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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not organise playdates because I don’t want other parents to judge our flat

53 replies

FreeBeeBird · 26/06/2024 21:07

We live in a lovely but small 2 bed conversion flat on a very affluent area.
I don’t know all parents in DC class but out of the 7 or 8 I know, only an other couple lives in a similar flat to ours, everyone else has a nice house. I’d like to more actively encourage playdates for DC but I am a bit concerned that other parents might get a bit snobby about our place and judge where we live. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t care but I do and cannot shake this feeling off. How do I overcome this!
AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
FreeBeeBird · 26/06/2024 21:13

I should add that our flat is lovely and very nicely decorated, we bought it a few years ago and it was the max we could afford so I am proud of my little home but just struggle with comparison sometimes

OP posts:
Hopingforno2in2024 · 26/06/2024 21:15

Please don’t worry about it. DS’ friends live in a wide variety of houses, neither I nor DS judge any of them and DS has an amazing time whichever house he is in.

GRex · 26/06/2024 21:15

Few will care about your size of home, but a refusal to host is problematic. If you won't do things at your flat, then it would be best to arrange park play dates, activity play dates etc - so that you take on some of the hosting role. I have stopped inviting some kids whose parents have never reciprocated play dates, because honestly it's just rude; kids like to see other kids' bedrooms and root round their toys. And kids in my experience are really much more likely to get judgmental about random things like the exciting double bed, or weird orange wall, or whether the apples were green, than about size of home.

NextPhaseOfLife · 26/06/2024 21:17

Your place sounds lovely.

If you're warm and welcoming, and your place is clean and welcome too, you'll be fine x

Beezknees · 26/06/2024 21:18

If they are who cares? It says more about them than you!

I've lived in a council flat my whole life, nobody else I know lives in a flat, everyone apart from me can afford a house. I don't care. It's just material things at the end of the day, not important at all.

Knitgoodwoman · 26/06/2024 21:19

I’ve given very little thought or judgement to my children’s friend’s houses! The things I notice are a warm welcome, interesting conversation, and whether my kids are happy there!

Fluffycloudszzz · 26/06/2024 21:48

Hey - go for it (hosting)… I totally understand though. I felt a bit awkward hosting at first as we have a 2-bed place - really small compared to almost all the families I know. However something I found actually was: cause it was all fairly small and connected, play dates were really fluid and easy - kids were never far away and I’ve set things up in a cosy, relaxed way. Also most normal/decent people don’t judge and aren’t thinking about status and size when they visit, just want to feel relaxed and have a cuppa. Stepping into hosting increased my social family confidence actually. Good luck!

Fluffycloudszzz · 26/06/2024 21:51

ps in terms of overcoming it, maybe start with the person or people you feel more comfortable with and once you have some feedback re nice time had etc it’s easier to keep going.

PullUpTheDrawbridge · 26/06/2024 21:52

Ive had this. Never managed to shake it but ploughed on anyway. Feel the fear and do it anyway! Do fun things and they never care/ notice!

fiorentina · 26/06/2024 21:54

I don’t judge on the size of someone’s home, as I’d just hope it’s clean, relaxed and the kids are well looked after!

Happyinarcon · 26/06/2024 21:57

Some people specifically choose flats over houses, I for one always felt safer in a flat. It’s a lifestyle choice, no one will judge.

Rosemarycc · 26/06/2024 21:59

It is hard, I’ve felt the same in the past having had a smaller house than dc playmates at times however for the sake of your dc and politeness you need to look past that.

Decent people don’t care about the size of your home. They care that you’ve made an effort to invite them and how you are when they are there…:making them welcome, offering a drink and something to eat….and dc will love being at their friends house whatever it looks like.

There’s no excuse for not reciprocating play dates imo unless you live in a dangerous area with drug addicts or the like. It’s just bloody rude.

TeenLifeMum · 26/06/2024 22:00

I would judge mess (major mess not normal living mess) and filth but size of property of a lovely family wouldn’t bother me at all.

Original poster
FreeBeeBird · 26/06/2024 22:35

To be clear, it’s not that I don’t reciprocate as there haven’t been many playdates yet at all! But I feel we are starting to enter that “season” and would like to also make an effort and do the first move but I am stopped by this silly anxiety.

