Let the friendship die ?

[Palewildflower]

Ok, I this is gonna be a long one

Me F30 friend M30

I have been friends with this male friend since primary school, turned best friends I’d say in high school. We were very close, I took him to prom, I went to his dad’s wedding and when he moved away for college I kept in constant contact with him. Yes, I fancied him in school and he didn’t like me. Then at one point he liked me and I was no longer interested. Then at the very end of school before he moved away we had 3/4 days together where we got very close, but did NOT have sex. Can’t stress that enough. Then because he moved away, nothing came of it. Fine. He got a gf I had a bf then that bf was insecure about him so asked me to stop being friends with him, so I did (I know I shouldn’t have, but I was young ok!). As I was breaking our friendship off he told me he loved me. Was a very hard tbh. Then after a year I decided no, I want him as a friend again. So we were and I eventually broke up with that guy, because he was a butthead (to put it politely). Then his 21st came around, our friendship group all went out for it, I was seeing a guy. All was well. Then I eventually met my current husband and we didn’t hang out as much, not just with him, but my other friends too. He also changed job and got really busy. So there was a few quietish years. I had a little girl, I got married (we eloped, so no wedding party) then he bought a house, I went round to see his house. Then covid hit and then i saw no one. So more quiet years with that specific friendship. Then he eventually meets his wife to be. Friendship gets quieter and quieter. I’m the one to message him about random stuff. I see on Facebook that he’s getting married. I sent a text that he took a while to reply to. I have a wee boy now and then the next November I’m turning 30. So I decide to have this small specific friendship group, because we’ve been friends since school. So they come round, it’s not a party, but just a catch up. The friends come round, we’re the kind of friends that doesn’t matter how much time has past since we last saw each other, it’s like we saw them yesterday, it’s great! So having a good time and I ask him about his wedding (his fiancé wasn’t there, she was invited but didn’t come) and he says they want to elope in April, I tell him that’s great because that’s what we did and it’s great! So alls good. Then April comes around and I see his mum in the supermarket she works in and she tells me he got married! Ah! Amazing! So happy for him, I text him to say congrats he says thanks that’s all. Then the pictures come on Facebook. He had a wedding party! And invited none of us! I text the other friends and they’re shocked too! And both of them say they’re shocked that we weren’t invited, especially me because of our friendship history, everyone knows how close we were. So yeh, pretty bummed about it. Then his dog died, I knew his dog, really nice dog. But because I’m still bitter about not being invited to his wedding I didn’t text him to say sorry about his dog.

So well done if you managed to get through that! Don’t know if this is a AIBU situation or advice. Should I just let the friendship die? I don’t want to lose my friend, but he doesn’t care about our friendship. I’m still bummed out tbh

I had a male friend like this... in the end I realised I actually valued him as a friend (despite us sleeping together in our teens) but actually he only valued me as someone who might sleep with him again at some point.. and when it became clear that wasn't ever going to happen again, he drifted away from the friendship.
We'd known each other since we were 12.
It hurts to know you invested in someone as a human being but you were always only a potential sex object to them
It's not all men who are like this.. I have some other very long term male friends who I know value me as a human being and they are never inappropriate, and their level of friendship doesn't waiver according to their relationship status.
But unfortunately there are many men out there who don't really value female friends once the potential for sex is completely removed.
Sadly it sounds like your friend did not really view you as a friend.
Yes you are right to let go of this.
Only have people in your life who respect you.

The friendship is already ‘dead’ …..get on with your own life same as he is doing….not all friendships last

I don't think it's that they don't value female friends I think it could be (sometimes not always) the initial friendship is based alittle on a romantic level, whether they admit it or not and once that's gone or they find a gf or meet someone else they naturally grow apart from said friend.

I think you’re part of his past, not present life.

I don’t see why any of you are ‘shocked’ he didn’t invite you to his wedding. You’d barely been in contact for years, and your last period of ‘closeness’ was in your schooldays when sex was still on the cards. Since then, the friendship has failed to survive careers, relationships with others, your marriage and children, Covid etc and has drifted to being the occasional text. It’s not unusual.

People drift from friendship groups. I wouldn't get worked up or cut him off. You can send a text about his dog. It may be that he doesn't stay in touch.

Still keeping a group from school is nit typical nowadays.

It sounds like you still hold him as close friend in your heart, but he does not. You don’t have an active and involved friendship anymore …I would just enjoy the contact that you do have.

if this does not sit easy with you, you could tactfully tell him that you were sad not to be part of his wedding celebrations, but it may hurt to be told something along the lines of it being just his nearest and dearest.

Thank you for your reply. I think this is what I’ll do. I don’t think I have to completely let it die, but just check in whenever like I would usually do, and then there’s some sort of “friendship” there. Might not even mention his wedding, even though I’m definitely still bitter about it lol

So he told you he loved you. You broke the friendship and then when you resumed it, it was less intense and more casual. He didn't go to your wedding (because you eloped) and you were barely in contact for quite a few years (sounds like 5 plus at least) and you are annoyed he didn't invite you to his wedding?

This was a guy who loved you and you didn't want to be lovers and you weren't exactly amazingly close friends either after that. He's sensibly moved on. Which should be a relief really to you. Not sure what you're chasing here. You should move on too.

OP, I really think you're being unreasonable here, he clearly had feelings for you.
Let the guy be.
You're being extremely selfish in not doing so.
Now I am not saying you are a narcissist, but this is very narcissistic behaviour.
Or you could have just swallowed the-in my opinion-myth that men and women can be friends.

Personally, I do not believe in being friends with men.
Acquaintances I speak to in the pub that I enjoy talking to? Yes.
Colleagues? Yes.
There are men I care about and hep when able, even then a simple act of preparing them a meal when they are unwell can be misinterpreted, outside of family but one-on-one buddy time? Forget it.