To ask him where I stand

[lostfan2]

Slept with a male friend after a long flirtation.

Part of a wider friend group but have just started to hang out just the two of us. We had planned to go to an upcoming music event together this coming Sunday.

The sex didn't go particularly well and ended in an awkward parting of ways in the morning. It was him that left abruptly and was a bit off in the morning. I also didn't really enjoy the sex but I put it down to first time (with each other) nerves and copious amounts of alcohol.

He just text to say he was looking forward to the music event but wasn't sure if he'd stay late and may just come for a couple of hours as he now has to work early the next day.

I have no idea where I stand with him now. I want to outright say "hey, did sex with me give you such a strong negative reaction that you would like to go back to being platonic?". I won't be devastated if that's the case, I would just like to know either way.

I really hate not knowing. I've known him over 10 years so I should really be able to be open (right?) but how do you even ask that question to someone?

I'm supposed to see him with the wider friend group at a bbq tomorrow and want to clear the air before then. I couldn't even guess where I stand at this point.

Years ago I did this with a platonic friend. Never really went back to where we were. There was always a bit of an unwritten awareness. But.....just go Saturday. Never mention the sex again and don't say anything about him leaving early and I'm sure you will be best buddies again.

(Time will tell the eventual outcome...if it's meant to be it will be. And if he messes you around and hurts your heart in the process then he's not the one.)

I feel so awkward showing up not knowing the score. I don't want to embarrass myself.

Generally, if someone wants to be with you, wild horses can't keep them away.

The fact that he's texted you about his plans suggests that he is a decent bloke and wants to maintain contact.

If your first time together had put him off, he'd be avoiding you: he wouldn't have texted at all and wouldn't show up for the music event.

Stay calm.

take the power back and YOU tell him what the score is!
the sex was crap and he was rude, surely you don’t want any more of that?

Hi OP, the fact that he was off in the morning, left abruptly and then text semi cancelling your next meet suggests that he is not feeling great about what happened.

I wouldn’t ask him directly as I would think it will make you feel worse/ rejected?

If it were me , I would just style it out- try to be as normal as possible and assume jts back to friends and see where things go from there..

Ok so clearly both of you know it wasn’t good. So instead of putting him on th4 spot, and passively aggressively blaming him, which is what your desired text is, just detach and go back to being friendly bright and breezy. Try to make it a blip, in time the awkwardness will fade.

Males tend to be able to compartmentalise well (general statement, but still). If you really want to know if there’s anything further ask him. If not just go along, let it go and be usual and breezy

This is what I was thinking.

I've known him years so we always talk really openly, so I don't think it would be out of pocket to ask.

I'm just not sure how to phrase it.

I think what I'm struggling with is that going back to being breezy and pretending nothing happened, feels very "cool girl" and "women mustn't be hysterical".

I'm frustrated, I think, as a 40 something woman, that I can't just get transparency and be direct.

What do you want to happen? If you just want things to go back to how they were before, maybe make a joke about it (can’t believe we got so drunk and did that!) but you would need to tread more carefully if you want to be with him.

Do you want it to be something more?

I think pretty clear he regrets it

Don't ask. Just acknowledge it's awkward and put it all behind you

But it probably has damaged the friendship. I doubt things will be the same again (talking from experience)

In person. In a light way. Too much is lost in written text and you might give the wrong vibe.

I was in a similar situation years ago. Condom came off so sex stopped abruptly. I felt.awkward. He didn't.

We laughed it off next time we met and remained friends without the benefits.

Don't overthink this. Make.light and retain a good friendship. If it's meant to move on it will. Don't force it

I’m in the ‘go with the flow’ camp. I suspect he might be embarrassed if it didn’t go well & maybe disappointed. He didn’t handle it well but doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you. Sex can improve dramatically as you get to know someone. If the opportunity comes up when you see him maybe ask what he wants to happen now but I wouldn’t ask a leading question or message. Relationships are all about uncertainty in the early days. He might not know himself. If you don’t want anything though then just message to tell him that so he’s not left wondering.

I thought it was heading in that direction, to be honest. Until we had sex, we had been cuddling a lot and even chatting about the future. He was always the one coming on stronger.

We had eluded multiple times to the fact we were both attracted to each other and we had both acknowledged sex was on the cards at some point.

So I hadn't really got to a point of knowing him well enough romantically to know if I'd want more, but I definitely had thought about it as a possibility, prior to the bad sex experience.

How about - well after all that build up and flirting things didn't go as well as they might have! I'm putting it down to first time nerves and too much alcohol. Im still attracted to you and hoping this might go somewhere but understand if you want to revert to friendship. How are you feeling about things?

It sounds like you've been more than just friends....cuddling, talking about the future, and sex on the cards isn't just a friendship. If you feel like you both speak openly enough, just tell him you want to clear the air before the concert and are curious as to what he thinks about what happened because you don't want any awkwardness between good friends.