Ducks in a row: please help

[HelloTreacle9]

I can’t do this anymore. Married for over 20 years and for reasons I won’t go into, after years of abuse and gaslighting, I have finally accepted tonight that I need him to go. Please tell me what I need to do before I tell him.

Kids are both older teens, have experienced the bad stuff first hand. I’ve let them down by staying, I think. How do I handle this? I have always assumed I can’t afford for us to separate/divorce but what do I need to do? He’s all I’ve ever known but I can’t spend the rest of my life like this.

I need practical advice, please. What information do I need to gather and in what order should I proceed?

Someone who knows more will be along soon I'm sure but for now-
Passports
Birth certs
Marriage certificate
Anything like that for all of you

Sorry didn’t want to read and run - someone with proper advice will be along soon. Just wanted to say good luck and you’ll be fine in no time. Well done for making the first move

…but while I think of it, pdfs of bank statements can only help

It might be worth asking for your title to be changed, or the thread to be moved to a more appropriate topic than aibu as its a bit vague and less likely to get helpful responses here I suspect, MNHQ can do either

Proof of DH's income, if you have it.

Do you need to leave in a rush, or can you take your time…that will make a difference on what advice you need

I would start by looking carefully at finances. If you have a mortgage, could you afford to buy him out for instance. Proof of his income is a very good suggestion. Any documents relating to savings, pensions etc. Then start to plan a safe place for you and kids to go at short notice if ever necessary. Always have a Plan B. Stay one step ahead.
Good luck op

I think I can take my time. We’re both employed full-time, him in a reasonably high-paid profession, me in something a bit less impressive financially but it’s my vocation and I do all the ‘keeping the show on the road’ stuff at home. He was made redundant a couple of weeks ago, which is awful but I am bearing the brunt of that, to be blunt. I love him and want him to be ok but many lines have been crossed.

I don't have the advice you need I'm afraid, I just wanted to say well done.

And be very, very careful. Don't let him know you might be leaving. When you tell him - do it once you and the children are out the house, and don't let him know where you’ve moved to.

Good luck

I don’t have any first had knowledge but this organisation might be of help. They offer affordable legal advice (with payment plans) as well as tools for navigating various aspects of separation/divorce including custody and step by step planning
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
Recently heard about it on a podcast, they were offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’ but not sure if that’s still valid

Proof of income
Details of pensions & savings accounts
Mortgage documentation
As much of an emergency fund as possible, to pay initial solicitors advice and to cover other bills if necessary,
Documented details of any abuse
Think about what you will do if he won't leave
Price/availability of rentals in the area if one of you is going to need to live separately.
Increase your hours to maximise your income if necessary.

Good luck

Can you afford to rent somewhere else? If you can start the process. And sort out your tenancy. Will the children come with you?
If you can't afford to leave then you need to get in touch with woman's aid. They may be able to find you a place in a refuge. If so take all your documentation and anything special to you.
Leaving is so hard. It took me a very long time to break free. He promised to change so many times, we even tried counselling. He promised to go to anger management. But he didn't mean it. He didn't want to change.

I think moving this to the relationships board might help -there is always stacks of good and experienced advice there.
Best of luck OP.

what lines @HelloTreacle9

Is he abusive? If so, if you have any evidence of that (pictures, videos, text exchanges) - preserve it.

Does he know your phone pin? Change it

Do you have joint finances? Take as much as you can and put it in an account in your name only.

Do you have a pet that you want to keep with you? Make arrangements if possible.

Have you told a trusted friend/family member about your decision/why you want to split? Suggest you do that if you have someone suitable. When you tell him, get the kids out of the house and have the trusted person on standby (i.e. physically with you or parked outside) and make sure your H knows they are there.

Is there anything private that you don’t want him to see? Not bc it’s incriminating, just bc it’s personal? Give it to trusted friend to look after.

All things I wish I’d considered before I ended my marriage to exH.

He lost the plot in front of our small children - they are still traumatised by his behaviour on the night of the split and for the 3 months it took to get him out of the property. He went through all my handbags, drawers etc looking for “evidence”, cleared out our joint accounts (which was all our money - so I didn’t have access to any funds).

Get copies of anything to do with finances:his wages, savings, investments, mortgage, loans, literally everything.
Get birth certificates, passports.
Anything you can't bear to lose like photos, memory type things.
Move all of this to a friend or family members house.
Do not let your husband know what is going on.
Go and see a solicitor. Get their advice and they will help with the specifics. One question would be if you move out of the house and rent somewhere/live with family as living together might be awful while you're waiting for the divorce.
If you want to buy him out of the house, or to see what you can afford book to see a mortgage advisor.
Depending on your income look into benefits like universal credit and get the. Application submitted.
Only when everything is done and you are ready inform him it is over.
Oh and I advise having a bag of clothes and necessities saved a friend's house too for you and the kids just in case you need to leave the house.

I'm sure others will have more detailed advice. Wishing you well.

My ex walked out after 25 years of abuse. Literally just snapped and walked out of the door there and then. He didn't plan for it and just had the clothes he was standing in. His ex threw away most of his stuff. The things of importance he didn't have which were a shame....

Passport, eventually got a new one, but this was a faff.
Photos of his Daughter when she was a baby
Coin collection his Grandparents gave him
Spare car key
Pension statements
Bank account details (he wasn't very good at even remembering things like which establishment he'd had savings accounts with!)
And the one that cost him greatly, a copy of the deed of trust they'd signed when they bought the house. Without that it was split according to his abusive ex and he lost thousands and thousands.