To find this mum lashing out on me unjustified?

[Maria1979]

So DS (10 y) was bullied in school for a couple of months by a boy in his class. It was physical and verbal and the young well-meaning teacher tried to handle it. Finally I sent a mail to the headmistress menacing with legal action against the school if they didn't put an end to it. This was effective as the parents were called in and told their child was going to be expelled if he didnt stop it.
So DS was happy going to school again for a couple of months. He has got a lot of friends, boys and girls and gets along with everyone. Until last week when the teacher called me and said that the bully and a girl S had been teasing him about being in love with a girl (true, but onesided) and especially the bully was very vulgar about it saying crude sexual remarks and my son who was already crying said he wanted to commit suicide. All children jumped in to get rid of the bully and console DS. Girl S and bully were put in other classes for the rest of the day. My son is already seeing a psychologist (due to being bullied) and he said he does not want to die, just thay he couldnt stand if it was going to start again. He's going private next year so he will not see these children again thank god. Anyway, I met girl S mum outside (she lives close by) and told her about what the teacher had said and she went livid and said she was going to kill her daughter. I told her no, please dont scream at her, just talk to her because my son has always been nice to her and I have often helped this mum out by picking up her girl etc and she knew about the bullying situation and how much it disturbed my son and I was surprised that she would team up with bully against my son.
So a couple of days later I meet this mum outside walking her dog and she starts screaming at me for having lied to her and that I made her (!) beat up her daughter for nothing. I asked her calmly to clarify because the only version I had was the teacher's which my son and a friend of his had confirmed when I talked to them. She started screaming "dont ever talk to me again, you're responsible for my daughter getting beat up". I was flabbergasted. I have never hit my children and I surely would not encourage someone else to do so. And I dont understand how she can say Im inventing when I just repeated what the teacher said. Im happy never to speak to her again, she clearly is not a stable person. But this whole thing has left me really confused to say the least. And since she's just screaming and doesnt want to talk to me there is no way that I can find out what she's talking about 🤷‍♀️

I voted YABU only because you seem more concerned about the fact she lashed out at you rather than being concerned and frightened for her child. You seem worried about the wrong thing here OP.

I agree you should report what the mum said to the school.

YABU

At my DD's primary school due to deranged parents, we have been advised if a child is causing issues not to approach that child's parents at all but to talk to the staff.

We have already have one mother trying to beat up another mother in the playground due to issues around their children. The incident was watched by all the children in the playground at the time.

At a friends' school worse happened to one of their DC. They didn't approach the parents. Good thing they didn't as when the parents were confronted by the school they lawyered up. My friends' DC and other children ended up leaving the school not the child causing the issues.

Now you have stupidly approached that mother you need to inform the school of what she says she has done to her daughter.

Just get your son out of that school as soon as possible.

This. And also, unless you've missed things out of your OP, you seem to have leapt from the class teacher dealing ineffectually with bullying to threatening the school with legal action -- there's a lot of ground in between, like going to the Head, safeguarding head, involving the board of governors etc. And now there's another parent who apparently physically beat up her child because you'd told her about her being involved in a bullying incident. Everyone involved seems to go from 0 to OUTRAGE in about two seconds.

And this. If this is the tenor of parental behaviour, it's hardly surprising their children include bullies.

You need to report what she told you to the school.

You were really inappropriate to speak to the mother about what had happened. This was up to the school- the professionals to deal with. School may already have had safeguarding concerns and would've handled this carefully.

I used to work in a school. Safeguarding advice - asap write down the exact time, location and as close as possible the exact wording she used. Keep it all factual re her actions, gestures etc. Then send to head/deputy or safeguarding lead (if known) marked with high priority. Might be best to call them as the child may be in imminent danger and they may choose to call police.

YABU to approach the mother in the first place. You should have let the school sort it out. If you think this woman is not exaggerating and has beaten her daughter, you need to report this to the school.

I talked to the mum since I run into her and she said "what's wrong?" I was with DS. I asked her if she hadn't read S report card and she said "what has she done now". I repeated what the teacher had said and told her to look at the reportcard which she is supposed to sign. Ofcourse her daughter hadnt said anything.

This is a single mum with one daughter who is being followed by the social services since 2 years due to S talking in school about her mother beating her up and not having enough to eat. A social worker comes to fetch her once a week, the other days she walks home alone. They moved here a year ago and since we often went home the same way as me and DS I started bringing fruit and cereal bars for her as well after she gave me her mum's number to ask if that was OK with her. I just couldnt stand the longing eyes on my DS' snack.. Then the mum asked me if I could walk her home regularly which I agreed to on days we were going straight home. The mum is working but she seems really unstable and I felt sorry for her and her daughter. Still feel sorry for S but not for the mum any longer. It was just so uncalled for and I was very calm when telling her about school and told her to just talk to your daughter to find out what's going on...

Given your update, I think approaching the mum direct was poor judgement. I understand your upset about your son, but you do seem to have caused a lot more trouble for another child who you knew was vulnerable.

But have you still not reported to anyone other than Mumsnet that she said she had beaten her daughter?
What is stopping you from reporting it?

1. Social services are informed. S has already told them her mum hits her every time she does something wrong which admittedly is often.
2. The bullying had been going on for months and everyone was informed believe me. Threatening with legal action was my last desperate attempt to make them actually do something so my son could feel safe in school. I would have taken him out and home schooled him otherwise. Every parent who has been through something similar can tell you that desperate times calls for desperate measures.
3. She would have known about it anyway because the teacher has folllow up calls after all incidents. And I wanted her to know that I would not walk her daughter home for a while until they had talked it out.

Yes what the mum said to you is totally unjustified- this is all on her. No one made her beat up her child ffs, that was her own decision (even if you HAD told her that her child needed punishment etc.) Steer clear from her but report to the school that you’re concerned for S based on the fact that the mother told you she had beaten up her daughter.

So you knew the kid gets beaten up every time she does something wrong?

And you still spoke directly to the mother?

That was a very, very stupid thing to do. WTAF were you even thinking??

How nasty.

It sounds like you wanted to help this family but it takes more than good intentions to help those with so much dysfunction. You really need to leave this to the professionals.

This^^! Jesus op. Why would you do that? That poor girl

Okay, that's a mammoth drip feed.

You knew the woman was violent to her child, yet you dropped the child in it?

This ^

Wtaf?

I wouldn't try and "find out what she's talking about" tbh, I'd steer well clear as she sounds like a dangerous nutter. If she's chosen to beat her daughter, then of course that's on her, and is unrelated to you, your actions or your son.

I'd try and keep the two issues separate in your mind. Your son has a right to go to school and not get bullied. Carry on advocating for him as you have been doing.

There may be issues with this girl and her mother. I'd say you have a duty to report what happened to the school, as others have said. But other than that, there's no reason for you to have any involvement. Obviously I wouldn't be picking her up from school or anything anymore...

If you were already aware of violence within the home from Mother to Child, which you have now written, you behaved appallingly. Shame on you. And even more reason to not approach the Mother about this.

Regardless of the history in this situation approaching a parent about their child’s poor behaviour rarely goes well or ends well.