Husband wants more children and I'm not sure I do

[Louiae123]

So back story , my son now nearly 3 ( first child ) but of a highly strung person he was very colicky as a baby terrible sleeper ect , BUT dad was useless with him and I did everything really for at least the first year , it gives me PTSD
Things are better now between us and with our son obviously he's a bit easier now however hubby wants another one
On one hand I live the thought of another sibling but on another hand I'm not sure I can go through that again
We have spoken about it kind of and I don't think he sees how shit he was .. feel like this is a major decision that I can't decide on

I think you need to tell him how shit he was….. another baby or not you can’t live with this resentment

If he doesn’t realise he was useless how could he be less useless with a second? If he does and doesn’t care he’s a twat.

Either way obviously don’t do it. Do you mean actual diagnosed PTSD or is that a figure of speech?

Ultimately woman decides so YANBU

Sounds like your DH might have baby fever! I think you need to have clear discussions here, instead of "kind of". How would he foresee your family unit managing the needs of your son plus a new baby? It is a different dynamic to have 2 children. How would he manage a baby, to facilitate your 1:1 time with DS?
What are the short- medium term implications of childcare etc? Do you think you'd be happy in your current home?

Say no. Healthy children aren't a guarantee. He has already proved himself to be someone you can't rely on in the first year and you already know you can't handle it. The choice is yours not his, he lost that when he didn't support you. Him not understanding how shit he was just underlines the reason not to have another one, because he still doesn't get how little he did so why would his behaviour change?

What's he like now with your DS? I'm not defending him but some people are crap at the baby stage, but then improve.

It won't be any easier if he's as useless the second time and you have a 3 year old to look after too.

Don't do it.

I don't think he sees how shit he was Have you told him this?

He needs to be told how much he let you down.

I wouldn't be having any more with him, this is the consequences of his own inaction.

It's is such resentment!
He just can't seem to take blame , fault on his half

I vowed never to have another one my DS was real hard work and I had no support guess I wasn't in a good place so may actual PTSD

He says he will be there more and thinks it won't be so hard as he's done it once I think he forgets!

We have to rely on nursery for childcare no family to help either
One minute I'm happy them one minute I think it be better to leave .. but that's easier said than done

He's amazing with him now !!

That's a very hard conversation! But definitely get what your saying

Could you cope with two if he is as shit as he was last time? And would your relationship survive it?

And on other hand I have mum guilt for my DS for being an only child ! I was an only child and it was quite lonely

No it really wouldn't or send me into a big meltdown!

DH wanted another one and he was genuinely an equal parent, I said no because I didn’t want to, that was enough.

In your shoes I’d be fucking furious, the cheek of thinking he’s “done it before”. PP was right, this is the consequence of his own inaction. Just say no.

Any further talk of a baby needs a really honest conversation about how you felt and what he’d need to differently for you even to consider it.

Honestly 2 is really hard some days (and I'm pregnant with 3...), they fight, argue, one goes one way the other another. They also sometimes play and adore each other and I'm sure it'll get easier but if you're not 100% sure he's going to support you I'd be a firm no.

I've agreed to this one because I know my husband is great during the baby days and I know he can deal with both of our kids while I'm feeding etc.* without that I'd be a fim no.

*He's shit at pulling his weight doing housework but that's another story 😂

If you're asking me I think 1 child isn't too hard to manage but for 2 kids you either need easy kids, a supportive partner or additional support (family or paid). For 3 or more most people need at least 2 of those things.

I would trust your instincts on this OP.

"One minute I'm happy them one minute I think it be better to leave..."

You should not have a baby with a man that you have considered leaving. The odds of the stress of a second baby breaking up your marriage are high.

No dear. You were a rubbish dad and husband for the first year. I'm not going that again.

No dear. We wouldn't survive doing it again.

No dear. I'm afraid we don't have what it takes to go again.

No dear, why risk everything on the vanishingly small chance it will be easier with two children than one?

No dear.

Just no. This man has SHOWN you what he’s like, you’d be a fool to go through it again when the last time almost broke you

I’m afraid saying “some people” are not good with baby stage completely white washes the utter selfishness of this man. Mothers don’t get to opt out of parenting because they don’t like an age or a phase.

I struggle to believe he’s not selfish generally.

I don’t think you should have another baby with a man who you sometimes want to leave.

He was a terrible father and husband and now shows no insight. There is no plausible evidence it will be any different this time round and then the resentment really will end it.

when you say he’s great now - do you mean great compared to you or great I’m so relieved he’s nearly doing as much as me. Big difference.