To want a fucking break from it all?

[sentfrommyiphone]

I don't think it's unreasonable of me to need a break, even writing this I'll no doubt get interrupted 5 times.
It's almost like I can't focus on my own thoughts anymore. I work & have a DD6 in school. No family except a sister who lives locally, we don't see each other that much as we're both always working/busy, she had DD once when I had work & DD's school was closed.
I lost my dad 4 months ago, he was both parents to us as our mother left when we were very little (she was an addict) I'm in touch with her now but it's a tricky relationship.
My ex (DD's father) is also an addict, & is very emotionally abusive. I left the home 5 years ago as we weren't safe. He dips in and out of our lives depending on whether he's in a good place, I have tried and tried to distance myself but DD is our tie & despite everything she loves him so much.
He makes my life a living hell, suicide threats, harassment, manipulates me, lies, etc.

I've also had a cancer scare this year, literally during my father dying of cancer...it's still ongoing & more tests need to be done. I've been treated really badly during the process & messed around so much it's had a knock on effect.

I'm battling an eating disorder which came back after dad died, I take medication for depression, I have insomnia, so take medication to sleep.

I'm only 30 & feel like I'm just done with life, it's battered the shit out of me but I somehow keep going. Someone at work told me the worst thing they had ever gone through in their life was when they had to move home when they were 11. Lucky fucker I say.

I'm so tired all day everyday, I have weeks were I have no end of energy and get loads done, days out, overtime at work, like I can't stop. Then I hit a wall and the depression suffocates me to the point my body hurts and I want to sleep all the time.

I feel like all I do is work, clean & cook, & look after DD. I wish I had just a little bit of support, even one night a month to myself. But the daily grind is so relentless.

I love my daughter so much it hurts but sometimes I get so frustrated because she doesn't leave me to even think for a second. Constant interruptions all the time, always leaving the same mess, if I try and discipline her she answers back or puts her fingers in her ears. I can't watch anything on TV, can't read a book, can't talk to my friends, sister, without her interrupting. If I had just a bit of a break I would cope a lot better. It's just so full on all the time, and with everything else that's happening I get so overwhelmed I could curl up and cry.

Not sure what the point was to this post other than to have a moan and see peoples points of view, I know there are people out there who have it 20 times worse, but I only have my experience of life to comment on.

Hugs.

I think it gets better but not quickly

Give your dd lots of hugs

Any friends /people you know that you can just say "help" to - you never know who might step up ( or at least I was surprised how people responded years ago when I needed a shoulder to cry on )

Humans aren't designed to be single parents, yet society and culture expect that we can. You're supposed to say how worth it it is, or you might be branded as a terrible mother who doesn't love her child. Meanwhile it's a hideous grind often with no space to have a life of your own.

This isn't the fault of the children who are born into this, and naturally come into the world with a set of expectations fuelled by evolution. All of the demands made of you would have been spread out over a large group of helpers.

It's incredibly hard. For me, knowing the situation isn't natural and accepting that has actually helped. I know what I'm dealing with and make the best of it.

It does get easier though as they get older and leave you in peace to have your own thought and pick up your life again. I'd say, once they start secondary school.

Good luck, I hope it gets better for you.

1. Paper plates and one pot meals. Tiktok is your friend, search for easy one pot meals.
2. Fuck the mess, it doesn't need to be cleaned every day.
3. Scheduled alone time for both of you. She goes to her room, she can do what she bloody well likes but she stays in her room for one hour every single day. You do NOT use this time to burn yourself out even further.
4. Shit baskets. At the end of the day everything gets scooped into baskets. It can be sorted when you have more energy but the way to get more energy is not to burn yourself out.
5. Burnout can take months to years to recover from. You need to adjust your expectations. You aren't going to overcome an eating disorder in burnout. You need to acknowledge this and work with what you can do rather than what you can't do.
6. At the beginning of the day/after school you put down some bottles of drink and a tray of snacks. It's self serve from now on for things she can help herself with.

It's very regimented at first but it will become easier I promise.

I do feel like I am failing her. She doesn't go to any clubs, the only one she went to she quit, she tried ballet but was too young at the time. She wants to learn the keyboard but the only teacher in our village said I need to buy her a proper one to practice on and I haven't got round to it as there's always a million things I have to remember to do.

We don't have enough days out because I'm petrified of driving places I'm not familiar with, her dad really knocked my confidence and put me in a lot of dangerous situations as a passenger to the point I only drive to work or to the nearest town. I did take her for a day out over an hour away and felt proud for getting there and back alive, how stupid is that.

