To be fed up of hearing how hard SIL has it?

[PrincessPeache]

I actually really like my SIL and enjoy her company.

But every single time MIL speaks to me or DH, we have to hear about how hard SIL has it.

For context, me and DH live in a 2 bed flat with our disabled child, household income of £50k. Both work full time. I’m actually pretty content with our life. We go on one or two long weekend breaks a year, And abroad once a year. We are very lucky.

SIL and BIL have a 3yo DS and 1yo DD. All in very good health, BIL earns about £250k so SIL doesn’t work. Large beautiful home and garden in the countryside. Both children in full-time nursery. They have a dog walker and a cleaner who comes twice a week. Two or three holidays abroad every year along with UK breaks too.

I’m not jealous - they have a lovely
lifestyle and are kind and generous people. But I’m pretty content with my lot (although I wouldn’t say no to a bigger house and a garden!)

I don’t engage with MiL about it anymore and just change the topic or nod and smile. DH has taken a more passive aggressive approach in “yes it must be soooo hard for her having to get the kids to nursery on time every morning so she can be home in time to let the cleaner in”.

It’s very much souring the relationship DH has with his mum but she takes offence very easily and if we actually raise it with her properly she will throw a huge strop and go NC until it suits her. I’m starting to think though that this might not be such a bad thing…

Why exactly does your mil think your sil has it hard 🤔 sounds like she has an easy life

My MIL is similar - constantly telling DH about BIL's huge house and salary and how well he's doing. He's doing so well because he's got 3 children - we only have 2 - and his DW doesn't have to work - I did.

Then quietly asking DH to pay BIL's share of whatever (dinner, holiday stuff) because he's got three children and it's very expensive - and everything is quite stressful for him because his DW doesn't work.

It's mind boggling.

But why does your MIL think your SIL has a hard life? Surely that says more about your MIL’s mentality? For all we know, SIL is loving life. The question is why your MIL thinks she doesn’t. Why not ask her?

Yeah - fuck that!

I had decades of my MIL talking about her daughters and how hard her life was, she prefixed her name with the word poor!
She was far from poor, she was a manipulator and not a kind person.

What does she actually say?

Is SIL the favourite child by any chance? I have similar forever hearing about how hard poor BIL has it because he is all alone, has a small flat and pleads poverty. Forever expecting DH to help him out, cover his share of birthday meals etc. BIL is single because he cheated on his wife and she left him, he is very open about this, he could afford a better place but he'd rather spend his money down the pub or on expensive meals out. He is always short on cash for the same reason. He is open about his salary, he earns no less than DH or SIL.
But he is the golden boy and can do no wrong.

What does she actually say is hard about sil’s life-can you give some examples?

Yes, I’m interested in this too. It often says far more about the person who appears to be doing all the pitying. My mother, completely unjustifiably, pities both my sisters, because one has stepchildren but no children, and the other is unmarried and ‘had to buy her own house’. Both are enjoying life, both are childfree by choice, neither pities herself — it’s all about my mother’s weirdly programmatic ideas about what people ‘should’ do.

My MIL does this. Along with "Sil works so hard" while accusing us of sitting around (Dh while full time, I get carers allowance).

well its your DH's mum so what would he like to do about it? I am not saying you have to be led by his decision but since he seems unhappy about it as well would he prefer to go low/no contact? I mean she doesn't seem to bring a lot to the party. Do your inlaws know what she is saying and what do they think?

Does sil suffer with mental health problems? Perhaps she off loads to mil then mil off loads to you.

I'd just smile and nod, take it with a pinch of salt

YANBU - sounds like my SIL who is very manipulative especially around financial support despite the fact her husband’s family are extremely wealthy & have bought them a property portfolio. MIL constantly excuses her behavior by saying she’s going through a tough time… it’s so draining.

I just try and limit down time with SIL, and steer the conversation around when MIL starts going on about how tough SIL has it. If you don’t respond to the comments, the conversation comes to an end pretty quickly

Just nod whilst giving MIL tasks to do "oh no. Poor SIL. Can you pop this bag in the bin outside?". Unless your SIL herself is coming to you complaining I wouldn't take any notice. For all you know MIL is saying to SIL how hard you have it constantly.

My mum would use a tactic where she would say ‘poor such and sucha’ ( usually a woman who didn’t work and had a reasonably well off husband and secure housing) then almost set me up to sputter ‘why are they poor? They chose not to work and have a lovely life!’ Etc etc. This happened a lot when I was single, living in rental and hated my job. I think she did it to look saintly and also so that I would say what she was really thinking, so that she could quote me late, all innocently.

She still does it now and I just don’t engage.

We don’t know that this is coming from SIL at all, who could be perfectly happy and thoroughly enjoying life without complaint.

Does she harp on to your SiL about how hard you have it??

What exactly is it about SILs life that MIL thinks is hard?

I have the same problem!! SIL’s husband is a multi millionaire !! And we have debt to our eyeballs. Yet, “poor SIL” !!

Inlaws didn’t give us a penny. A single penny. They paid for her college, wedding, kids christening parties, expensive jewellery etc. still “poor SIL”. FIL once had the nerve to tell me we need to help SIL.

It really depends on why the MIL is showing concern for SIL. What is about SIL’s life that is so tough? Is it depression, anxiety, challenges in the marriage, work related stress, in laws, neurodivergent kids…

None of those. I don’t understand what her problems are:

1. Huge house
2. cleaners every day
3. nanny - after school support
4. Millions in the bank - free access to money
5. Great husband, lovely kids
6. Healthy family, healthy parents

I don’t understand what the problem is.

Again without knowing what exactly your mil is concerned for sil about its hard to know whether or not her worries are fair to mention. She might be equally concerned about you and speak to others about you.

Ah. Yes either a golden child dynamic going on.

Or. SIL used to struggle with something earlier in life, eg Ill health, or acedemic struggles and mil hasn't adjusted her view point.

Or, like in my family. Mil likes to moan to get second hand sympathy and does the same in reverse to sil, being all 'poor op'. My mother and grandmother did this a lot. It has caused a kind of passive resentment in two generations. The cousins (my generation) were all quietly jealous of each other until we revealed what has been said to us about the other cousins. One was beautiful, one talented, one intelligent etc and we all just stared at each other in shock as none of this has been told to us in person. We had spent years hearing these women praise others in front of us, but ignore praising us. It was fucked up!