’m completely fine with this) when walking past.

However, flirting just feels a bit wooden now?
I sent him a picture of me at work wearing his favourite dress of mine (quite figure hugging). He said “I love that! 🥰”

I called him at lunch to let him know about plans for later, and then I said I’m not coming home first. I said I wish I could, and I said maybe I’ll keep this dress on for later, flirting. He said “you can do whatever you want!” I said “yeah maybe you can take it off for me” and he said “yes please!” I asked why and he said awkwardly “well I like seeing you naked!” And then changed the subject.

I find that nowadays, rather than saying things similar to what he used to say, he’s more ‘cutesy’. If I offer sex or anything, he said “yes please!” In a cutesy tone. If I say he’s attractive or fit, he’ll simply say “you’re so attractive too”. He won’t often say it first but if he does it just sounds more awkward?
After sex he’ll say “that was amazing!” And that’s it. He doesn’t talk during it.

i don’t know if any of this is making sense. He’s still so lovely to me and we are affectionate and he looks after me. However I just worry maybe that initial attraction isn’t there and he’ll look somewhere else?

I’ve asked similar before and he told me I’m being silly and of course he finds me just as attractive.

Is it worth bringing up as an issue or am I wasting my time?

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 12:39

even if you bring up
you can’t force him to feel differently

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:39

No of course I can’t. I just don’t know if I’m panicking over nothing

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 12:42

you live together?

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:42

Yes we do

OP posts:
Mounjaroooooh · 28/06/2024 12:42

I've read a very similar post to this, have you posted it before?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2024 12:43

Relationships mature and settle down, op. Do you really expect a relationship to always be like it was in the beginning?

trextape · 28/06/2024 12:43

when did you move in together? how old are you both?

Lifeisamysterytome · 28/06/2024 12:45

If you've been together for 18 months you can't expect things to be the same as when you first got together.
Sounds as though he is still into you but in a more familiar way while you seem to want him to be stuck in the time warp of that first intense attraction.

Dontletme · 28/06/2024 12:46

I think it’s normal for all the excitement to die down a bit after eighteen months.

Fontainebleau007 · 28/06/2024 12:46

Relationships change and develop over time. They wont always be like it was in the beginning. He sounds like he loves you and is into you. I'm not really seeing an issue here.

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:50

I know but now he doesn’t initiate, definitely doesn’t say much flirty himself. Now he just awkwardly reciprocates what I say??

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 12:52

how long lived together
how old are you both?

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:54

Lived together 6 months, both 28

OP posts:
trextape · 28/06/2024 12:54

I said “yeah maybe you can take it off for me” and he said “yes please!” I asked why and he said awkwardly “well I like seeing you naked!” And then changed the subject.

you asked “why”? 😕

Cas112 · 28/06/2024 12:57

I said “yeah maybe you can take it off for me” and he said “yes please!” I asked why and he said awkwardly “well I like seeing you naked!” And then changed the subject.

If your gonna force it out of him course it will feel awkward

Have you never been in a long term relationship before? Of course it dies down, he's still being affectionate so doesn't sound like there is a problem on his behalf

Wafflefudge · 28/06/2024 12:57

If someone asked me why I'd feel awkward too. Bit awkward on your part there.

Bountiez · 28/06/2024 12:58

You asked why, that was so awkward. It was already flirty and needed leaving there! All of what I'm reading sounds like he is fine and it's a you problem. But I suppose we are all different and you have the comparison to how it was before. Telling you the sex is amazing...? That's fine, what is it you want him to talk about during sex? 🙈

C1N1C · 28/06/2024 13:04

I'd say stop being clingy and requiring affirmation. You're almost 30, you're still together, life is going to 'settle'...

Ease into the blandness of maturity. If you need sparks and rainbows every day, life is really going to kick you in the balls! :)

You're together, and happy. That's pretty much as good as it gets.

EveningSpread · 28/06/2024 13:05

It sounds like you’re insecure about the (quite normal) changes to your relationship OP, and are now forcing the issue and creating awkward conversations, which are making you feel worse.

It’s not reasonable to feel the first intensity of attraction to last forever. Things change. If they change well, you remain attracted to each other, becoming increasingly committed, and build a life together.

I sympathise with you, because I think women are often encouraged to see their value as primarily sexual, so the natural cooling off of attraction that happens in a relationship can be very worrying. But your worth and value is not purely sexual - you have many other things to offer in a relationship. And your boyfriend will only look elsewhere if (a) he is a dick or (b) the relationship is failing.

Confidence and being relaxed are key. Don’t make sex into an issue before it is one. It sounds like the relationship is fine, but you’d benefit from looking inward to see why you have certain expectations and fears.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/06/2024 13:11

It’s normal for the initial “can’t keep your hands off each other” novelty to wear off once you’re in a long term relationship and living together. You’re having regular sex and when you’re together, he shows that he finds you attractive; that’s the important stuff. I have a high sex drive and we have a lot of sex; but my libido would immediately shrivel if DH were constantly trying to instigate “sexy talk” or wanting to talk about taking my clothes off when I was busy doing other shit and kept persisting even when I wasn’t responding enthusiastically to it. OP, he has a job and a life and other stuff going on, and you trying to make it all about sex when he’s at work trying to eat his lunch is clearly way too much.

StatelyGardens · 28/06/2024 13:12

There is only one valid thing here n your op.

Why are you scared 'he might look elsewhere?" What makes you think so? So weird to just suddenly worry 'he might look elsewhere'.

At 18 months of relationship, the only consideration is, is this relationship good for me and is it good for him? I have never been in a relationship and my overarching concern is 'would he look elsewhere'.

Are you employable? Are you developing your career or is he your 'be all'?
That is what OP needs to examine. 28 is too young unless your only focus is sex and flirting in all your relationships at your age.

StatelyGardens · 28/06/2024 13:15

Unlike others, I do agree that, the fact that you are having regular s3x is not much of a pointer.

Many many blokes (especially the young ones but even some older guys) are happy to have regular sex even with a female friend. Some even hate their gfs and planning to break up, but would still have regular sex with them until the day they break up!

Therealjudgejudy · 28/06/2024 13:19

You sound immature and overly needy....sorry 🤷‍♀️

Lifeisamysterytome · 28/06/2024 13:25

Really if he sounds awkward then perhaps it's his reaction to you trying to force him into talking/ behaving in a way he isn't comfortable with?
He must be feeling pressure if you are always trying to turn every conversation into flirting/ innuendo.
I really think if you dont relax a bit and just enjoy your conversations and life together, you will really have the opposite effect on him from the one you want to achieve. He will feel he is having to go through hoops to please you.

PurpleyDog · 28/06/2024 13:25

Mounjaroooooh · 28/06/2024 12:42

I've read a very similar post to this, have you posted it before?

Yes it all sounds very familiar!

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