To worry he won't do it

[Pickingmyselfup]

I've left the husband in charge of applying for the kids passports, I do pretty much everything else so passed it to him so I had one less thing to do.

Holiday isn't until November so we have plenty of time but as far as I known he still hasn't done it. He's told me every time I remind him that he has it under control and to leave him to it but what if he doesn't do it??

I'm very much a control freak and he often forgets to do things like clean the bathroom when he said he would so I end up doing it. Part of me thinks I should just do it for him but the other part thinks he's a grown adult, he can do this for his own children. He manages to remember car insurances etc so he is capable.

However if he doesn't do it then there will be no holiday, no visit to my family and we will have lost the best part of £3K!

Should I just leave him to it??

Well I guess it depends on how much you want this holiday. If he has form for this, you're setting him up to fail really. A passport is a pretty important thing, why would you leave the one vital thing for him to do? But I guess if he doesn't do it you could just go off somewhere on your own and leave him with the kids.

Normally I would say leave him to it, but this affects you and the children too so it doesn't really make much sense using this as a lesson to him. Maybe start leaving things to him that impact him more than you.

You really need to learn to leave it with him.

You may end up going alone and you should absolutely go if he fucks this up.

Stop stepping in for him, this is the only way he will learn.

I'm assuming that there's history here to this situation? I think it's hard because you're totally justified in being nervous, but, on the surface, he's totally justified in telling you to back off and leave it to him.

Assumign there is a history and this is an ongoing issue (my guess is that he's agreed to step up more and this is the way you've suggested it starts?), I would say something like, "Look, I know I've been asking you about the passports but it's really stressing me out. So, I'm going to trust you because I do completely understand that it's frustrating that I don't. But this is really really important so if there are any problems, I'm telling you know that it's going to be a huge issue for us."

That comment is not ideal but I think you sort of have to acknowledge the Elephant in the room. He might turn around and accuse you of threatening him or whatever, in which case I think you can even acknowlege that, "I know, that's what it sounds like. The truth is though that I want to trust you, but in the past you haven't stepped up so I'm finding it very hard and I know that if this falls apart I'm going to be angry and upset. I need you to know that."

You haven’t left him in charge.
your trying to micromanage him.
either leave him to it or tell him you don’t trust him to get it done and do it yourself
otherwise you will just wind yourself up into a ball and annoy him in the process.
if you want him to take more responsibility do yours and the kids and leave his in his own hnds

This. if you want him to experience consequences then choose something that won't result in such a big screw up.

I think you've picked the wrong hill to die on here.

he often forgets to do things like clean the bathroom when he said he would so I end up doing it.

Pick this one instead ^^ as it's so ridiculous.

I understand your frustration but you could have applied for your children's passports online in the time it took you to post this on Mumsnet.

Even taking the kids to get their photo taken is a colossal waste of time. You can do it with your mobile phone and a white wall.

Ask your husband if he has done it yet and I'd the answer is no, do it yourself.

If he doesn't do it, you go on holiday without him and the children, he has to stay at home and use his annual leave looking after two very pissed off kids and you get to relax & see your family, I think that will be a lesson learnt for him.

why should the kids lose out or be weaponised?

I get people wanting to call his bluff, but it isn't fair if the kids miss out to prove a point to him, that's just wrong.

Can you just set a deadline by which you BOTH agree everything needs to be done - i.e. end of August for passports, insurance, any other essentials? If you both agree to it together then you can commit to together. If he hasn't done it by then you have every right to have a firm conversation with him about consequences. But don't just take the task away from him, not least because there are still 4-5 months to go...

" I get people wanting to call his bluff, but it isn't fair if the kids miss out to prove a point to him, that's just wrong "

Men know this, they know their wives and girlfriends/mothers of their children will cave in because of the children.
We need to stop this, they emotionally manipulate us with their own children to get away with shit behaviour.

You could argue that letting the children see mum do it all and having to micromanage dad is also very wrong.

This behaviour would drive me mad and I would probably get the passports myself as I couldn’t stand the stress. In the long term you could accept him as he is and be the organiser for the family or ( after the holiday), have a frank conversation saying that you don’t want to live like this and can’t see the marriage surviving unless he makes a genuine commitment to take more responsibility. Good luck, but in my experience, it’s hard to change a grown man.

He doesn't have form for forgetting important things, it's just things like cleaning the bathroom, putting the bins out, the dishwasher stuff that is pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. He always remembers when the house insurance/MOTs are due.

I could easily have done it myself but I asked him to take it off my hands because I just needed one less thing to deal with but it's backfired tbh because now I'm worried it won't get done so I'm either going to have to do it myself or organise a time to sit with him to do it or we all lose out. If I'm having to babysit someone to get a job done it's not actually much help and I may as well have just done it myself.

He probably will do it but because it's such a big thing if he doesn't then we are screwed but if I can do it then so can he. I am also forgetful with stupid things but I know I'll do it, in his head he's probably thinking he will do it. I know if I was in charge he wouldn't be worried it wouldn't get done so he never worries.

When did you ask him to do it?

A couple of months ago I think. I did mine and then I said can you please organise the kids to which he said yes.

We do have time, mine took a week to come back, one of the kids is a first passport though which might take longer.

Hence why I said set a joint deadline - it's joint, it's not micromanaging, and if he misses it then there is a conversation about consequences which means she is NOT caving in, it's literally holding him account to something he signed up to.