To think this is odd?

[Jennybeans401]

A new girl started at my dd's school after Christmas and they've been best friends since then. Dd has been bullied in school before and is happy to have a new friend.

I have found the girl's father to be a bit odd, he talks a lot about spirits and the occult. Interspersed with this are the usual conversations about the kids, schoolwork, etc.Both he and his dd's mum don't work so they have a lot of time when the kids are at school. The mum is often away at her parents house (sometimes half the week).

He takes photos of my dd on the park and other kids after school (he got a bit annoyed when one parent said no photos due to safeguarding/adoption). His daughter has been to our house for playdates but so far she's not been to their house.

He's often requested to meet up on weekends which is great as my dd gets on well with them.Just recently he's been asking for us to go swimming with our dds together which I'm not comfortable with.I said I'd take the girls swimming myself but he wants to go in the pool too.

I get an odd feeling from him.He could just be a concerned father who is very quirky/eccentric but there's something quite "off".

In what way does he talk about spirits and the occult? - Like what kind of context, what does he say about it? (from a safeguarding perspective, this can be something to look out for, or it can be harmless, depending).

And out of interest, are the family of a different cultural background to yourself?

Also is there any unusual behaviour in the other girl - is she shy or reserved at all, or behaving differently to other children in any way?

Yes they are relatively similar but he's quite obsessed with the idea that the spirits speak to him.They tell him to do things which are quite banal- like eat a certain food. I have found that very strange but he can be quite normal too like he will talk about his trips or dd.

She's very shy and is quite a quiet girl. Dad speaks of her a bit negatively in front of her (will say that her sister is an easy child and not difficult/has tantrums, etc.).

Trust your gut. You don’t have to point and shout weirdo but don’t let your DD be alone with this man.

This. There is a reason we have gut instincts; please don’t try and override them to be polite.

Please please trusts your gut and don't let your DD be alone with him, have sleepovers etc. put her feelings above the thought of potentially upsetting him by saying no.

That might be ringing some bells for me (I work in safeguarding). Not necessarily - it's hard to say from the limited info here - but she might be shy for a reason.

At the end of the day as a parent you have to trust your instincts. In your position, from what you've said here, I don't think I'd let my child go over unaccompanied and I wouldn't want them to go swimming with him.

Belief in spirits/ the occult is a strange one because it can be completely harmless, but it has also been the subject of some very unusual and disturbing safeguarding cases. Along with your instincts and the photos/ swimming requests, I'd be a bit unsure.

If you feel comfortable, you could also just keep a quiet eye on the other child when she comes round to yours and look out for any telltale signs in her. A couple of useful links:

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/spotting-signs-child-abuse/

https://www.safeguardingchildren.co.uk/professionals/procedures-practice-guidance-and-one-minute-guides/child-abuse-linked-to-faith-or-belief-including-witchcraft/

I'd avoid him like the plague tbh, but if you can, try not to make his DD suffer for his weirdness.

Thanks, I will take a look at this. My dd adores his dd but I'm going to read up on the links and try to keep the connection safe.

Yes I totally agree, dd has asked to go to their house but I wouldn't feel comfortable unless I was present too.

I find him odd but wondered if there's some undiagnosed mental health issue there. His dd is sweet and I feel bad for her when he says negative things in front of her.

It's unlikely you'll find out about him but just if you can, keep the girls together. If it is the case he is having some issues, he might improve in future. But for now, minimise your contact with him if he makes you uncomfortable.

Is he a Spiritualist? I have a couple of friends who are and they take guidance from the spirit world on lots of banal things like diet.

They are perfectly normal and actually very lovely people. They just have a belief system which is not one I can get on board with!

Eta: having said that, trust your gut feeling about this man.

I'm not sure if he's a spiritualist. I try to avoid conversations with him about it but he always comes back to it. His dd is a lovely girl and i feel awful when he talks about her in a negative way. It seems like she's shamed for being emotional or having sensitivities (she's possibly autistic but dad says they don't want to label it).

Spirits telling him to do things would make me steer clear.

OP, if any adult is doing something to a child in public which makes you "feel bad" for the child, then there's a fair chance that a) it's much worse in private and b) there is abuse of some kind (emotional/ verbal, physical, sexual, neglect, or a combination).

I imagine that this girl's home life is not very happy.

I'm not saying there is definitely abuse going on, but what you see is often the tip of the iceberg.

Just recently he's been asking for us to go swimming with our dds together which I'm not comfortable with.I said I'd take the girls swimming myself but he wants to go in the pool too. if you're not comfortable then refuse it. Don't say you'll take them by yourself though. If you're not comfortable with him being in the pool you can't really turn round and say BUT it's ok for me to be in the pool with them and call him a creepy weirdo.

He does sound creepy

@Jennybeans401 Also, signs of abuse are quite often mistaken for signs of autism (quiet, withdrawn, socially awkward, niche anxieties and solo interests, etc)

If you do become worried that this girl is being abused, please don't hesitate to contact social services. They can advise you.

This is something I will keep my eye on, he can be very sweet at times and helpful. There are a lot of unusual behaviours though, I try to minimise contact with him.