OP posts:
GRex · 28/06/2024 08:15

What do you mean by "season"? Play dates happen all year. "Haven't had many" means that you have had some, but you have not reciprocated. Normal pattern would be that you offer one invite back. Now, maybe you particularly disliked each of those kids and their parents, but it is going to impact your DC if you are snubbing everyone, so if there are no bullying issues then holding your nose and offering a quick 1 hour play after school is the bare minimum after a play date.

Original poster
FreeBeeBird · 28/06/2024 08:27

@GRex I meant it's playdate age whereas in the past DC was smaller so less interested in playing with other kids. We only had 1 playdate about a month ago and we haven't yet reciprocated because that family went on hol for 2 weeks shortly after, they only just came back so yes I am thinking of inviting them around soon.

OP posts:
GiveMeSpanakopita · 28/06/2024 08:30

As a fellow flat dweller, I urge you to shake it off, sister!

Seriously. There will always be someone judging someone for something somewhere. And it's not always the thing they think you're being judged about. Sometimes, surprise surprise, the judge only exists in your own head.

It's not worth losing peace of mind to, or denying your child the opportunity to cement friendships.

Organise your playdates with pride!! x

Tilly22222 · 28/06/2024 08:30

This sounds like your issue so you need to just bite the bullet and get over it (or at least live with it). You’ll look back and kick yourself if you let a worry like this affect your child’s life.

Your flat sounds lovely and there’s no reason to think anyone would be snobby about it.

Tilly22222 · 28/06/2024 08:32

And it's not always the thing they think you're being judged about

This is very true. A guy who was doing some building for us recently judged me (and told me so) for letting my kids drink tap water whereas he only drinks bottled water. Would never have guessed it. You just have to not care or you’d never do anything.

Riversideandrelax · 28/06/2024 08:36

My DC went to a school in an affluent area and I was nervous about this at first, only having a small house. But honestly, noone batted an eyelid.

JugglingJanuary · 28/06/2024 08:41

@FreeBeeBird

Sometimes children comment on how small you home is or how you don't have stairs or a boot room or whatever, but rarely do they mean it in a negative way. It's just noticing difference to their home. Your DC might do it too. They're just kids who haven't learnt adults think one thing is better than the other.

They really don't care as long as the snacks are good & they can play with different toys!!

If any of the parents negatively judge you for your lovely, but smaller home are they the kind of people whose opinion you care about??

you're not going to suddenly make it any bigger, so you just have to crack on really.

if you want to 'start slow' you could invite the first one to come home with you after school and drop them home later & you don't have to deal with the parents at your home the first time.

Branleuse · 28/06/2024 08:42

I didn't host playdates for any of my kids. We got invited a few times but i stopped because i didn't want to have to reciprocate. My house is cluttered and i used to feel quite self conscious. I don't like having people over in general even now, although i dont feel as ridiculously anxious about it as i used to.
They spend all day with these other kids at school.
My life is hard enough without feeling like i need to entertain people i don't know and potentially be judged.
My kids are all older now and they have friends over, but im not the one organising it.

User235648 · 28/06/2024 09:12

To be blunt, the worst thing that can happen is that they notice where you live and put you in their "invisible people" box. Rich people are constantly on the lookout for people who are successful and well connected but they don't waste any energy judging people who are less fortunate that them. It's hard to explain but they essentially have a category for "average people" who live in normal homes and do normal jobs. They don't look down on these people as they know that 90% of the population live this way, but at the same time they don't really register the presence of these people aside from a perfunctory pleasantries.

To borrow a video game concept, rich people treat average people as NPCs (none-playable characters). Those are the random characters that appear in video games with whom you might have a line of dialogue with but serve no use in the bigger quest. They will be more than happy to have play dates and school-related social interactions but it won't extend to much beyond that. Rich parents will never leave a play date and start jeering about the state of someone's home, however they will probably forget about that family and experience as soon as they leave, if that makes sense?

Merryoldgoat · 28/06/2024 09:16

I lived in a very affluent area when I had first son - I lived in an ex-council flat which I loved. The other mums lived in big houses.

Literally zero issue.

I now live in the ‘big’ house and it would never occur to me to judge someone on the size of their house.

BananaLambo · 28/06/2024 09:20

We live in a very mixed area. My DS has friends who live in homes of all shapes and sizes. Nobody (worth worrying about anyway) cares about your home. They worry that their child gets to make friends and gets invited to play. Hosting a play date is such a thrill for your child so, as a PP says, feel the fear and do it anyway. If someone judges you harshly, well that says everything about them and nothing about you.