Basing decisions on what others will think

[Superlambaanana]

Why do I do this?!

An awful lot of the decisions I make relating to my personal life are run through an internal filter which tests what other people might think. And not just anyone in general - what specific other people might think. It’s not intentional- I just find myself doing it and wish I could stop.

Deciding what to wear, buying a new piece of furniture, planning an event, painting a room - “ooh, I wonder what X would think of me in this? Would this make Y jealous? Would Z think I’m stylish or that I’d just jumped on a tragic trend bandwagon?

It can occasionally help me make better decisions, but mostly I think it’s rather pathetic that I worry what people think and seem to want to them to either admire my choices (if I like them) or be jealous (if I don’t). Also I imagine most of the time the people I am imagining will have an opinion probably don't even notice/ couldn't care less.

I know we’re programmed to conform socially, as being shamed by others is a good form of managing each other’s less desirable behaviour. And advertising constantly tells us to keep trying to outdo the Jones.

So am I fighting a losing battle in my attempts to stop thinking about what people might think or do any of you have any helpful techniques to help me stop doing this?

YABU - you will never be able to stop worrying about others opinions. It's just life.

YANBU - you can stop caring about what people think and here is how to achieve this zen like state .... followed by actual practical examples please. *

You're asking what people think about your caring too much about what others may think about you/your choices/your decisions?

Lols, yes I suppose so! Tragic isn't it.

It's not a totally bad thing.

I have made some utterly ridiculous purchases over the years because I didn't think things through. Not buying something because someone else won't like it is OK if you know their reasons for not liking it are actually valid.

Ideally there is a happy medium between you and me 😁

Learn the art of not giving a shit.

basing your decisions on what someone may or may not be thinking will not give YOU joy.

I’d say that the first step of moving out of it is awareness and the fact that you’re even reflecting on this is self aware. When this happens to me - ie I catch myself, it prompts me to try and take a line like - if I look back in 5/10 years will I be happy that I chose this / was influenced likev this
if it’s inconsequential I don’t worry too much but if it’s something that will really suck up money (or even significant and energy) I try and take a pause and think about what ‘I’ or my family might most enjoy if there are no pressures or expectations.
i am still on the journey on this - is there a zen end? I don’t know!

Perhaps the root of this is a gift - you're able to orientate yourself in the minds of others and really understand their point of view. Maybe you're particularly good at this. Maybe you're also a lovely intuitive empathic person?

It's just you're using your skill to beat yourself up and over think. So you're great at checking in with others but you've forgotten how to check in with yourself.

Maybe you don't even trust yourself or you've got into the habit (because you've been good an empathy from a young age) and now it's actually easier than trusting yourself.

Maybe spend more time using your gift of empathy in an outward way, like volunteering in a role that uses that skill. And maybe in parallel to that spend time cultivating the ability to check in in and trust yourself as much as you do that for others. Meditation might help with that?

Thanks everyone for the generous and insightful replies. I will tale this on board and try to focus on empathy.