DD says she doesn't like her life & she misses the one before when she was in nursery and I didn't work, I had a lot more time for her and we did lots of crafts and met up with friends. Since relocating (to get away from ex and find a job) I am so bogged down with the constant housework and planning and school stuff and work stuff that there seems so little time to spend with her. I do make an effort to do something most weekends, I've taught her to swim (almost) & got her a balance bike because she was struggling with a normal bike and I didn't have a clue how to teach her.

She's always asking why I won't let her stay with her dad or see her dad, she thinks I'm mean to him. I'm frightened she will one day choose him over me despite me giving up my entire life to keep her safe.

You poor thing. I am rushing so have no advice, but you have a full plate. You deserve a big hug. You are doing the best you can, and doing a good job at that. You probably need to hear that more often.

Could she invite friends to play from school and then they can be together and be out of your hair. Most 6 year olds won't notice a bit of a mess. Try inviting lots and then with luck she could get an invite back or you might warm to a parent and get to know local people

Can you and your dd spend an hour on tidying and then as a reward go for a walk to a wood or a pond or a stream for poohsticks( or a shop for an ice cresm if there is one,)

I am sending hugs this sounds really tough ❤️❤️❤️ - some of this may be helpful (some not)

1. I am sure you have seen the GP again but if not please do, are the medications working? do they need changing?
2. Can the GP also refer you for support with your eating?
3. Local mental health services should have local iapt teams - for low level psychological support (all free, on line generally) - they give support for issues such as anxiety and depression.
4. can your sister give you a break? is it worth asking?
5. your daughter sounds lovely, but is she old enough to understand that mum needs an hour by herself to read/ watch tv/ relax? uninterrupted (unless there is an emergency). My friend does this with her DD and DS lets them have an hours screen time twice a week with some popcorn/ sweets etc and she takes time to breathe.
6. Can your DD have a friend over, or she goes to a friends for a play session - its sometimes easier when there is a friend there and they can play together.
7. Afterschool clubs/ sports clubs etc - I used to take a book and a coffee while DD was doing gymnastics.
8. Your DD does need to have boundaries around interruptions its great she wants to be involved but interrupting is rude - what are the consequences to this? I would be clear on expectations in a way she understands and stick to it.
9. Be kind to yourself - what can wait house jobs wise and what can’t - you are 4 months into a grief process, do whatever it takes to care for you. When my parents died I ordered from places like hello fresh, did microwave meals etc for the family, anything to take some pressure off.

Start building up her friendship group and in time she'll have sleepovers which will give you a break. I'm a single mum (my kids are much older now) but I became friends with another single mum and we would take it turns to have sleepovers. Life changing.

Download Waze. I've got ADHD and no sense of direction and it's the best app. I can travel routes confidently.

You're doing an amazing job so don't be too hard on yourself.

Does she have a tablet? I agree with previous poster, 1 hour in her room watching a film whilst you have a break is a must,

look at clubs she doesn’t need a skill for, gymnastics, martial arts, they teach the skill and you can’t partake. You have to wait at the venue but that will still give you an hour to yourself.

These are my go to as I lone parent a lot due to my wife’s job, she’s away weeks at a time.

put a wash on before bed on a timer to finish before you get up. Get up 45 minutes before your daughter. Have a coffee in silence, hang the washing on the airer and make your to do lists.

online food shopping gets delivered every Sunday morning, meal plan quick simple meals and use your slow cooker! Jacket potatoes cooked on low wrapped in foil before work then just heat up some beans and veg.
Bolognaise thrown in the slow cooker then you are heating up pasta. The same with chilli, throw in before work and heat up microwave rice.

Buy decent ready meals and freeze them, save portions of slow cooker food in the freezer so you’re only cooking 1/2 times a week.

Priotise sleep, don’t stay up when she goes to bed, a few times a week do a quick tidy up, pop a wash on and go to bed at 8/9pm you’ll feel so much lighter for the extra sleep.

OP, please, pardon my French, BUT HOW THE HECK are you failing her??? Please, never ever ever say that again. It's simply so unfair on you. You give 110%. I have a baby and a DH who helps A LOT and still I can barely breathe.

re the practical aspects: any chance for play dates (or even sleepovers?), do you have kitchen gadgets such as air fryer/one pot? Can you afford a cleaner just a few hours a week?

I get it, OP. It's so tough and you have it so tough. I really hope it gets better. So sorry for the loss of your dad :(

YANBU OP, sometimes I wish I had a pause button so I can catch a breath, I feel like I need 3 of me to stay on top of it all.