I've been warned by a friend that some users here like to kick people when they're down, but I'd like to give it a shot. Mostly because I have no one to talk to atm.
I'm very close with my dad. Growing up, he gave me everything I wanted and we always spent time together. The only thing that I think he could've done better is that he should've put a stop to my mum's bullying on me. She has a mean streak: she tortured me like a mean elder sister would, belittled and body-shamed me literally every day from the day I was born (there was a home video with her saying I had an ugly nose only a few hours after I was born) until I left home to study abroad at 18. She was the reason I left the country. My dad tried to stop her, but she was too toxic to stop and divorce was frowned upon where I lived (Singapore), so eventually he compensated by spoiling me.
Anyway, I studied, worked, get married, and gave birth to my baby abroad. My baby just turned one and a half, and I care for him at home, since I'm working part time for a software company from home. The care during the day automatically falls on me, and in the evening until his bedtime DH takes over. Sometimes it's really hard for me, since I have no support system. We currently live in the US, my dad and close friends live in Singapore, and my husband's family in the UK. I often video-call with my dad (to keep my dad company too, because no one can talk to my mum). He adores my son, and we'd both talk to my son who likes babbling to and seeing my dad on the screen.
Since recently, though, my dad has become quite obsessed with the possibility of developing prostate cancer. His dad, my grandpa, died from undetected prostate cancer (it was too late by the time it was detected). Ten years ago, my dad underwent a surgery to remove a part of his enlarged prostate, and apparently cancer cells had been present in the removed part. My dad panicked and fell into depression. A second doctor conducted another test, and the result was good (i.e., no cancer). This doctor said he suspected that the first test was wrong, maybe swapped with another patient's. The yearly test since then has been good, too, so the doctor reassures my dad that everything's fine.
However, every time my dad has a slight stomach ache, he would quickly suspect cancer. He has GERD, exacerbated by my mom's secretly putting chili in his food whenever she's angry to him (like I said, she has a mean streak - now that I'm away, my dad is the sole recipient of her meanness). So at times he does get stomach ache. About a month ago, the stomach ache was slightly worse than usual. Turned out it was a minor UTI (common with elderly) that has now been perfectly treated. Only that my dad could not stop thinking about cancer. When we video called, he paid less attention to my son and many times repeated how the second doctor thought that it's very unlikely he'd develop prostate cancer. His most recent test was good, but suddenly he worried that the result was good because he took a medicine just the night before, so he even contemplated to repeat the test.
A few days ago I lost my patience. It was hard enough listening to his irrational fear, let alone doing it while running after and entertaining my now-very-active son. I told him point-blank that he needs to seek help for his irrational fear, as he himself can't see how irrational it is. I said, if he continues to talk about it, we would only grow distant, because I can't listen to that and offer repeated reassurance while caring for, feeding, or playing with my son at the same time. It's extremely draining. I'd be compelled to video call less.
This is the first time I told him about how I feel about this subject. If he really has cancer, I'd help as much as I can, but he doesn't, and I just can't deal with his irrational fear. I can't ignore my son and let him play alone in front of us just so that I can repeat over and over again that no, he doesn't have cancer. I know this anxiety symptoms because I've had PND myself.
Perhaps my message gets home. He stops talking about it, although I don't know if behind my back he keeps googling on prostate cancer and feeds his fear. He thinks it's unnecessary to see a shrink for that (again, not very common where I lived and indeed some shrinks there just cashed in while loading the patients with expensive anti-depressants, so we have to carefully looking for a good one), but I know he'd unburden to me again when he's back down the rabbit hole, and I'd be exhausted again. Now I don't enjoy talking to him as much as before, and this makes me feel guilty and sad, because we were extremely close when I was growing up and we always speak on phone every day since I left home many years ago. We don't talk about it again (I also feel adamant to revisit it), but I feel like there's an elephant in the room.
Am I selfish for not letting my dad unpack his irrational fear on me? I just don't know what else I can do while I myself am dealing with PND and a very active baby, and I feel so exhausted in and out.